To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

All the childfree couples I know do have major regret

A recurring theme??

Yeah I’ve noticed it too. It’s either defensive childless people or the ones who shouldn’t have become parents.

I’m sure @Lovageandgeraniumsknows her relative quite well and as she said her relative has never ever regretted having her Son

But you (unless additional needs etc) get your life back. It was a slog in the younger years but they were so damn cute, then they get to 4/5 and it’s easier. Then you get yourself back, get your life back and you have the additional awesomeness of kids 💙

Sometimes it’s hard but I don’t regret my kids at all. Not one littke but. I did everything I wanted before I had them: travelled, lived life etc. My life before kids seems kind of empty compared with how full my life is now. I didn’t have the easiest relationship with my own parents and having my daughters has been very healing. I don’t talk about it tho as I think it’s come across smug to those who have made different choices. Not one drop of regret here

Don’t regret having them, it’s just hard, exhausting, mostly thankless work.
I miss having some independence and fun. And being fulfilled in other ways such as by easier career progression.
But you can’t have everything! Unless you’re a real go getter.

Both statements there, KC… Both total BS, aren’t they?
I was a happily child-free woman, now I’m a happy mum.

I find the constant negativity around parenting on this site for parents really annoying lately. Is parenting hard? Yes, undoubtedly. Does that mean you regret having kids…perhaps on bad days, fleetingly, for a moment. Especially in the long newborn nights. But deeply, fundamentally? I’d say that’s very few people. The narrative that people hate being a parent is actually really damaging because it puts people off doing something rather wonderful. The young women at work seem terrified of having kids because of the prevailing negativity (not just on this site). I’ve always worked in an enjoyable career, I’ve always travelled…but at 46, I can only say that watching my children grow and learn and being a part of that is the most meaningful thing I will ever do. And the thought of them getting partners, having children, popping round for Sunday lunch and to regale me with their adventures in the years to come…there’s no other life I’d want. Because I still get to do the other stuff like travel and work but with my three wonderful children in my life too.

Had mine at 44.
Best of both worlds.

This tiresome trope that parents are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret is just swill and needs to stop.

Exactly the same is true of the tiresome trope that happily childfree women are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret.

Nannyfannybanny · Today 18:39
I have a son with rapid cycle bipolar and severe depression (he's also been in prison) he's in his 40s I'm in my 70s. I don't regret having him. I regret he has huge challenges.i have a relative with an autistic child with severe learning disabilities,he will never be able to live independently. Shes not quite as old as me, sometimes he has huge meltdowns,in public places as well as at home, she has never regretted his birth. He's in his 30s

RJ2025

Great to hear - unconditional love!

How do you know it's unconditional love? The mother might feel she has no option but to play the role of the saintly mother or she will be labelled a monster.

I was quite surprised last time I was at my hairdresser's and she said randomly that 'she didn't think she'd do it if given her time again '. Her DC are adults now, so it was surprising. I've known her a long time & she's never expressed this. I guess it's that she barely hears from her DC now they've moved out & her DD gave them a horrible time. It obviously wasn't worth it.

I agreed. I didn't think I'd end up with two SEN DC, and didn't consider back then, that we'd be scaping by & our time spent driving DC around & organising therapy. I can't even have a decent career anymore. Stuck in a shitty pt job that allows school hours. Right now DH I could both be earning well, freely travelling the world. I also see so much we'd like to do - theatre, eating out, etc. and we just can't. I have nothing for myself. And no time to do it.

This is what I was wondering how to put into words.
My life is so much better for having DC in it, but I feel guilty sometimes for bringing him into such a shit show!

Same - there was 4 of us and we never had to fight for love or attention

I don’t regret having children but I regret having as many as I did.

One might be enough for your family. Two children are great, when one is annoying, you can still have a favourite.
My DM had 5, none of us were short of love.
We are all close as adults.

Absolutely agree about marriage especially when you marry young if you marry past 60 I think it’s worth it

I think people go wrong with having to many children, two is hard work and I understand why people want two but one is enough. Kids make friends like siblings.

One million percent agree with everything you have said. Definitely needs to stop - most people don’t regret having children

To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

If so many people regret having kids, there would be far more only children.

It is an exaggeration to say 'a lot'. It is hard in the early years and yes, people will find the loss of the childfree life difficult to adjust (I did) with pre-schoolers. Now as a mother of two young adults who were horrendous as babies, I can tell it gets better and better every single day. I won't be without them, my life's work.

This tiresome trope that parents are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret is just swill and needs to stop.

Well I often think I'm glad to have started a family in my mid 30s and had lots of adventures, wild times, stories to tell in my past - because once you have kids, life changes so dramatically & it would've been a bitter pill to have not had the chance to do my own thing in my prime for a good long while.

Sometimes it's timing. But in the long run, I wonder how much more these same people would have regretted not having kids.

Like others have said, it's very human to ponder on different roads & possibilities.

That's lovely and so true. @Nannyfannybanny
My DS has a few genetic problems, some that impact his mental health and I'm sorry and sad that he has to go tjtough life with it. But absolutely no regrets even through the hard times.
I never assumed becoming a parent was going to be easy, so far, so good.
My friend spent the guts of 7 years in a hospital before her daughter died.
Like Garth Brooke sings, 🎵
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance 🎵

That’s great to hear - unconditional love!

I don’t and have never regretted becoming a mother. I have one dd (late teen now) and they’ve made my life so much better. At this age it’s like having a friend around.

I have friends with younger kids though who have 2+ and are in the thick of it. They all seem very stressed , but I don’t think any of them regret it (maybe occasionally when kids are being kids!).

I do work with a lot of families and whilst nobody has ever said they regret it, I do often wonder. Think families involved with social care due to DV, overcrowding in homes, poverty, multiple kids with SEN or MH difficulties etc. some kids and parents have really shit lives.