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Original poster

Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

190 replies

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:37

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

OP posts:
MyNeedyLilacBird · 13/06/2025 10:53

I agree with your husband. You can't pull out this close to the wedding. You shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid in the first place if this was how you felt- you should have thanked her for the offer but declined and explained why.

Friendships change and sadly seem fade. I wouldn't skip the wedding and I wouldn't cut her off. She's more of an acquaintance now it seems and I'd just accept that's were the friendship has went. No need for any drama. I've friendships that have went this way and it's disappointing but unavoidable

JabbaTheBeachHut · 13/06/2025 10:52

Pulling out now would be nasty.

As others have said, just see your commitment through and pull away after that.

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:51

HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:50

I think this is a bit harsh!

I think the bride is weird for asking someone to be their bridesmaid who they don't have a relationship with or seem.to care about

Show quote history

Thank you for understanding. My other friends know I’m quite a laid back person, I’m not the sort to expect constant meet ups.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:51

Scarydinosaurs · 13/06/2025 10:49

Get the day over and then allow it to drift.

Ypu can’t pull out now.

Have you said to her “I don’t feel as close to you anymore”? You can’t pull out without a conversation first.

Yes I’ve mentioned it’s a shame we don’t talk or meet up as much - it’s usually met with let’s meet soon! And nothing comes of it. I guess we haven’t had a serious chat though

OP posts:
HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:50

neverbeenskiing · 13/06/2025 10:44

I think that now you've agreed to be her BM, it would be extremely childish not to turn up because you're feeling jealous of her other friendships. You say she hasn't said or done anything unkind to you, you've just drifted apart so to dramatically resign from being her BM or to just not turn up sounds really unnecessary. What would you be hoping to achieve? You say you enjoyed the hen do and the meets ups with the other bridesmaids, so go and enjoy the wedding and then it you want to let the friendship drift again afterwards you're free to do so I suppose, but I'm honestly not sure what it is you want from her. Not every friendship has to involve being in constant contact and living in each other's pockets.

I think this is a bit harsh!

I think the bride is weird for asking someone to be their bridesmaid who they don't have a relationship with or seem.to care about

arcticpandas · 13/06/2025 10:50

I would go through with it since you already got everything planned out and paid for. She probably felt obliged to have you as a BM as you had her. Don't need to make any big decisions about your friendship either. If she continues to not keep in touch it has self died.

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:50

HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:48

Were all the bridesmaids asked.at the same time?
I'd be suspicious that she asked you because someone else dropped out
Seeing as you've spent money (which she is cheeky to ask of you!hope, hopefully it wasn't loads!) You.might as well go and then just let.it fade

We were all asked at the same time

Yes it totals about £200 which is a lot to me but I guess not to some

That is what my DH says, turn up for your friend and enjoy the day then you can maybe have a conversation (after the wedding and honeymoon) or let it fade out

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 13/06/2025 10:49

Get the day over and then allow it to drift.

Ypu can’t pull out now.

Have you said to her “I don’t feel as close to you anymore”? You can’t pull out without a conversation first.

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:48

PosiePetal · 13/06/2025 10:43

I agree with your husband. Don't let her down this late on, she hasn't done anything to deserve that. Presumably your husband and child will attend the wedding, too?

Some friendships wax and wane like this. I drifted from my closest friend for a few years when her child was young but we then started seeing each other more often when I moved closer to her and had children.

Thank you. I feel quite sad that our friendship has drifted, there’s been no fall outs and it’s not either of our faults.

I try to make the effort but find myself getting nothing back. I thought her asking me to be bridemaid was the olive branch I was hoping for,

OP posts:
HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:48

Were all the bridesmaids asked.at the same time?
I'd be suspicious that she asked you because someone else dropped out
Seeing as you've spent money (which she is cheeky to ask of you!hope, hopefully it wasn't loads!) You.might as well go and then just let.it fade

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:47

neverbeenskiing · 13/06/2025 10:44

I think that now you've agreed to be her BM, it would be extremely childish not to turn up because you're feeling jealous of her other friendships. You say she hasn't said or done anything unkind to you, you've just drifted apart so to dramatically resign from being her BM or to just not turn up sounds really unnecessary. What would you be hoping to achieve? You say you enjoyed the hen do and the meets ups with the other bridesmaids, so go and enjoy the wedding and then it you want to let the friendship drift again afterwards you're free to do so I suppose, but I'm honestly not sure what it is you want from her. Not every friendship has to involve being in constant contact and living in each other's pockets.

I feel she has asked me to be her bridemaid becuase she was mine. I don’t feel like she has any interest in my life, ignores most of my messages.

Your comment about living in each others pockets - you don’t know me IRL and I’m not the sort of person that expects weekly messages. My reasoning is because when I ask about wedding plans or how she is or anything - she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. But the other bridemaids know much more than me.

She has no real interest in me or my life anymore, and it is very clear.

OP posts:
PomeloOud · 13/06/2025 10:46

Of course you can’t pull out now. That would be an awful thing to do.

ThePussy · 13/06/2025 10:44

I agree with your DH.

neverbeenskiing · 13/06/2025 10:44

I think that now you've agreed to be her BM, it would be extremely childish not to turn up because you're feeling jealous of her other friendships. You say she hasn't said or done anything unkind to you, you've just drifted apart so to dramatically resign from being her BM or to just not turn up sounds really unnecessary. What would you be hoping to achieve? You say you enjoyed the hen do and the meets ups with the other bridesmaids, so go and enjoy the wedding and then it you want to let the friendship drift again afterwards you're free to do so I suppose, but I'm honestly not sure what it is you want from her. Not every friendship has to involve being in constant contact and living in each other's pockets.

PosiePetal · 13/06/2025 10:43

I agree with your husband. Don't let her down this late on, she hasn't done anything to deserve that. Presumably your husband and child will attend the wedding, too?

Some friendships wax and wane like this. I drifted from my closest friend for a few years when her child was young but we then started seeing each other more often when I moved closer to her and had children.