Page 7 | Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

Highlighter37 · 2025-06-13T09:37:56+00:00

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do. I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago. We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently. I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad) To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again. Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t *really* care. It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist. I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:45

IDroppedRocky · 13/06/2025 11:45

If you didn’t want to do it you shouldn’t have agreed. There’s no need for “but but but!” Irrelevant. You did agree, and you would be a dick to pull out now.

Agree, I should have spoken to her at the time of inviting me. I know I should of

OP posts:

IDroppedRocky · 13/06/2025 11:45

If you didn’t want to do it you shouldn’t have agreed. There’s no need for “but but but!” Irrelevant. You did agree, and you would be a dick to pull out now.

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:44

hydriotaphia · 13/06/2025 11:38

Of course you can't let her down, that would be awful. Now you have agreed with it you have to go through with it.

Thank you.

I am going to turn up. It’s too close to the date and I acknowledge I should of done this sooner.

I don’t want everyone thinking I’m just being nasty for the sake of it - I just feel like my texts always get ignored, I was the only person not invited to the “trying wedding dresses on” day, find out about things after they’ve been decided with other bridesmaids. I questioned why on earth she asked me to be one.

I know I sound awful but I begrudge spending money on someone who hasn’t made an effort, I feel a bit funny that I’ve spent about £400 in total with the hen do, wedding gift, dress, hair etc. on someone that can’t even reply to my messages

BUT she hasn’t been rude, nasty, and she was there on my day so I am going to turn up.

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EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/06/2025 11:41

Turn up. Don’t wreck her day this close to.

hydriotaphia · 13/06/2025 11:38

Of course you can't let her down, that would be awful. Now you have agreed with it you have to go through with it.

GreyLion · 13/06/2025 11:34

Having been in a very similar situation asked to be a Bridesmaid but felt excluded with wedding talk etc in the lead up to the wedding, Its not a nice way to feel but I also say the same as others have. Now things have been paid for, turn up try and make the best of the day get it over with and let things drift.

CorrectionCentre · 13/06/2025 11:19

Having read everything you've written OP I would take her invitation to be a bridesmaid as her acknowledging the value and importance of your friendship in her life. I would attend the wedding in the same spirit.
It's sad that the friendship no longer has that significance but don't let that overshadow the positive memories.
Given that you're not in such regular contact, I don't think it's just a sense of obligation because she was your bridesmaid 5 years ago.
Friendships can rekindle after years. Or this one may drift away completely. But it clearly meant a lot to each other so it maybe worth having thst conversation after all the wedding stuff is passed.

honeylulu · 13/06/2025 11:18

Glad you've decided to do it, i agree it wouldn't be right to pull out so late especially as she hasn't done anything bad, you just feel a bit sad and out of place because your friendship isn't as close.

Do your best to enjoy the day, you might be surprised how much you enjoy it if you are determined to have a positive attitude. Think of it as an honour reflecting your shared past. It may even prompt a new phase for your friendship. She might have kids soon after and you can rebond over mum things. The wedding is a potential lifeline for that (if it happens and if you want it of course). If not then at least you'll have had a fun day, dressing up, celebrating and dancing.

All the best!

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:16

5128gap · 13/06/2025 11:16

She's likeky asked you to be her bridesmaid in recognition of your shared history and the role you've played in her life. Just because that role has changed doesn't negate what went before and I can see how she wants you to be part of a day that marks the transition to a new phase of her life. Personally I'd see it as a nice gesture that told me how much I had mattered, and that left the door open for the possibility we may reconnect in future. By pulling out, you would be closing that door and ending your relationship on a low point.

Thank you - reading this made me feel a bit better

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5128gap · 13/06/2025 11:16

She's likeky asked you to be her bridesmaid in recognition of your shared history and the role you've played in her life. Just because that role has changed doesn't negate what went before and I can see how she wants you to be part of a day that marks the transition to a new phase of her life. Personally I'd see it as a nice gesture that told me how much I had mattered, and that left the door open for the possibility we may reconnect in future. By pulling out, you would be closing that door and ending your relationship on a low point.

