To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

I did, until DD was about 2. I loved her but my goodness did I mourn my old life. She’s 3 now and I don’t feel like that at all any more (though I do sometimes still wish for a weekend away with DH like the good old days…we were on the fence about DC for so long that our parents are too elderly to have DD for any prolonged period of time)

Quite! Some people here see the world in black and white.

I don't think so - though hard to really say.

I only know two women who will admit regretting having kids - one was MIL and she was had opposite view when he got independent and loves the GC and wouldn't be without. Other was a nanny and pre-shcool worker - I couldn't image any one more prepared.

I know many many more parents who say they wished they'd done it sooner or could have more - which doesn't suggest regretting the kids.

It depend on how life pans out though - it's a gamble and not for everyone and so many varriable - health of everyone, how releationshiop get impacted, work/life balances - even where you bring them up imact on parental happiness levels - what constraints you encounter.

Also depends on age of kids - happies people are apparently one with adult kids who live independent - but having young kids is hard work so will impact negatively.

They are best thing I ever did - and I've had some posters insist I must be lying or deluded. I'm not sure I'd have been as happy as a single parent though Dsis has done okay and seems happy but I would have found it easier with more social support and more money.

I never wanted kids then I did and they’re the best thing ever. I don’t know anyone who regrets having kids.
Yes, we all complained about sleepless nights, no lie ins and all the chores but we all love our kids enough to go through all this.

Of course some will have regrets but I think it’s a few rather than many.

Tbh a poster (parent) has been on the Mumsnetters without children forum accusing us of gloating and being insensitive when we talk about the positives of child free life! I'm always glad to hear about happy parents but it does work both ways.

THIS!

I’m child-free but even I notice the rush to tear down anyone who dares enjoy parenthood. On MN of course. IRL everyone I know with children is openly besotted with them.

I'm childfree and in my 40s and very happy I chose this route.

I don't imagine any of my parent friends regret having their kids. It's clear how much joy and pride they get from them, despite the challenges.

I'd say, once you're 40-odd and over, life can be tough either way. Getting older, peri/menopause, sick of work having done it for 20+ years, sick to the back teeth of chores, elderly parents in increasingly ailing health....

Have never regretted having my children. But I was so ready to have them when I did.

I can imagine if I'd had them when I was younger and hadn't yet achieved all I wanted to, I might feel regretful. Or if they had been born with intensive health issues that meant a complete lifestyle change, then that would be difficult to reconcile.

I do recognise often that I am super lucky and hit the jackpot where my children are concerned.

I suspect some people approach parenthood with a 'might as well give it a go' attitude and then find out too late that they don't really fancy it after all. Which boggles my mind.

There was a thread on here today where the OP was like 'I didn't plan on being pregnant but oh well, it's happened now' and I read something like that and just think WTF?!

If the second is true, we can never know whether the first is, can we? I certainly think there's a huge taboo attached to women saying anything negative about motherhood, as its seen as a self inflected issue, unnatural, indicating they're unfit for the role, and generally people respond with comments designed to make them feel guilty or they must be doing it wrong.

I don’t remember before kids much, but I was only 24 and I’m now 42. I wonder if having them later could mean more of a before life to miss?

I went out for dinner once with a group of six women. Random grouping. We were at school together and familiar, rather than friends. One didn’t have DC (not by choice). One confessed to regretting them - loved them, but if she had her time again wouldn’t bother. The rest of us didn’t regret and would have them.

My gut feeling is that that ratio probably works if you extrapolated it out to the rest of the population.

I think there’s a massive difference between regretting having kids and having the odd moment where you think god I’d love to just not be responsible for a tiny human today. Regretting your kids must be a horrible thing to live with. It’s not always plain sailing with little ones but the love and joy you get back from them is indescribable.

I do regret sometimes. I get no joy at all from them. But then I remind myself they're not really there to give me joy. And just to crack on.

I don’t for a minute regret my children but I’ll regret who I had them with until the day I die

I regret it massively and am grateful that I only have one. It rarely comes up in conversation so I guess it’s still taboo.

I resent that Gen X women were encouraged to establish their careers, with very little consideration given to fertility. Ultimately, it led to me frantically having IVF at 38, and having a child at 40 who has a plethora of disabilities relating to maternal age, which has objectively ruined my life. I may have felt differently if I’d become a mother in my 20’s, but I was too busy trying to have it all! <hollow laugh>

I'm sure some do. I'm sure most people have the occasional moment during rough patches. But I don't think actually regretting becoming a parent is very widespread. I certainly hope it isn't, for everyone concerne.d

Whe they were little I resented the end of the holidays, I hated sending them to school. We had such a lot of fun when not constrained by a school schedule and homework and all that rot.They were relaxed and happy.

Time with my children has been the very best part of my life (so far - it's not over yet). Seeing the close relationships they have with each other as adults is a source of happiness for me.

This, I think it's human nature to miss aspects of life before children and imagine what it would be like to be child free now but i certainly wouldn't say a lot of people regret having children. I would imagine very few people actually regret having their children

I think if you asked parents at the end of their lives, only a very tiny percentage would say they regretted having kids.

I know quite a lot of people who feel they might regret it in the early exhausting years, or briefly if they have tough teenagers, but I don't think most people reflecting back at the end of their lives would regret the decision to have children.

It's a shock to the system and a really hard adjustment to no longer have an easy life where you are not depended on 24hr a day. I actually think it's a special kind of person that thrives on that responsibility, stress, lack of freedom and sleep.

People have babies for all different reasons and not all of them are because they really want to be a parent. (Relationship sticking plaster/ because they are supposed to/ because their friends are/ need a break from work etc)

Given the backlash some women get for not wanting to have kids ever, I think it would be incredibly foolish for parents to voice their regrets out loud, mainly because they often have no option to change anything about it other than bloody get on with it. Each stage of parenting is different, it changes all the time, not to mention not all kids are the same and some need parenting differently.

Oh i definitely think and feel that right now. I gave up my dream career/life/identity when I had my son. Love him to bits but God it's hard. He has autism. Every day I'm getting hit, bitten, scratched, hair pulled. I've had a black eye, various cuts. It's not the life I imagined. I've come to accept it. I feel lucky I got to live my dream career for a large part of my life and recognise that as a mum I have to make sacrifices. Alot of the time I feel like parenting is mind numbing drudgery. I'm ambitious, and I'm still me, but I don't have time for me because I have to prioritise my son's needs.

This.

If anything I regret not having more children!

Your title and your text present different and unconnected propositions.

To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

No, I don't think so. I've met very few parents whom I suspect regret having kids.

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Of course. But that doesn't make the first statement true.

People can regret a lot of choices, but some are seen as more socially acceptable than others.

There were moments for sure. Early days when my body felt terrible and I felt lonely for sure.

but now? My grown up kids are amazing and so talented and successful I darent tell people as it would sound like showing off. It’s an arc for sure.

@InBedBy10

But nothing worth having comes easy.

This. In spades