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Original poster

Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

190 replies

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:37

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 13/06/2025 13:34

That sounds very wise.

I try to match what I get, energy wise, plus perhaps a little extra.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/06/2025 13:30

5128gap · 13/06/2025 11:16

She's likeky asked you to be her bridesmaid in recognition of your shared history and the role you've played in her life. Just because that role has changed doesn't negate what went before and I can see how she wants you to be part of a day that marks the transition to a new phase of her life. Personally I'd see it as a nice gesture that told me how much I had mattered, and that left the door open for the possibility we may reconnect in future. By pulling out, you would be closing that door and ending your relationship on a low point.

This is very true, and beautifully put.

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 13:23

Thank you for all your comments.

I have made my decision and I’m definitely going to turn up. I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful day - lots of fun, booze and dancing.

I just wanted to clear something up… I acknowledge now that pulling out 20 days before the wedding I’ve known about for 7 months now is rude and unfair.

The thing is, I’ve spent the last 2/3 years making 90% of the effort. I’ve seen my best friend who said she’d be the best aunt to my kids not bother about their existence. Someone that was a huge part of my life, felt like I got left behind. I assumed being bridemaid things would be different. Most of our convos are about me paying for x y or z. She can ignore a catch up message but reply 2 weeks later asking for payment for make up. I was the only bridemaid who wasn’t asked to be at the dress try on, everyone knew what she was wearing before I did. I felt left out, but then paying for a hen do and events or a dress for someone who didn’t even ask how I was or what I had been up too.

She isn’t a malicious person, she hasn’t been nasty. I said yes, and I should have had a conversation a little while ago with her about my concerns. To pull out now would be unfair.

I no longer can keep getting hurt, getting no effort back. For my sake I’ve decided to step back. I will ask her how the honeymoon goes but after that I will wait for her to check in first.

I checked in a couple of weeks ago, no reply. Today it just got to me. Especially when you see her out and about with others on social media. It’s clear that the friendship is one sided.

OP posts:
lunaswand · 13/06/2025 13:22

don't not turn up & make her wedding about your drama rather than her day. Let her have her day & then ease out of the friendship if you decide that's what you would prefer

LAMPS1 · 13/06/2025 13:20

I would put a smile on for the day and try to enjoy it. It’s just a day out of your life.

If you feel it can be resolved and you actually want it resolved then have the conversation with her …some time after the wedding. She may turn to you more once she is pregnant.

If you can’t really be bothered too much about it then let it naturally fade.

Crinkle77 · 13/06/2025 13:15

I pulled out of being a bridesmaid once but it was months bethe wedding. I felt bad about it but I felt our friendship had run its course. We dont speak anymore but are civil of we bump in to each other.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/06/2025 13:14

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 10:48

Thank you. I feel quite sad that our friendship has drifted, there’s been no fall outs and it’s not either of our faults.

I try to make the effort but find myself getting nothing back. I thought her asking me to be bridemaid was the olive branch I was hoping for,

Show quote history

@Highlighter37 friendships wax and wane over a lifetime. My best friend and I were very close aged 15 to about 23. She married young and had children young. I didn't. We were out of step in life stages for a couple of decades with little common ground. It was she who phoned me though on the day ds was due.

We've stayed in touch at touch points. We are both entering retirement now and have come back closer again. We have a history and much that can remain unsaid.

I think you shoukd just get on with it. Some We get close to flit in and out, some endure. You don't know yet. Don't burn the bridge.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/06/2025 13:12

Turn up and see after. If it fizzles, it fizzles.

Backing out now would be petty. You've said you'll do it. Do what you said.

SunnySideDeepDown · 13/06/2025 13:10

I think you’ll always feel bad if you pull out now. It will stay as a chip on your shoulder.

Your husband is totally right. Turn up, enjoy the day with him and your child, say all the right things to bride, follow up a few weeks later with a “wasn’t it a fantastic day” type message and then let her take the lead on contacting you.

You’ve the done all the legwork expected and, if communication haults, at least you know you did the right thing. It also leaves the door open should your friendship resume at any stage.

I had a strange ending to a best friend situation years ago and it haunted me for years. I always felt uneasy about how it had gone down. Much better to stay mature and do things kindly imo.

Kbroughton · 13/06/2025 13:10

Hakunatomato · 13/06/2025 12:59

Late invite? - decline just donate th3 dress or wear it another time. You are not an ‘option’

? Where does the OP say it was a late invite? The only thing she said is that all the bridesmaids were asked at the same time, which suggests she wasnt a replacement. She was an original option, agreed and is now saying she doesnt want to go. It's the OP who has left it late, not the bride.