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:16

middleagedandinarage · 13/06/2025 11:09

Please don't pull out this close to the wedding, it would definitely be the end of your friendship for good, which would be so sad when you've been friends for so long.
I have gone through this many times where you drift in and out of friendships when each of you are going through different stages of your life, I imagine you may become close again in the future. My "best friend" who I've known since primary school (30 years ago) is my absolute rock and we would be lost without each other however we have been friends to varying degrees over that 30 years from talking daily and meeting weekly to literally not seeing or speaking to each other from one year to the next. We've at several points gone through what you're describing where we haven't really felt much connection and we've had other friends we're closer to, no one's fault just life but I'm so grateful we didn't ever take it to heart and do anything which ended the friendship.

Thank you.

I know I probably shouldn’t pull out this late, I don’t want to cause any upset close to the day. This morning I was very emotional and thought of just ending the friendship but I have read some replies and realised I should just enjoy myself on the day and then I can fade things out from there.

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Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:14

WFHmutha25 · 13/06/2025 11:12

My former friend gave me a role in her wedding and I think it was to acknowledge our history as we'd grown up together but were no longer close. It was thoughtful. Can you reframe it like that?

Perhaps she feels this way. Can’t imagine getting married without me being there given our history but also knows we aren’t as close as before

OP posts:

WFHmutha25 · 13/06/2025 11:12

My former friend gave me a role in her wedding and I think it was to acknowledge our history as we'd grown up together but were no longer close. It was thoughtful. Can you reframe it like that?

Doggielovecharlotte · 13/06/2025 11:12

I think a lot of your conclusions about the friendships between you and bride and others sound based on what you think rather than facts - you can’t know what people are thinking and how close they are based on observations

I think you need to reserve judgment until you know or can have a conversation

Definitely turn up for her - it could be your own confidence and negative bias towards seeing thinks that you don’t know for sure are happening

Talipesmum · 13/06/2025 11:10

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:04

Why do people that don’t know me in real life think I’m needy. What makes you think that’s fine to say to a stranger?

I am one of those people who are happy to meet up with close friends a few times a year, we’re all busy and have our own lives.

To ask someone to be bridemaid and exclude them from bridemaid talk, wedding talk, not seem to care about their existence but expect them to spend £200 on hair make up dress plus hen do and not even reply to messages or take an interest is a bit weird.

Hey ho, after reading some replies i think it would be harsh to pull out now. I will show on the day with a smile on my face and remember how long we have been friends and the good days we had together. Then I’ll fade into the distance .

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This sounds like the best plan. Think of it as a nice close out, share the special moment with her, and then see what happens.

middleagedandinarage · 13/06/2025 11:09

Please don't pull out this close to the wedding, it would definitely be the end of your friendship for good, which would be so sad when you've been friends for so long.
I have gone through this many times where you drift in and out of friendships when each of you are going through different stages of your life, I imagine you may become close again in the future. My "best friend" who I've known since primary school (30 years ago) is my absolute rock and we would be lost without each other however we have been friends to varying degrees over that 30 years from talking daily and meeting weekly to literally not seeing or speaking to each other from one year to the next. We've at several points gone through what you're describing where we haven't really felt much connection and we've had other friends we're closer to, no one's fault just life but I'm so grateful we didn't ever take it to heart and do anything which ended the friendship.

toomuchfaff · 13/06/2025 11:08

Another one siding with DH. Go, enjoy the day and let ithe friendship pale off.

paradisecircus · 13/06/2025 11:07

I think at this stage you'd be letting her down a bit if you pulled out, especially as she hasn't particularly done anything wrong. She thinks enough of you to make you her bridesmaid, and you've got the dress etc - I'd just try to go through with it, smile, be happy for her, enjoy the day.
As for fading her out afterwards, maybe give things time to settle after the wedding and then see how you feel. Friendships do shift and change - it may be that you can change your expectations of her without overthinking it or needing to discard her entirely.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/06/2025 11:07

The friendship is over, you probably won't hear from her anymore once the wedding is done.
I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable.
Pull out, she'll get over it, I'd offer to reimburse any expenses and wish her well.
She hasn't shown any interest other than saving face.

