To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

I don't regret my children at all. I have two absolutely amazing kids. However I sometimes regret the timing I had them. I had my first at 18. Me & DH were broke, didn't really have all the nice things I would've wanted to give her at that age. Job stability was shit. We were stuck in a flat with damp. Then I didn't have my second until 5 years later. Again should I have had such a big gap between children? They are like chalk and cheese. I feel like I was a much better parent the second time around. I learnt a lot more between the two. Sometimes I feel so guilty because I feel like my second born got the better deal. We were more established, nicer home, better jobs, more money, calmer parents etc.

Can you explain why you have to be a parent to post on the telly addicts board, the pet owners boards, the gardening boards, the health boards, the feminism boards, the elderly parents board, the style and beauty board, and any number of threads in AIBU or Chat that have nothing to do with parenting?

I’ve read research on this and the percentage who regret is really low. And those individuals usually have other life difficulties that are making parenting particularly hard.

And it’s possible to ‘mourn’ or be wistful about your own life without regretting having children!

Just like you can be happy you emigrated but still miss aspects of your home country.

Yes, this.

I don’t find my life boring. I find it odd people cannot fathom ways of occupying one’s time outside of parenting?

It’s utterly incomprehensible isn’t it. I think only boring people think that way. It’s similar to those people who just keep on working way past retirement age because they lack the imagination to see what else they could do with their life.

I am also am a grown up. Growing up and being a parent have nothing to do with each other.

Quite. If everyone became a mature and responsible adult the moment they became parents there wouldn’t be any children growing up in care.

I don’t really understand the concept of ‘regretting’ having children. I decided I wanted the responsibility of being a mother for better or for worse and so wouldn’t question whether my life could have been better or different further down the line. Once you have a child, you make your lives the best it can be, with them being a part of it, for both of you. What’s the point in analysing something that you can’t reverse? Just make the most of your situation as it is!

I absolutely do not regret having DC, but it's mostly because I lived my life to its fullest in my youth and became a mother later on. I travelled the world and now I don't feel as though I missed out on anything or focus on any opportunity cost of having children. It doesn't feature in my thoughts. My children are amazing. I could not be more happy and quietly proud of them to friends, family and in public.

I guess without children. I'd have...I don't know....gone on more city breaks? Eaten out more? So what? It just seems a bit boring

What a limited imagination you must have.

I regret it sometimes but only because I worry about the future - I never thought about it before. Climate change, house prices, war, god knows what else. I wonder what things will be like in 30 years and wonder if I did the right thing.

I don’t find my life boring. I find it odd people cannot fathom ways of occupying one’s time outside of parenting?

I am also am a grown up. Growing up and being a parent have nothing to do with each other.

Well I disagree

Gosh that is really awful!
I didn’t realise there was a child free board on Mumsnet - seems very strange in a parenting forum

No she hasn't. I often notice when @KimberleyClark posts because I find her thoughts thoughtful and interesting. And she never goes out of her way to insist that parents must be miserable. She does respond when people make that assumption about childfree people, which seems reasonable to me.

What does "growing up" even mean? And what does it have to do with having children?

Reading back I don’t know if I’ve explained that well but as an example I’ve got a colleague in his early thirties and he and his wife don’t have dc yet and are always jetting off somewhere lovely. I’ll often say things to him like “Well tomorrow night you guys will be in the airport, glass in hand and I’ll be at home ironing the uniforms!” but in reality, I’m exactly where I want to be and I would never give up what I’ve got for what he’s got and I’m sure he feels the same at the moment. We’re all at different stages and wanting different things, life is hard so we try and be nice to each other.

I don't regret having children at all. My pre-child life was very different, but the lives of twenty somethings are always different to the lives of forty somethings. At some point you have to grow up. I guess without children. I'd have...I don't know....gone on more city breaks? Eaten out more? So what? It just seems a bit boring.

Same. Definitely life enhancing for me, even though I have found parts of it hard and stressful - especially the young adult stage, which is where they are now.

However, I feel guilty when they aren’t happy/how overcrowded places feel now and how expensive it all is…I never considered for a second when deciding to have children that they would suffer or how shit the world can be. It was all about what I wanted at the time. Mine are early twenties now and have worries I never had (despite having bank of mum and dad to ease them more than most). DS has a lot of career angst!

I think some of it could be parents feeling not sorry for but feeling something similar towards child free friends and downplaying things for their benefit. Society makes having a family seem like a goal for women so to soften things to a single or child free friend, people might say things like “Oh, aren’t you glad you’re not dealing with this, children are so hard and you have a lovely free life and get to do your own thing, I’m so jealous”. Hence the child free person coming on here to say all their friends moan about having children and regret their families when really we’re just being a bit British about it.

I wasn’t talking to or about you. The PP said her entire existence revolved around her children. Those children will grow up and leave home one day. It’s not healthy to have your children or partner for example, as your entire existence!

I don’t regret having children at all - they’re wonderful.

However, I do have some regrets about the circumstances I chose to have them in.

Not enough to regret them, though.

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up

You can also have both of those feelings and still not regret them!

I know - I often think the people saying it are a bit insecure about their decision to have kids, so are trying their best to convince themselves it was worth it.

I think regret is a bit of a strong word for how I feel. But I definitely wouldn’t have had my kids before I knew and loved them if I knew then what I know now.

I never understand why people get so annoyed at people who don’t have children. The kind of behaviour you mention in your post seems unnecessarily cruel.

This is true. I find not having children at 44 very different to not having them at 24 (though I am so constantly exhausted I cannot imagine how I would deal with parenthood now).