To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

I think that's probably fair to say, and for the most part true. However there are many kids out there who never stop being "difficult" or a constant worry for their parents.

I have a son with rapid cycle bipolar and severe depression (he's also been in prison) he's in his 40s I'm in my 70s. I don't regret having him. I regret he has huge challenges.i have a relative with an autistic child with severe learning disabilities,he will never be able to live independently. Shes not quite as old as me, sometimes he has huge meltdowns,in public places as well as at home, she has never regretted his birth. He's in his 30s.

Very true. A bit like supporting a football team, most people are much more vocal when things are going badly than they are when things are going great. Also the bad bits of parenting/having kids can be very visible when out in public. The misbehaving toddler, the complaining 8 year old etc. However the fun happy parts are often only experienced internally. The pride at your child’s funny personality or nice comment or action which looks like nothing to an outsider, but makes the bad bits worthwhile (sometimes anyway!).

Very true. The world is no worse than its every been. In fact it’s probably just about as good as it’s ever been. We’re just fixated on the bad stuff like never before (nice job iPhones). Throughout human history people just got on with carving out their tiny corner. Nowadays everyone’s obsessed with gawping at a load of macro national and geopolitical stuff we can’t fix.

Ah that’s a very good point bless him

Exactly the same for me - I was happy but felt very empty before having kids

My dad once made the very good point that you have to have children to have grandchildren (yes I know it's obvious haha).
But he meant that although having children is very hard work, having grandchildren is great fun, with very little of the hard stuff!

I'm finding that a bit of a challenge, if I'm honest.

I was a very involved mum, we were always doing stuff or having a party or visiting places. I have never known such a wonderful sense of purpose and happiness.

Now I'm mostly surplus to requirements. That's a good thing, as parenting is a long path towards obsolescence - by which I mean they don't need you but they still want to see you and spend time together occasionally.

I love how they are thriving in the real world. I'm proud of the people they've become. But I do miss the years when we did so much together, it was so much fun.

Yes @Holluschickie - couldn't agree more with that!

Again, I am excepting parents of children with additional needs and/or serious health challenges that upend your life.

But in the normal day-to-day, I think a lot of things can still be done with kids if you care enough, prioritise those things and try hard enough.

When I was first pregnant, a friend who didn't want kids said to me 'having kids ruins your relationship, your career and your body'. My relationship and career are both in excellent shape and my body is the same kind of okay-ish size 12 it always was. 😂

It isn’t just losing your old life. Children bring a suffocating worry. The dread of something bad happening to them can be overwhelming. And it never ends

I've not found that TBH - which as I was raise by anxious people and was really anxious in 20s (looking back probably pill) is a surprise.

I think I have faith in the DC - they're pretty sensible intellegent people - they are all teens so independent move around the world under their own steam- who are good company most of the time.

I think part of the problem is a lot of what's fun with kids sounds mundane, boring or sometimes even yuck - but when it's your kids evolution has tricks up it sleeve - Oxytocin and rewiring pg brains. There's a lot of hidden joy that get dismissed or looked down on in our society.

I still don't think parenthood is for everyone - but I'm aware for me surpsingly these have been some the hardest but happiest years of my life.

What annoys me is when having a gurn because toddler has been given me a hard time I'm met with well you wanted them. Just because I'm having a gurn dosent mean I regret them or don't want them

Same. And to be honest my life felt empty and meaningless beforehand so i was unhappy being childLESS.

Not to say that's the same for everyone but that's my truth.

I am a published author. Not famous but published by an academic press and in bookshops.

One of my reasons for getting up at 5 am to write my books was that a friend told me when I was pregnant that I would now never be published because the pram in the hall blah blah. It took me till I was 40, but I have published 4 books. She hasn't written any.

I believe it is very important to not blame your kids for your own overwhelming anxiety or inability to do stuff. Worrying all day about your kids is on you, not them.

Same - I don’t know why some people think having kids mean you are unhappy - my life is the best it has even been because of having kids

No I don't think so. Children can be a lot of work but most people I know adore their children and wouldn't be without them.

But would your life have been better if you hadn’t had kids?

I didn't say otherwise ?

We would all be happier and less stressed if we stepped away from technology is all i'm saying ... troubles in life aren't new.

Of course, yes. But just because we don't have to concern ourselves with say bubonic plague these days, doesn't mean the worries of today aren't valid. It's just a different set of worries.

No. It is not my experience, I have noticed people who I never thought would be parents, doing an amazing job, raising little people who they absolutely adore.
Most parents adore their children and want the best for them.

@PITCHpink and @StillTheOne Thank you for replying to my comment. It's really interesting to see it being commented on from the perspective of parents. Obviously I am not pleased to hear that you worry for your children's' futures, but it is does reinforce my belief that either road can lead to regret. I wish both you and your families all the best. 🙂

The ones with children and regret seem to be constantly scanning for approval and sympathy so we see a lot of those posts on MN. You'd have to be an arse to chime in with how much you personally enjoyed motherhood on threads like those.

I just think there isn't much point in having a discussion about how good it is - I mean, what is there to say about that - just nodding and agreeing that it's pretty good, it is hardly the foundation of a busy thread.

Edit: But, actually, of course someone would come along and accuse you of false consciousness or attribute your contentedness to a symptom of your lack of life experience or ambition- I've seen that a few times 🤣

I didn't have children and have not regretted that for a second. But quite a few of my friends who have children have told me, in confidence, that they love their kids but if they could have their time over again they wouldn't have had any. I think I'm a safe person to tell as I'm not going to judge.

Having said that, I heard that mostly when the kids were young and more demanding. I think most people experience some moments of regret when parenting is most trying, but hopefully don't regret becoming parents overall.

The world has always been messy and gone through ups and downs. It would have been the same when we were born.

Difference is, we are absorbing negative news 24/7 because of phones.

I don't personally think 'alot' of people regret having children at all.

Do some people? Of course. People will always regret some of their choices in life.

People also regret not having them i'm sure.

I have never regretted it for a single second.

Absolutely this!!