Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

Another one here agreeing with your husband. Turn up for her like she did for you, it's only a few weeks away. After that just let it fizzle out naturally and don't agree to anything else in the future with her. Just say I'll let you know, then make something up.

She's not being selfish or making a drama, shes noticed the bride treats her like shit and she don't really feel in the mood to go and play happy families. Perfectly normal reaction to someone making you feel unimportant in their lives but ask you to be their bridesmaid 🤦‍♀️

You've got to turn up. She asked you out of respect for your long-standing friendship, she does care about you.

Friendships do wax and wane. One of my best friends has been my best friend since I was 14, another since I was 16, and over the years we've drifted apart and back together again. In fact, our whole school friend group is in the process of an unplanned, organic getting-back-together. I think it's because half of us are now divorced/separated and you remember who your real mates are when you're single!

My point is: I think it's a bit harsh saying you're going to 'fizzle out' a whole friendship just because you're not as close as you once were. Why not stay friends and just enjoy it for what it is?

I think it would be horrid to pull out now and really spoil the day fofvthe bride. I ghink you’re being selfish tbh and needy. Give yourself a shake, feel flattered and grateful she asked you - THAT in itself is a sign she wants you in her life still.

I don't think you are needy probably confused and definitely hurt but not needy !
I've been "dumped" by a friend it doesn't feel great yes.I.am an adult etc etc but I have feelings.

@Highlighter37 you are clearly a kind, considerate person and I can see why being a bridesmaid in these circumstances feels off/icky/odd.

I think you have a good plan. It really doesn't sound like there's a friendship. To leave you out but invite all the other bridesmaids to a dress event is very telling. I do wonder if she resents that she asked you? Maybe she felt she had to or her mother said she had to b/c you had her as yours. You'll likely never know.

Friendships do ebb and flow. Like most relationships things are rarely 50/50 all the time, but they can't be fully one sided, there has to be give and take and a shared interest in each other's well-being. Shared history can only take a friendship so far, there has to be more to continue to sustain it. It sounds like she can't/won't give more and that's why it's fizzling out.

I'd be thankful for the good times you had and simply, gently move on. No drama, no falling out. No immense sadness. Most things can teach us something and give us some good memories. In this situation I'd say you need to make the past be enough - take the good from what the friendship brought in that season of your life and wish her well. You will likely never understand why she backed away but you can accept that you don't need to and that you are okay.

Enjoy the wedding!

I think it is needy, but I also think that you and the bride clearly have different interpretations of the meaning of asking someone to be a bridesmaid.

You say you accepted because you thought it was an ‘olive branch’ — but an olive branch is a declaration of peace/goodwill after a breach, and by your own account, neither of you did anything wrong, the friendship just drifted.

You thought it was a signal of intent to renew a former closeness, whereas I agree with @5128gap that it was a nice reciprocal gesture to pay tribute to a role you’d played in her life, even if that role has changed.

But you also seem to be getting aggrieved, as though you are doing her a favour by being her bridesmaid, attending her hen etc, because she has not played her part as you imagined by ‘making an effort’. But asking you to be her bridesmaid was her ‘effort’. She presumably sees it as a tribute to you, not something she foisted on you. I suppose it comes down to whether you see being a bridesmaid as a compliment, or, as you seem to, an expensive chore you view as part of you making 90% of the effort.

I'd try speaking to her first and see if she still wants you to be a bridesmaid as she never answers your messages about the wedding planning. In the nicest possible way she might be hoping you pull out. I'd rather have a bridesmaid pull out at this stage than be on the photos and then phase out the friendship. Especially as you've paid for your own dress/make up.

I feel for you, OP. I recently had a friend of 15 years fade away from me and it's hurtful and confusing when long-term friendships change or end. We went from being in touch almost daily, to her disappearing for weeks (and sometimes months) at a time. (I posted about it here and was accused of being needy, which seems to be a common assumption for anyone whose friendship has faded.) Like you, I realized that it had gotten to the point where I was the one always reaching out, often having to reach out multiple times for one response, and that when we did talk, my friend never asked about my life or cared to hear about anymore either.

After about a year of this behavior, she sent me this really expensive Christmas gift. I was completely shocked and confused and sort of wished she hadn't. It didn't align with her behavior or the state of our friendship. I thanked her and gave her one in turn. I thought maybe this meant things would be back to normal, sort of how you imagined how things would be as a bridesmaid. But she was still distant, even more so, and within two months of Christmas, she disappeared for good.

It would stir up a lot of drama if you pulled out of the wedding now. It's one day, you've committed. Go through with the duty and then maybe drop the rope. In the end, you can at least know that you were always a good friend to her.

It's all about you you you

I wouldn't go if I were you, your feelings will be written all over your face and in your attitude.

but to save face ( yours not hers ) I wouldn't tell her in advance, I would become very very sick - unable to travel type of sick unable to go more than 2 mins away from the nearest toilet unable to feel like spreading this ' sickness ' around the wedding type sick

she doesn't need you, she does have other bridesmaids.

sell the dress on ebay or vinted etc

then just let the ' friendship ' fade

Are you in the US? British brides buy all the bridesmaids’ paraphernalia including shoes

I’m going against the grain and side with your brother: tell her now that you’re pulling out and I would be truthful about the reason. Your friendship is already very different from what it was and the closeness is no longer there. You’d feel worse on the day, knowing you’re on the outside of the in-jokes and whatnot.

Another poster may be right that someone else dropped out: she’d hardly tell you, would she? What you’ve spent is a sunk cost so I’d write it off and move on. If the dress is dyeable, dye it or have it altered to a cocktail dress

Good 🍀

I have just seen your update sorry I should have read on,

Going through it for face sake is fine you are doing a good thing, I'm sorry your friendship has dwindled like this, it really hurts but go.have a good time relay childhood stories and maybe your friendship will pick up again.

I would feel really uncomfortable about this. It seems the general consensus is that doing anything about it would make you a terrible person. I just hope you’re not made to feel like a spare part on the day after all that money and effort.

As others have said, you can't pull out now.

Whatever her reasons for asking you, you accepted. Go through the day, be happy for her, and maybe have a conversation a month or two after the wedding about your friendship.

This is might be true you have grown apart and maybe you are BM for nostalgic reasons, but why would you want to upset her on her wedding day?

Very fair decision OP. Hoping you enjoy the day anyway and wishing you all the best going forward - with or without her!

It's sad, when a friendship ends. It's nearly more difficult than a romantic breakup, as normally it's just a drift and fade rather than a big blowout.

She obviously had some nostalgia for your previously close friendship and that is why she asked you to be bridesmaid. Or, she noticed at her friend's weddings that they all had a friend from their younger days as a bridesmaid, and she thought it might look weird if she only asked more recent friends to be bridesmaids. Either way, it is done now and it is too late to pull out.

Some old friends disappear forever, some friendships wax and wane. I'd text her the day after the wedding and wish her well on her honeymoon, and leave it at that. Maybe she'll make more of an effort to keep the friendship going if you aren't throwing her the lifeline all the time. Maybe you won't hear from her for a couple of years before she tries to rekindle things. Maybe you'll never hear from her again. That's all okay. Though if she's tries to rekindle and then drops you again, I'd be wary about meeting up again after that. You can't be wasting your precious time meeting with someone who only lets you into their life on occasion.