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:07

screwyou · 13/06/2025 11:03

OP wasn't forced to agree. Agree with pp it would be terrible of you to pull out now!

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Yeah I think I was wrong for this - I should have spoken to the bride in the first place

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Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:04

Sashya · 13/06/2025 11:00

OP - you sound strangely needy here.

It is normal for people to evolve, and so do friendships, especially the ones where you have known each other for years. I have a few really long term friends - and how we communicate has changed over time, because our lives and life circumstances have changed. And of course - I'd invite them to my most important life events. And at such events - there will be also my "new friends" that I have made throughout life - and with whom I may be communicating more often, or in a different pattern, and they may know more about my life now, or my plans. BUT that does not mean that I care less about my "older" friends.

Stop making it about you. You can not pull out of being a BM with 3 weeks to go to a wedding. It is ridiculous.

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Why do people that don’t know me in real life think I’m needy. What makes you think that’s fine to say to a stranger?

I am one of those people who are happy to meet up with close friends a few times a year, we’re all busy and have our own lives.

To ask someone to be bridemaid and exclude them from bridemaid talk, wedding talk, not seem to care about their existence but expect them to spend £200 on hair make up dress plus hen do and not even reply to messages or take an interest is a bit weird.

Hey ho, after reading some replies i think it would be harsh to pull out now. I will show on the day with a smile on my face and remember how long we have been friends and the good days we had together. Then I’ll fade into the distance .

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screwyou · 13/06/2025 11:03

HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:50

I think this is a bit harsh!

I think the bride is weird for asking someone to be their bridesmaid who they don't have a relationship with or seem.to care about

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OP wasn't forced to agree. Agree with pp it would be terrible of you to pull out now!

Original poster

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 11:01

MyNeedyLilacBird · 13/06/2025 10:53

I agree with your husband. You can't pull out this close to the wedding. You shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid in the first place if this was how you felt- you should have thanked her for the offer but declined and explained why.

Friendships change and sadly seem fade. I wouldn't skip the wedding and I wouldn't cut her off. She's more of an acquaintance now it seems and I'd just accept that's were the friendship has went. No need for any drama. I've friendships that have went this way and it's disappointing but unavoidable

Edited

Thank you. I think you are right. I accepted to be a bridemaid when I was shocked I was asked. I should of had a conversation with her then.

I guess I was just honoured she asked me as we hadn’t met much in the past couple of years. I thought that there was still a friendship there and thought of all the fun wedding events and conversations we would have about flowers, hen does and emotional chats about “remember when you first met”

None of that really happened.

Neither of us are in the wrong and I know friendships drift. It is really hard when you try to be the one to mend, if the other person isn’t putting in effort you feel like it’s time to give up

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Sashya · 13/06/2025 11:00

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:47

I feel she has asked me to be her bridemaid becuase she was mine. I don’t feel like she has any interest in my life, ignores most of my messages.

Your comment about living in each others pockets - you don’t know me IRL and I’m not the sort of person that expects weekly messages. My reasoning is because when I ask about wedding plans or how she is or anything - she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. But the other bridemaids know much more than me.

She has no real interest in me or my life anymore, and it is very clear.

Show quote history

OP - you sound strangely needy here.

It is normal for people to evolve, and so do friendships, especially the ones where you have known each other for years. I have a few really long term friends - and how we communicate has changed over time, because our lives and life circumstances have changed. And of course - I'd invite them to my most important life events. And at such events - there will be also my "new friends" that I have made throughout life - and with whom I may be communicating more often, or in a different pattern, and they may know more about my life now, or my plans. BUT that does not mean that I care less about my "older" friends.

Stop making it about you. You can not pull out of being a BM with 3 weeks to go to a wedding. It is ridiculous.

Tetchypants · 13/06/2025 10:53

Since she hasn’t done anything wrong (other than you no longer being no1 bestie) it would be really awful for you to pull out now and makes it more about you than her. Don’t be selfish. Don’t make a drama out of nothing. Crack on and enjoy the day and see what happens afterwards.