Sulking · 13/06/2025 13:10

OP do you think the distance could be something that’s happened subconsciously by both of you thinking your lives have gone in separate directions? If so it’s totally resolvable. If you two love being friends; then you both need to let go of the ‘have babies then you’ll know who you’re real friends are’ stigma. I think it really messes with people’s heads and makes them subconsciously expect to lose friends after having children and you almost make it happen because you think it will happen. So your reservation as to how close you are in comparison to her new friends is probably hindering you more and you’re feeling more pushed away.

Shitmonger · 13/06/2025 13:10

How many years ago was your wedding? This is pretty typical when someone in a friend group marries and has children much earlier than the others. They aren’t in the same place in life and don’t want to be a part of that domestic family scene yet, so the friendship drifts. A lot of times they reconnect as the others get married and start families down the line but it’s up to you if you want that.

Enjoy yourself at the wedding and then sit back and see what happens. She obviously wants you there or she wouldn’t have asked you to be a bridesmaid.

LameBorzoi · 13/06/2025 13:08

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 13/06/2025 13:02

weddings are stressful, she might warm up after? In the meantime get dressed up, enjoy the day and smile

Edited

I was thinking that. It sounds like the bride has been a bit thoughtless, but at thexsame time, managing expectations/ dynamics as the bride in this situation can be really hard.

User79853257976 · 13/06/2025 13:07

You should have said no initially but you can’t back out now. It sounds like someone else backed out and you’re the replacement. Why did you have to pay for everything? Most brides pay for the dress and hair.

WaltzingWaters · 13/06/2025 13:05

Yes I would carry on for now and either fade it out or talk to her afterwards. She’s not specifically done anything wrong so I don’t think dropping out so close would be fair, though I understand why it might feel a bit awkward being a bridesmaid when you don’t feel so close anymore.

Tetchypants · 13/06/2025 13:05

Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 12:44

because she hasn’t given me enough attention made me laugh

Show quote history

It’s true though, isn’t it? That’s exactly what you’re complaining about!

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 13/06/2025 13:02

weddings are stressful, she might warm up after? In the meantime get dressed up, enjoy the day and smile

Hakunatomato · 13/06/2025 12:59

Late invite? - decline just donate th3 dress or wear it another time. You are not an ‘option’

Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?
IndigoBluey · 13/06/2025 12:54

It does seem very close to the wedding to be only asked to be a bridesmaid very recently. Do you think one of the others dropped out? It’s too close to back out now so just get the day over with

Kbroughton · 13/06/2025 12:47

HelloCheekyCat · 13/06/2025 10:50

I think this is a bit harsh!

I think the bride is weird for asking someone to be their bridesmaid who they don't have a relationship with or seem.to care about

Show quote history

I dont think it is harsh at all. Maybe the bride is perfectly happy with the relationship, still deeply cares for her childhood friend but is happy for a more hands off relationship. The OP agreed ot be her Bridesmaid, went to all the events and didnt say anything to the bride. NOw with three weeks to go she wants to throw a spanner in the works. I am not invalidating her feelings, but the time to express them has gone. She will upset the Bride with three weeks to go and that is not a nice thing to do. Suck it up, be there on the day, try to have a nice time with your husband and deal with the friendship afterwards.

loropianalover · 13/06/2025 12:47

I’m in two minds. I see a bit of myself in your friend - letting friendships wax and wane, friendships maybe not playing a big part in her current life, only being ‘close’ with people who are right in front of her and struggling to keep up with people from her past.

I thought maybe her asking you to be bridesmaid was her extending a branch, trying to rekindle things a bit? But she doesn’t seem to want to communicate with you, even about the wedding..

It sounds like maybe she’s just the type of person who likes friendships when it suits them - maybe her closer friends now are in a similar life situation, are close geographically etc. I am lazy with friendships and understand that I can be selfish. I have a feeling she just wanted another bridesmaid to complete the ‘set’ or even things out.

I would still go - it’s too late to drop out - and let it fade out afterwards if you’re not happy with the imbalance of effort. Friendships can be life long but many are just for a season.

WastedTix · 13/06/2025 12:46

Pull out now and the friendship is over. It’s your call I guess.

OrigamiOwls · 13/06/2025 12:45

Friendships can ebb and flow.
In a few years you might rekindle things. Unless you pull out of being a BM with 3 weeks to go. That will be nuking any possibility of being close friends again.

pikkumyy77 · 13/06/2025 12:44

F

Original poster
Highlighter37 · 13/06/2025 12:44

SheridansPortSalut · 13/06/2025 12:42

Don't make her wedding all about you. She hasn't been a bridezilla. She hasn't done anything wrong other than not give you enough attention. Don't make a show of yourself by causing drama now.

Edited

because she hasn’t given me enough attention made me laugh

OP posts:
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