To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

I was quite surprised last time I was at my hairdresser's and she said randomly that 'she didn't think she'd do it if given her time again '

I'm not sure if we were staring out now we'd have three - not because we haven't loved having three kids - we have and if finances were different we'd have had more - but as an acknowledgement our society only made it harder in the years since to have kids -mostly financially.

I often see it in news articles that the UK has a fertility gap of around 0.3 children, meaning for every three children wanted, only two are born.

You also see stastic that for every 10% increase in house prices fertilty drops by 1% - whcih does suggest there is pent up demand in some section of socitey for more children which doesn't suggest regret more people being finacilly reponsible and making tough decsions.

Ties in more with what I hear much more than regret that people wish they started soon or could have more.

That's not to say there not a section of socitey which just do not want kids - cleary they exist and they should be allowed to live their lives with no negativecomments -( though I think many parents would also like less negative comments about when they have kids, how many and how they raise them).

I'm not sure it's a lot, certainly my extended family is made so much better by having all the children in it.
My own children are adults and we are all very close, I simply couldn't imagine anything different.
I have a career, and I am grateful that I enjoy it most of the time, but it doesn't compare to the wonder and sense of achievement of being someone's mum.
I still get to enjoy hobbies, travel, and see friends.
I think you may be referring to the early years, when perhaps young parents are adjusting to the change, but that doesn't last long.

@tumblingdowntherabbithole I never meant to - I was intended to be career focused. But I hated that and I loved time with my kids so much that it was an absolute joy.

I was self employed as well, which I fitted around parenting (and developed a shocking caffeine addiction in a bid to stay awake). But although I enjoyed my work, my children were so much more rewarding and fun.

I very consciously have nurtured other interests in recent years as the kids grew up. That’s because I would hate to be a needy pain in the arse who is always wanting more from my adult children. And my relationship with DH is strong and loving, which is an important factor too. I have a great life!

I felt quite anxious before my first because I really did like my life before, but it was all just so much better than I’d expected. You are warned about the sleepless nights and nappies but with no counterpoint! The bad bits were pretty much as I had mentally prepared for, but the good bits were a welcome surprise. I also thought I’d miss the stuff I “couldn’t do” any more, but didn’t realise that a lot of the time I wouldn’t actually want to, and I’m happy at home with the family. That said, I still see friends, still eat out etc etc - just fewer Michelin stars and more lunches rather than dinners! Good luck 😊

This is why I worry for women (and it's always women) who make their children their entire purpose and life. Their childhood is so short - what happens for the 40+ years you have afterwards?

Life if you are lucky is pretty long -to give up 15 years of it give or take to raise a child, more if you have more DCs isn’t a great ask imv. I have relations without DCs - retired now , one is v into golf and the other not into anything in particular.

Why are you their friend? I too have similar people in my life but have downgraded them to acquaintances.
All my friends, parents or child free, are very interesting and have numerous interests: books, travel, theatre or heritage.

These things are good to discuss but mourning and regretting are two quite different things so there’s a mixed bag on responses here.

Mourning seems natural if you felt your life was fuller or more enjoyable before kids but it doesn’t mean you actually regret having kids.

Lots of people do regret becoming parents I think but that seems natural too- nobody can ever know if parenthood is actually for them until they have done it. And by then it’s too late. So in that situation, parents have a hard road but the main thing is never ever tell or give away to the children that if that is how your feel. The worst burden to give them. You’re their world, whether you’d have chosen to be or not. These adult feelings also come and go over time and are often a symptom of other life stresses or unresolved trauma that need to be addressed.

This. I have some mind numbingly boring friends whose interest in the world around them ends with their children and grandchildren.

☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
Plus, you can probably assume the life was great because adults have autonomy to shape every part of their lives until such time as they have kids. If PP can’t stretch her mind to imagine that people really can have fabulous lives without children then I’d suggest it’s her that’s boring (and I say this as someone with children).

I have seen it several times. Or when a poster has a difficult teen. Or when a poster has had a tough holiday with small kids.

We are all allowed to moan a bit.

Do you live in a big city? Friends I know in this position have vastly different experiences depending on whether they live somewhere that all their friends are settled down with 2.4 kids or a more mixed bag in a vibrant place with lots happening.

Yep, that's my child free by choice life. Pissed and bored 🙄 what a bloody ridiculous thing to say 🤦🏻‍♀️

However, I get REALLY annoyed when a new mum comes here for support with a difficult baby, and some posters immediately arrive to say how glad they are not to have had children.

How often does this actually happen? As someone without children I wouldn’t dream of doing this.

No it's not, and it's very patronising to say so. Just as patronising as if people said your life was sad for not having kids in it.

As I said above my life is fulfilling in many aspects. But at the very core for me, is my role as a mother, and my children's role and presence in my life. You might not relate but it doesn't make my life, or the other poster's life, sad.

All the parents I know drink a lot, whether at home or socialising with other parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have 0 regrets having my daughter. She’s the best thing in our lives and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
however I do think people have regret (perhaps more in a wistful way and just miss their old life so much.)
the only thing I struggle with is social media acting like parenting and motherhood is perfect and so easy. It’s hard to live up to an unobtainable standard so sometimes plays into the idea that my life will never be as perfect as these people.
I would never change anything about having my baby and I know I’ll miss her being around all the time when she gets a bit older and I’m no longer cool :D
it’s just stages though. People will be able to do more “normal” things when their children are older.
I do like that I did a lot of travelling when I was in my early 20s, a lot of experiences, a lot of fun nights out and didn’t have a child til my 30s otherwise perhaps I would wonder about my life before

That’s terribly sad.

Don’t agree, child free in my mid 40’s and have no regrets at all. Why would you just want a child to fill a perceived void because your life isn’t the same as in your twenties or thirties? My life is fortunately not much different from my earlier decades, I do have more confidence and money though.

I'm not sure about a lot

I've known a few families that have absolutely hated a child and regretted having them.
However away from work all my friends have said at some point having kids was the best thing they ever ever done.

There is not a single thing I would change if i had my time over.

However, I do sometimes silently sob in the shower from being so incredibly touched out and overwhelmed. I miss spontaneity.

I both do and don't.
I wouldn't be apart from my kids but the life I had prior was great and there's things I won't ever be able to do again (aged out of national competitions and no time to train to world competition level again).
That's ok, life has seasons.
The biggest lie we are told is that we can do /have it all.
I'm in my family life stage.
I mourn my athlete life stage, but if I really want to it'll come back when the kids are older in a different way I'm sure

Mourning the life you had pre kids doesn't mean you regret having them. They're 2 different things.

Maybe they do when they are young. I don’t think i’ve had many (or any) days when i’ve regretted having my 3 kids. I had my first when I was 16, so I didn’t have much prior life to mourn. He is 31 now and my others are 20 and 17. So now is my time, and I am enjoying my new found freedom (apart from needing a dog sitter!!). The time goes fast, and to be fair my 3 kids have all been very easy. A friend has an autistic child (non verbal, still in nappies at 6.5) and life is very hard for her. She often says she regrets having a child and I can totally get that. Every day is tough for her.

@Yazzi my kids are adults and I so miss the football/ boardgame days! It is the stuff of life. Or my life anyway.

Enjoy them. It goes so quickly.