Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

Don't make her wedding all about you. She hasn't been a bridezilla. She hasn't done anything wrong other than not give you enough attention. Don't make a show of yourself by causing drama now.

You've agreed to the committment so you should honour it.

Also, although you aren't currently close, in a long life there are periods where friendships ebb and flow. She may well come back to a closer relationship in the future. If you let her down on her wedding day, then this is far less likely.

As for having you in the wedding pictures - I got married 25 years ago. The majority of the people at my wedding and in the pictures are either dead or drifted away now. It really doesn't matter. They were there for me on the day, they cared enough on the day to celebrate my wedding and that's all that matters.

I agree with your husband.

It sounds as if the friendship has faded and you’ve drifted apart, which is sad, but it happens. If you attend the wedding, things may get back to how they were, they may stay as they are, or you may drift apart further. But there is still hope. If you pull out of the wedding then the friendship is 100% over for ever. I would always choose the option that has the most hope in it.

on the face of it YABVU to pull out at short notice because you feel like she is closer to other bridesmaids.

You say she was ‘anti’ having kids until recently. Could this be the crux of it? You had a kid, she was jealous because she didn’t think it would happen for her and went on the defensive convincing herself she didn’t want them anyway. Now she’s getting married and she is likely to start a family the reasons to distance herself from you are no longer. But in the meantime she’s made some close friendships who know the ins and outs of people’s lives.

Having bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, hair and make-up is so tacky and I wouldn't want to be her friend anymore purely based on that.

However, there's 20 days to go and it would be harsh to pull out now.

I have a similar issue with one of my bridesmaids. We were so close, I was her maid of honour. She moved and now has a new best friend who lives closer who she sees all the time. Instead of things we’d do together she does them with this person instead. I try to get a conversation going but it’s always me texting and it’s 99% ignored. We meet up mainly in a larger friendship group now maybe 3 times a year. I’m very sad about it.

Did you know her family OP? Will there be people at the wedding that it will be nice to catch up with? I agree with PP , frame it as she's asked you because you've been friends a long time. People change a lot as they get older. I'm in my 50s and talk more now to a couple of friends from school than I did for ages. After the wedding, I wouldn't close the door on this friendship but I wouldn't make a lot of effort either.

In my view it's worth playing the long game with friendships as they can ebb and flow during life.

She hasn't done anything to end the friendship, and I don't think you should either through dropping out of the wedding.

Many of my friendships have had periods of closeness and then not-so-closeness - that's life. You don't know what the future holds for this friendship.

Pulling out just now is the act of drama llama

Which is why you need to reframe.

It does not have to be a "lost friendship". It would be a lost friendship if you pulled out now.

If you attend and pull back a bit afterwards, it does not have to be a "lost friendship". It's an "old friendship that I haven't seen in a while".

Perhaps she was just simply sending you instructions? Do you know what colour dress you need to turn up in?

Rubbish. If you would feel that way, then easy peasy - you dont ask someone to be a bridesmaid and just about ignore them. That’s on you. Most people ask someone to be a bridesmaid as they want them in their wedding. The op is doing the right thing by turning up, although the bride hasn’t been particularly welcoming.

My oldest friend from uni was my bridesmaid. We talk once a month maybe and meet up less than once a year, but I'd have been so upset if she couldn't have been there. You obviously mean something to her or she wouldn't have asked x

I don't think that you were wrong to accept. You just had a difference idea of what it would be like.

It's ok to be the old friend, not the close friend. You can let yourself back off after the wedding. You may grow closer again in the future, or you may not.

Don’t mess with her day when it’s this close. She deserves that respect for old times’ sake if nothing else.
Be there for her, then just see what happens with your friendship afterwards.

Honestly, if I was the bride, I would rather you pulled out now.
I'm not saying you're in the wrong at all, but if you know the friendship isn’t going anywhere, I would rather not have you in the wedding photos. It would just be a reminder of a lost friendship to me.

Sometimes friendships ebb and flow.

If you pull out now, it will end the friendship and there probably wouldn’t be a way back.

In 5 years time there may be changes in both your lives and your friendship may evolve into something else. I have two friends who I’ve known my entire life, we were all in school together and thick as thieves. Drifted apart during university/career building years - for no reason just life.

About twenty years ago we all got back to being much closer, going out regularly, few weekends away, pub nights. Since Covid there’s been another change and we’re drifting again. Loss of parents, parents needing care, redundancy threats, jobs relocating/changing. In the Group chat one person never seems to respond, trying to find times/dates for even a coffee is ridiculously difficult, but there’s no falling out, it’s just what it is.

In a few years we’ll hopefully be healthy and retired and can pick up the day trips or weekends again. In the meantime we all know that if something happens and one of us needs anything we would rally and help each other out.

Go to the wedding, don’t overthink it as anything other than a lovely day of celebration. If after the wedding things are different it doesn’t have to mean the “end of the friendship” just that it’s changed.

I would echo several other posters that this is about your shared history.

As a bride, I invited my childhood best friend to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. We had drifted apart after university, with her moving 4-5hrs away and then she had some health problems which meant she couldn't travel so that was all on me. I saw her maybe once a year and we messaged every couple of months. Our interests also drifted apart. But all through our childhood, when we spoke or saw each other most days, we had talked about being at each others weddings so I had no hesitation in asking her. I would have respected it if she said no but was delighted she said yes.

In all honesty whilst we had been best friends once I now had friends/bridesmaids who were nearer and who knew my current likes better who helped with most of the hen do and wedding arrangements. I did try to keep her up to date with messages but the run in to the wedding was manic so I may
have missed some, and it was just easier for me to accept help from those I saw every week.

But I was so happy to have her there and she gave the impression she was too! I certainly hope she enjoyed it. I'd even invited her parents, who I also knew very well as a child of course, so they got to see her as a bridesmaid. I've framed the photo of us together at the wedding next to a childhood one of us at the beach.

That was nearly 7 years ago and I think I've seen her in person... three times? since then and one was for her Dad's funeral back in our hometown. I have kids now; she has a new and time-consuming hobby. But even though the gaps between catch-ups might get longer and longer, it's still always good to reminisce.

Just an alternative perspective maybe on the wedding and how the relationship could go with no hurt on either side?

Also, to add, sometimes for a wedding, these old friends play a slightly differnet but so important role of understanding family dynamics, being able to head of Great Uncle Henry or give mother of the bride a cuddle at an emotional moment. It's part of the length and stregnth of that friendship.

I think you should reframe this.

You don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid just because you were THEIR bridesmaid 5 years ago. It seems to me that she loves and cares for you, values your history, and wants you to be part of her big day. Yes, in the meantime, she has newer/closer friends, but this seems to be her way of trying to keep that emotion and closeness.

One of my oldest friends is someone I still love very much but we don't see or speak to each other often. I have many friends who are closer to me than her now. BUT... there's a deep seated knowledge and understanding that we have been through it ALL together, that I can, if I ever need to, speak to her in a short hand that does not exist for people who weren't there when we were growing up/goign to uni. That I can say something about my dad or my family or my feelings and she GETS it, and vice versa. If I was getting married tomorrow, I wouldn't dream of doing it withou ther at my side.

Listen to your husband.

And when in doubt in the future, think about whether you are torn between two bits of advice (DH vs DB) and think about whether you would want their lives I.e. do they make good decisions and seem happy or are you wanting to follow one more than the other (DB) because its what you want to hear and it sort of gives you permission t do your preferred option.