Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

She asked you to be bridesmaid but you have to pay for your dress, make up and hair. She’s having a laugh or as tight as a duck’s ar*e.

I agree with your husband too. Don’t let her down, you’re still friends just not as close and that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to let a friend down regardless of how close we are.

She is being rude and selective about what she says and does with you in regards to the wedding. I would be pissed off too. It's a lot of money she needs to show some respect and not ignore you. Why should you tolerate that she didn't hold a gun to your head you still have a choice.

But she presumably thinks that asking you to be a bridesmaid was a reciprocal gesture, as you’d asked her, and that this, in itself, constituted an ‘effort’, and quite a big gesture, given that you’re no longer close.

She’s not to know that you saw it as an implicit invitation back to your former closeness, and are desperately disappointed she’s not magically reverted to being your close friend, because you think she now owes you more effort..

I mean, it’s likely she thinks she did you a favour by asking, and you clearly think you’re doing her a favour by having accepted.

go and have a great time! Don’t overthink it.

Yes it would have been lovely to rekindle that old friendship and you sound like a really nice lady.

But go along anyway and dance, have a glass of bubbly, compliment her other bms and ask them for the goss about the bride, chat to the random old relatives and ask them to dance.

Be the life and soul of the party, the loveliest BM in the room, and maybe afterwards your friend will realise how much she’s missing out on!

I agree with this. In my 40s my best friend is the same woman I was closest to in my twenties - but we definitely had periods in our thirties where it was really normal to go months without talking - we had children 5 years apart and our lives were completely different for about 8 years.

I love her. She knows me better than anyone - and I’m so so glad that neither of us got offended or upset by the distance - and that we picked up where we left off when the stages of life re-aligned

@Highlighter37 i also agree with dh.

Mumsnet is batshit

It's not 'needy' to expect someone who classes you as a close enough friend to ask you as a bridesmaid to -

• have met your kids (ever)
• want to meet up
• not ignore the occasional message that you send them
• seem in general like they take some sort of interest in your life

And its not unreasonable to think that if someone hasn't been that close to you, inviting them to celebrate with you as part of the wedding party, perhaps has some sort of interest in being close again

I have a bff from pre school and I could go decades without seeing her - but I would want her as my bridesmaid.
Don't let your friend down because you are jealous she made new friends.

Honestly, I hate weddings so I'm not going to lie, I may have some bias, but I'd be pulling out. I wouldn't be making a huge effort for someone who makes no effort for me. It won't 'ruin her day' to have one less bridesmaid, but even if it did, she only has herself to blame. She needs to learn the phrase 'treat others how you wish to be treated'.

I'm probably twice your age.
Go as bridesmaid to honour your friendship.
My oldest friends are my closest ones. We barely managed to stay in touch across our child rearingyears. Now in our 50s we meet 4 times a year, and cherish our shared roots.
Do the wedding, keep in touch.

But what I don’t understand is what you think she’s done ‘wrong’. You say ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ — but what is her ‘wrong’?

You keep moaning that people make judgements about you without knowing you in real life. Hint: you asked for advice on an internet message board. BTW: just go. It’s one day.

I dont see how expecting someone to answer a text is needy! And i am one of who thinks you do need to go through with it! I also think that for whatever reason your friendship has waned and you should protect yourself from any further hurt. But two wrongs dont make a right, and pulling out now would be hurtful as you have identified.

But, respectfully, why are you making all that effort? She hasn’t expected it or invited it, she’s clearly not reciprocating it, and you’re clearly not enjoying being the ‘main carrier’. So why do it?

People complaining about one-sided friendships on here often seem to think that ‘making the effort’ is objectively a good thing in itself, for which they should be rewarded with friendship, but if the other person doesn’t want to be the recipient of that effort, there’s no point in it. It’s like a discarded boyfriend claiming ‘But I was a gentleman — I opened car doors, pulled out chairs, walked on the road side! Why did she dump me?’ But if the woman in question didn’t want any of that ‘effort’, and he knew that, it wasn’t for her he was doing it.

Its just a bit illogical to think someone owes you for doing something they’ve never asked you to do, or suggested they wanted.

I actually think it's weird and quite passive aggressive of the bride to ask someone to be bridesmaid when at the same time they're being quite distant and by the sounds of it actually a bit unfriendly towards that person. It puts OP in a difficult position; people say show up for her day like it's not much to ask, but if I was in this situation, it'd cause a bit of stress and worry - both in the lead up and on the day. Why did she do such a thing? Especially if she's since made it clear to you that she is closer to the other bridesmaids. It's like she has some idea it was expected for form's sake, but she didn't really think about the whole thing would be like from your perspective. I think it's quite selfish of her really.

Five years ago, I would have said you have to go. But the older I get the less inclined I am to put up with other people's shit. And all that expense. It doesn't seem fair at all. At the same time I think if it was me I'd just about go, especially as you've paid for the dress and makeup artist. But I would minimise any dealings with her between now and then and try to completely minimise how much I dwell on it. I wouldn't bother contacting her again unless necessary. Just get on with your own life. And on the day, once the meal etc is done I would feel free to head home (discreetly) if I was having a bad time.

Just because someone is a bride doesn't mean their well-being is automatically more important than everyone else's imo.

I think it's fair enough to leave the ball in her court. It's possible that she's just caught up in wedding drama and not really thinking about anything else, and only really talking to her immediate nearby circle about it.

I've also had friendships where I've made the majority of the effort. I had one friend who I thought was a really good mate, we'd known each other for years, given each other jobs, I went out of my way to look after her (literally as we lived at opposite ends of the country) when she split from her husband, she gave me my 'something borrowed' for my wedding. I found out she'd married again on FB when she posted photos of it. I wasn't only not invited, I wasn't even told about it. To add insult to injury, the wedding was at a posh venue only a few miles from my house! I gave up on that friendship after that. Sometimes the hurt really isn't worth it! So if that's how you feel, then I do understand.