To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

That’s unfair on the kids. (Also assumes your child won’t move away / have life long care needs.)

I am childless due to circumstance.
I cannot fathom just having a kid anyway to have a carer in old age.

Assuming of course you are lucky enough to have a child who doesn't require you to care for them for the rest of your life. People who have children who require complex care may find old age even harder, because they have the worry of finding a suitable place for their adult child to live once they are gone, as well as funding their own old age, perhaps after a long time out of work caring for the child.

I don’t equate mourning my child-free life with regret, I don’t regret having the children at all but I do miss and mourn some aspects of being child-free.

largely, I struggle with having neurodivergent children and it is a really hard slog. It’s not the life we planned in all honesty and it’s really bloody difficult.

but would I make a different choice? No.
would I choose it again? Yes.
therefore I don’t regret it but I do find it hard and miss the easy life we had.

It only takes about 10 years to stop regretting it then it can be fun and fruitful. You realise you may need someone to look after you when you get older.

I can't find the original survey but Sage did apparently look at why 50 year olds were divorcing - it's referenced in a lot of articles-

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/family-relationships/saga-divorces-on-the-rise-as-over-50s-couples-1073229

Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. In addition, 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.

The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was ¬emotionally cold.

I can't think why couples with out kids would suffer these issues less - maybe they find them earlier with no kids to distract or blame. Though some of the other reasons I could see affecting parents more:

Nagging also scored highly, listed as a top reason for a split by 14 per cent of the 1900 divorcees aged 50 and over asked. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they'd simply run out of things to talk about.

You get used to oragnising everyone - and then kids leave your left with an adult who resents it all being focused on them - or you drift apart and don't notice.

(missed a word changes sentance meaning)

And I know about bloody grumpy men and cancer. Makes me glad I don't live with my OH. Ironically he's one of the people that divorced once youngest left uni. His ex wife and him found they had nothing in common apart from kids

Well it doesn't seem to happen so much with the couples that don't have kids. Never known any of them been married so long then split up. If childless couples divorce it's often when younger

Is this kids leaving home or age - people hitting middle ages with changes in perception and priorities.

For all the talk of women menpauses and changes in thinking that can bring I also know a lot of older men who get grumpy and impatient and less pleasant to be round.

Also health can start to be an issue in 50s - cancer scares can impact marraiges and men are much more likely to leave women who are ill.

Awful lot of 50 something couples split up once their youngest is off to uni

No, I always wanted children and have never regretted having them. I’m also enjoying having grown up children. That doesn’t mean there haven’t been hard times and raising them alone was hard work, but not their fault. I probably would have had more money, a career etc without them but I also think life would be lonely and with less to look forward to - I have always been quite family and home orientated. My bigger regret is I couldn’t be a SAH mum for them.

All that said… I’m at a life stage where I’m glad I don’t have to look after young children now and excited to be leaving the school system at last now youngest has just about finished GCSEs.

I wasn't trying to 'gotcha' anyone. Just commenting. The thread title doesn't specifically say it's from the parents perspective. It's quite possible to regret having a child from the child's perspective too (as some posters mentioned earlier in the thread). I was just pointing out that the conversation seems to have turned entirely to what children can do for their parent's lives, rather than a more rounded reflection.

That's a bit of a false gotcha really, isn't it? The question is whether people "regret having kids", clearly it's asking a question about the parent's experience, not the kid's.

If the question was "do you regret being born" or "do you think your children regret you being their parents" then that would be a discussion focused from the child-centred experience.

I can completely understand people regretting having a child, it does really turn your life upside down.

What I can't understand is people who then have a second, third, fourth as though they kept hoping/thinking it was going to be completely different the next time.

Thanks - seems data trumps anecdote once again!

I think what I'd quite striking about this conversation is that the benefits of having children have been entirely focused on the parents. Children will stop you being bored and lonely when you're older, they'll help prevent your relationship breaking up or even that they'll stop you drinking too much when older!

Of course I am not saying that these are the only reasons people have children, but it seems quite peculiar to me the reasons which benefit the parents seem to be the only ones being discussed!

Potentially but doubtful.

If childless couples felt children would add to their happiness they would have them (infertility aside.)

Or it shows that couples with kids are happier 🤷‍♀️

Suggests some parents stay together solely for kids? In a way then it’s more impressive when people like Theresa May have decades long marriages as it is simply their love for each other keeping each other together.

