To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

I am genuinely happy to have my kids.
The things that bring me the greatest joy and satisfaction are standing on the side of a freezing pitch with other parents as our kids train for the sport they enjoy
Of being in a park with my kids while they enjoy playing
Of doing boardgames and puzzles and swimming and bush walks with my funny, interesting kids
Of putting away their washing in the evening and looking around their cozy, personality-full bedrooms and being so grateful that I get to provide warmth and safety for them.

I have a demanding, fulfilling career that I worked /work so hard for and brings me so much satisfaction. I have friends, a happy marriage, and hobbies. But my children are the light of my life.

Would I bring this up generally? No, of course not. I don't want to be boastful about my good fortune. But don't believe that just because people aren't shouting it, they don't often feel the same as me.

I specifically remember feeling ready to have a baby when I was 27. I’d really enjoyed my 20s, worked in a creative industry, travelled and partied and I remember feeling ready to give that up. I think the key is doing lots of stuff before you have kids so you don’t look back in regret. And now I am 46 with a nearly 18 year old, I am looking forward to doing lots of crazy stuff again!

Never regretted for a second, despite the tough times. And always wanted them from childhood onward. None of my good friends have ever said that they do either. I think most people probably understand that nothing in life is simple - you take the bad with the good.

I think it's very important to have discussions about regretting parenting, even- or especially on- a parenting site. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, no doubt about that.

However, I get REALLY annoyed when a new mum comes here for support with a difficult baby, and some posters immediately arrive to say how glad they are not to have had children. There is rightly much outrage when parents clumsily trample over the Mners without children forum. 🙂 Vice-versa applies too. New mums need pep talks. The baby years are short. Don't judge your life by them. You will travel again!

I might also add that internet forums are not representative of life. People only post their problems. Very many happy parents do not post that their child delighted them with a gift or a card or an achievement. It would be seen as smug.
Also, the internet attracts very anxious people. On MN I see this line often: Parents never stop worrying.
But I don't worry all the time. I do sometimes, but it doesn't take over my life. People who worry that much are likely very anxious ( excepting SEN issues) and would likely be anxious even without kids.

Once again I don't regret have DC. However I would have been happy without children had I never met them.

Life would probably be more exciting, more money, more freedom, more me too, of course I have fantasised about this other life too.

Two of my aunts from a family of 11 children decided not to have children, they are very happy people who have travelled the world.

No regrets here, but I had my one and only late at 38. We’d ’put off’ having kids because we weren’t 100% sure we wanted them, but by my late 30s all that freedom and fancy holidays etc was starting to feel a bit hollow and meaningless. It was the right time for me and I feel I’ve had the best of both worlds.

I wouldn't be surprised if most parents had moments of regret, particularly in the newborn trenches or when they're up all night with a vomiting 5 year old. Those moments pass though.

I think there must be some parents who regret having children at all but they're the minority. I hope they don't let their children know though.

Are you projecting, OP? I wouldn’t say a lot of people but even so, regrets are futile. Having a child is an enormous responsibility and anyone who decides to reproduce better be damned sure that they know what they’re getting into.

I kind of think you're speaking for her though. My sibling has always been a horror and a headache, all the way from birth cradle to adulthood. And my mum practically wept with joy when he moved out. But his earnestness and sweetness towards her (all part of his extreme emotions...) makes her incredibly happy too and she loves him a lot. That said I do take your point that there definitely ARE people who would be happier without kids. Just that we really can't say on behalf of others.

Yeah but some things are wiser not to say as they can be easily misconstrued. Overheard my mum saying something like she regrets having children to a friend or something when I was little and it stuck with me for life and really messed me up. Kids can't comprehend nuance.

But in a 100% child free situation yes people should share. Feelings are often complex - I genuinely think for most people the rewarding part DOES outweigh the sense of loss, and if they were given a choice to turn back the clock they would still have their DC in their lives.

I think there are some people. Most people love their kids. I not only love my DDs, I like them and the thought of my life w/ out them seems horrifying.

However, I have a friend with a very difficult son, he's always been tough to deal w/ and I'm sure she regrets him. She hasn't explicitly said so, but she doesn't like him, resents the money/resources/pain he sucks from her and when he finally moved out she was so much lighter. She'd have been much happier not being a mom.

Wow, so you think the choice is either have children or be bored and drink to excess? What a strange outlook on life. For what it's worth I don't have kids, don't get bored (you surely don't believe that there is nothing to do outside of spending time with kids) and don't drink at all. Personally I would be bored rigid if I had kids.

We are all different, fancy that.

Finding it hard or mourning the childfree life doesn't mean you regret the decision to have children.

Did you have children because you were bored, for something to do?

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

None of the ones I know do. 🤷‍♀️

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up

Why do you assume the life someone gives up to have children was so great in the first place.

Definitely had a better life with children.

I do know a lot of older people who chose not to have children and whilst they all say they have fantastic lives, personally it looks very boring.
They all drink much more than is healthy and I assume it is because they have little else to do and are incredibly bored

I didn't have them and didn't want them until my mid 40s.
I got to have the "other" child free life with freedom and money and career for a very long time. It was good and all that but I don't regret trading it in.

My daughter is 18 months old and a few times a week I think ‘why have I done this’. I had a good life before and now everything feels difficult and I often feel overwhelmed and like I’ve lost my independence. However, she was very wanted, the love I feel for her is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before and I do think the good times are amazing and massively outweigh the bad. I would always choose a life with her in it, it’s just a constant rollercoaster of emotions!

Biggest blessing in life. UPO but I think it's in our dna as women to year for children. I don't mean, thinking and hoping for one. I mean biologically speaking our bodies do, and it is truly amazing. If you regret it you weren't ready and there's nothing wrong with that. However, your children are here and you have a job to do, which does not involve regret, they didn't ask to be here. You made it so

I had my babies so young (21 and 25) I did mourn my 20s bur now I'm in 40s and loving life

Well sorry, but I think it's really sad for anyone to centre their life and mere existence on someone else. I don't believe you feeling like that is actually healthy for your kids.

I've never been interested in having a career or earning pots of money, but I've never wanted children either. I have lived alone for most of my life and absolutely wouldn't change that for anyone.

Reading this thread as a 36 week pregnant FTM who has had anxiety recently about this big life change. I’m feeling heaps better - thanks ladies 🥰

Just out of curiosity how many did you have?

Most of my friends say the old line, 'if I knew what I knew now, I wouldn't have had kids'. My children are utter chaos, they drive me up the wall sometimes and it's really tough on my own but I would choose them again in every lifetime, I will never regret opening my heart and soul to my children.

Motherhood can be hard but it's full of love and joy.