Ex’s unreasonable demands to my house?

You arent together with him and he clearly hates you.
You dont have to engage with his weird crazy bullshit anymore.

If he wants to discuss access to the children then thats one thing, but as soon as he starts with the bizarre demands then you can just tell him that youll speak when hes not drunk and saying crazy things and tell him that you can see hes still obsessed with you, but youre not interested in having him or his friends in your house, otherwise you wouldn't have dumped his arse. He needs to move on

He can make all the demands he wants.

They're stupid and not legally enforceable. Who does he think he is, the DMV? He does not get in your car. He does not come in your house. You have a valid license. If he tries to get in your car or prevent you from driving, call the police.

You might want to consider only communication with him through a co-parenting app that is admissible in court in your location.

Do you have a court order concerning custody and visitation? You need one and it needs to be very specific. No visits by him or relatives or friends in your home. If his place is unacceptable, he can pay for visits at a center.

Give him a random key that doesn’t work, after 3/4 weeks of getting one cut iykwim

then sit back and wait for him to try and access the house in a non emergency- all videoed on ring doorbell

then say that’s why you’re not having a key or access to ring doorbell- so you can wipe off the times you come in my house without me knowing

what a knob

You don't need to answer or justify yourself to him. Just ignore anything that is not child related. Ask for all communication on email or text so you have a record. Do not let him in your house or give him a key. Time to get a backbone and stand up to him. Remember he is an EX.

I am getting my own car next week so I won’t have to rely on him for lifts, but apparently he is concerned about my driving despite him being the one involved in a car crash where it was his fault for driving under the influence and being tired.
I take my time driving so according him to him I am apparently a danger on the roads and he dosent want me taking the kids anywhere unless he has been in the car with me to see I can drive safely.

What's happening here is that you are trying to 1 apply rational arguemnts to an irrational person (ie his driving is clearly riskeier based on past experience) and 2 attempt to reach a compromise with a person who does not want compromise.

So stick to facts. The fact is this:

1 It does not matter how he feels about your driving. You are legally allowed to drive, and to drive with your chlidren in the car.

2 He does not get a say in whether or not you are allowed to drive a car.

Every single ONE of these "concerns" that he raises, you must look at from a practical, legal, dispassionate view and what you are required to do by law. The momenty you try to "see his side" and attempt to either explain or negotiate, you have lost the battle already.

He can fuck right off.

Read up on grey rocking and only communicate via email, so you have a paper trail. Block him on everything else. Do not engage with his comments, only discuss pick up/drop off for DC with the shortest answers. Good luck OP, he sounds like a right bastard.

You’re suffering post separation domestic abuse/coercive control. As a starting point please complete the freedom programme. If your child is younger than 5 you can access this through the children’s centre, otherwise they do it online. You should also contact a local domestic abuse charity for support. Doing these things should give you the courage and support to be able to say no to his RIDICULOUS demands. He shouldn’t be allowed a key or access to your ring door bell (which he wants as a method of surveillance to further abuse you), his friends and family shouldn’t be allowed access to your home and he should only be able to communicate with you via one method (such as an app or email).

It's really worrying that you're asking this, and that people in your life have told you to do what he wants. Your boundaries are extremely skewed.

Can anyone suggest good resources for this? Would the Freedom Programme be suitable?

He’s an abusive knob. Glad you have managed to escape!

I’d use a parenting app. Ignore him on everything else. Grey rock.

Obviously, you don't give him a key or access to your Ring doorbell.

If you feel like having a bit of fun at his expense, tell him that you've now spoken to your friends and family and they all agree that he has absolutely no reason to have a key or access to Ring doorbell so you won't be doing either!

As for wanting to do the best for your children, it is not in their best interests to see him brow beating you, you capitulating and then being very unhappy as he takes advantage of you.

Nor is in your children's best interest to have his horrible friends who hate you, or his ne'er do well brother with his criminal adult children and the children's mothers in your home. You can't stop their father from allowing such contact but you can stop it happening in your home and thereby give your children some protection.

Make it very clear he can only 'pop round' by prior appointment! No just turning up...

WHY are you on here asking if you ABU? Its unbelievable that he could take this attitude, and that you seem to be taking it seriously! Do you really doubt that you should have absolutely no contact bewtween him and your home? No way, no way ever, NO WAY!

GREY ROCK. It’ll wind him up. He’s being a knob

I think he is an absolute cretin (and fortunately it sounds like you weren’t married so he can get fucked with regard to a key)

but…please get him a token card and a really cheap gift so that your child can give it to
him. Then your child doesn’t feel left out, and when he rejects it (he will) it can’t be blamed on you - he will get bored eventually but until then, only do things that benefit you and your child

Apart from everything else, so he gets a notification anytime anyone enters or leaves your property, including you? 🤔
He can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

He can fuck off, the controlling POS. This is all about him checking up on you: keys to your house, people from his family routinely entering your house, him monitoring your movements and visitors on the Ring. Why on earth would you want him as your emergency contact?! If his horrible family and friends want to see your child, they don’t get to bang at your door demanding a visit. They can meet you somewhere neutral like a coffee shop. A tenner says they won’t be arsed to.

I think no is a complete answer. Handovers somewhere neutral park, library, childcare.

it is completely crazy think to ask tbh

@rudddy

I say this with no snark and absolutely no mean intentions.

First off well spotted and good job for asking about these ridiculous demands. That being said I do think you might need some help recalibrating after getting out of a relationship with your ex. The fact that you are asking is indicating that you might have some skewed thinking about what is reasonable and what isn’t when it comes to what he saying. Please continue to question everything that he says and perhaps see about some counseling or find a trusted friend or family member to bounce things off of.

Make sure all your family know he’s not allowed in so he can’t wheedle his way in through them

It's your home. It's not your exes. It doesn't matter what his mates arrangements are with their exes. You don't want him having access to your home, so therefore no key. You are no longer together, you don't have to have his friends visit. Tell him straight, he's not having a key or any access to your home. He's not bringing his friends to your home. He collects the children from your home, he stands on the doorstep, he brings them home, he stands on the doorstep. He's taking the piss and is out of order. Could he collect the children from his Mum's and drop them back there? You then take/collect from his Mum's.

Willing to bet a large sum of money that you received nothing on Mother's Day, your birthday or Christmas ?

So match his energy - nothing on Father's Day, his birthday or Christmas. I take pp's comment re a card and glitter but as his mother and sis are on good terms - they can arrange a card from your child to him. Let them know you will not be doing as as your matching his energy

Oh please. You can't seriously believe you should be agreeing with him. This is crazy.

Hold the line. The only people who need keys to your house are people who live there and possibly a friend for emergencies, this man is not someone who lives in the house and is not your friend.

id also knock on the head you facilitating contact with his family, he can do that on his time. None of his friends are welcome in your house, just tell him you only host people you like and you don’t like any of his friends.

How crazy. He absolutely friends could easily rob you between the keys and knowing when you're out.