I don’t see why “splitting up” is seen as a negative. If it’s not working it is not working and if no kids involved then why remain in a bad
partnership?

@KimberleyClark

Quite. If everyone became a mature and responsible adult the moment they became parents there wouldn’t be any children growing up in care.

I simply do not understand how people, with a straight face insist on the superior, more “balanced” characters and selflessness of parents and completely ignore the existence of children’s homes, social services and children running wild. Also ignore some awful people who are also parents.

Is it just wilful blindness?

I think the divorse rate amount marrige with kids is slightly higher than no children but there are other factors

https://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2010/07/08/does-having-children-contribute-to-your-risk-of-divorce/

The main reasons couples divorce have far more to do with the age at which they married and their kids, according to a spate of recent studies.

...

A woman who marries before she turns 18 has a 48% likelihood of divorcing, almost twice that rate as women who wait until they’re 25 or older to wed and who face just a 24% likelihood of divorce.
...
Issues about children—from how couples feel about having them to their gender and health—are also high on the list of divorce triggers, according to Rufus’ research. For instance, a woman who wants a child or children much more strongly than her spouse is twice as likely to divorce as couples who agree on the number of children they want. Moreover, couples with two sons have a 36.9% likelihood of divorcing versus couples with two daughters who face a 43.1% likelihood. And couples with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit disorder) are 22.7% more likely to divorce before their child turns eight than parents of a child without ADHD.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6993964/
Shorter interbirth intervals were associated with an increased risk of parental divorce over a ten-year follow-up. Individuals with birth intervals of up to 1.5 years had 24–49 per cent higher divorce risk compared to individuals whose children were born more than 4 years apart. The pattern was similar in all socioeconomic groups and among individuals with earlier and later entry to parenthood. Our results add to the growing body of research showing associations between short birth intervals and negative outcomes in health and family functioning.

Yeah good point there The divorces amongst my friends are much higher with those who have kids. The ones that have been married 25 years plus are all childfree

Did they choose to be childfree? All my relatives that have no children chose that and I know most of my friends did too (not sure about all of them).

I probably know almost as many childfree couples as couples with children and they are all definitely happier. A lot of the ones with children say having children destroyed their marriage

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8294566/

Surveys conducted over the last few years on representative samples in the US and Germany suggest that the percentage of parents who regret having children is approximately 17–8%.
...
The results obtained show that the percentage of parents who regret parenthood is higher in Poland than in the US or Germany, and that parents who regret having children are characterized by a higher level of adverse childhood experiences, have poorer psychological and somatic health, are more vulnerable to social evaluation, and experience strong parental identity crisis and parental burnout. Regretting parenthood also turns out to be associated with the parent’s financial situation and marital status, and with having children with special needs.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-future-self/202310/if-you-regret-parenthood-researchers-say-youre-not-alone
The team of researchers who conducted the study highlighted past research showing that regret over having children isn’t rare or unheard of, as 5-14% of parents have this feeling. They also noted that social disapproval around this topic, alongside the absence of ways to assess regret over parenthood, are both factors behind the relative scarcity of research in this valuable area. To address this issue, they created and tested an assessment known as the Parenthood Regret Scale. They translated it across three languages (i.e., Polish, French, and English) and found that it’s a reliable and valid measure.

In their research with this scale, they found a link between regret over parenthood and parenting burnout, depression, and contentment with one’s life. Specifically, more parental regret was connected to less happiness with life and more parenting burnout and depression

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/parents-children-regret-yougov-survey-b1871964.html

Data from YouGov shows that although the vast majority of parents (83 per cent) say they have never felt regret about starting a family, eight per cent say they regret it, while another six per cent previously had regrets but don’t now.
YouGov surveyed 1,249 parents and found that not all who regret the decision to become a parent feel the same way forever. One in seven regretted having children at some point in their lives, compared to one in 12 who said they still regret it.

The figures are higher than I thought they'd be - and I wonder as financially it's got harder in many countries and socially less support from families and as work hours and commutes have got longer the number have it's increased.

Same with everyone I know - those who don’t have children are the ones that have split up, usually due to an affair

In my friendship group it's the complete opposite- people have expressed sadness and regret that they never had kids and its caused their relationships to split up.