Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

It does sound like you are envious of her other friendships. I think that could be clouding your judgement. Show up for the wedding. Not doing so would be really shitty behaviour and unforgivable. I think you want to be close again, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking this way. You may feel connected again after the wedding. If not give it a couple of weeks then tell her how you feel.
I've had periods where I haven't been as close to my friends but I've always cared about them. I think the bride probably feels the same about you and that is why you are bridesmaid.

I don’t think you sound remotely needy, ive had a very similar situation, however I think this friend doesn’t speak to me now because I have a baby, it is really shit!

She is expecting you to show up for her, but hasn't, and is still not, showing up for you. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and forking out for a friends wedding, I would at least expect the respect of getting a text back from her. Don't waste time on someone who doesn't value you.

Hey op sorry your feeling this way especially after the length of time you have been friends I agree with others go the wedding she would not have asked you if she didn’t care about you but I also agree it’s hard when you do all the running. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to leave contacting people and see who reaches out first I felt guilty at first thinking what if something had happened and I wasn’t there as a friend. Then I literally just thought fuck it I can’t keep doing this and you know what I lost most of these friends but I don’t care as I was fed up making all the effort and now I barely give them a second thought even though it hurt at first but the lack of communication hurt me more. So I hope you enjoy the wedding and like you say message her the once afterwards then leave her to it. Good luck.

You may not be as close now but it seems she values you and wants you to be there. It really would be awful to back out, just do it and enjoy the day without overthinking the friendship. Xxx

YABU and your DH is right. You said you’d do something so you should do it and not be a flake. Afterwards have a conversation and then move on either together or apart.

I suspect there's a seperate wedding chat your not apart of and she's likely paid for the girls dresses and make up. 7 bridesmaids suggests she wants a big show of how popular and amazing she is. Did she ask for payment for the dress hair and makeup separately from the rest of the girls. The fact you knew nothing about what dress says it all. One of my close friend is getting married and she's spoken to us all about what dress to go with.

Im going against the grain she wants you there for the aesthetic look for her wedding. Look how amazing and popular she is with her bridesmaids in tow. You are fronting all the costs to be part of her big day. She's excluded you and invited everyone to her wedding dress try on and openly ignores you. If she was fronting the costs would she really have you as bridesmaid the answer is no. It's not costing her anything other than 2 meals to have you there. She only speaks to you when payment is required for her big day not as a friend.After the day is done she will never speak to you again. She's a user and what's a picture perfect wedding not a friendship. 100 percent you brother is right she will ditch you. Get in their first.

But for her, asking you to be her bridesmaid is giving something back’. As another poster said, it’s a goodbye nod to the past, an honouring of what you used to mean to one another, a reciprocation of your having asked her to be your bridesmaid. You saw it as an indication she wanted to revive the friendship, but that doesn’t seem to be what she means, so you feel aggrieved.

You've said the bride hasn't done anything wrong etc, but she absolutely has by treating you the way she has, ignoring your messages etc. IMO you are justified to feel the way you do, and IMO you are doing the right thing in going. Enjoy the day for what it is, leave when it's no longer fun. The friendship may rekindle in time, let's hope so. It is sad to be in your position, and a bit shit, when a long friendship wanes lines this.

Definitely still go OP! Sometimes bridesmaids are more about history rather than new friendships. Although you’re not as close anymore, you still meant a lot to each other at different parts of your lives.

after the wedding, reach out occasionally if you want but don’t put pressure on this. It may fizzle out naturally.

if you don’t go to the wedding, it’ll be such a drama and also might be a bit mean for the bride to have this all to worry about a few weeks before her big day!

But you’re not in the same position surely? You are not being “dumped” as far as I can see? Why has this wound you up so much?

I think it’s a tough one - you’d never have been able to refuse when she asked you bcos you are on paper old best friends & it would have been v difficult to decline in the first place -so don’t berate yourself too much for that. But as you e now got a chance to see the dynamics & relationships with her other friends I’d just suck it up, smile & spend the wedding doing your “job” & then hang out more with your own DH & DC (if they’re going). This way you won’t feel the discomfort of not being fully included or on the edge of things - by all means celebrate with her & on the dance floor, but just adjust your expectations a little & make the most of the day that way. As another pp said she may be honouring you as a part of her life & as one of her oldest friends, but another way of looking at it is that she’s also just using you - as her newer friends & others will expect her to have a wider network of people in her life & unfortunately you tick that box. Don’t mean that in a hurtful way - just that the pressure of weddings & the narrative dictates people play these roles & sadly some pple are happy to cast others in them without much consideration or care for their feelings/respective relationship. Free yourself from the feeling of disappointment & enjoy it for what it is. No matter how hard.

Hi @Highlighter37 sorry your friendship has become one sided.i know how painful this can be. Do you both live in the same city/town? If one of you has moved away then you can undertrained the distance but if you’re both nearby to each other then it seems she’s moved on. I hope you get some closure.

I wouldn't be surprised if she paid for the 6 other brides maid's. You were the token 7th I doubt she'll notice if you had to back out unexpectedly.

Just make sure you're in lots of the photos.

:-)
Enjoy it as a day of your life.

Leaving just one bridesmaid out of all the wedding chat and the dress try on when everyone else attended is really bizarre!!

Does she feel some sort of weird obligation to be reciprocal since she was in your wedding party? But that still doesn’t explain just not including you in anything.

At this point I’d just show up on the day with a smile and have an stress-free time, but I would have no expectations for this friendship going forward.

Someone once said something along the lines of, ‘weddings are one of the ways we say goodbye to our old friends’.

And sometimes that’s sadly true. Often those friendships are already starting to fade as we all move into new life stages and sometimes to new places too.

Sometimes, when thinking about who to invite, we remember old school and uni friends and ex colleagues who were important in our ‘journey’. But the truth is that these are people we already rarely see. Other times friendships seem firm all the way up to weddings and then seem to drop off. The same happens when children come along.

Our lives change and paths diverge. It’s sad. But new friendships come along too. And, of course, this is usually how friendship cycles have run from nursery on.

You seem to be suggesting that your presence as a bridesmaid would be somehow lying to everyone. Your fading friendship meaning that you’re not deserving of being a bridesmaid and she’s not deserving of having you as a bridesmaid. But being a bridesmaid isn’t a statement of intent or truth. It’s just a nice thing to do.

Think of this as her way of remembering your years of friendship, even if that friendship has now changed, and as a last hurrah. A lovely way to let something go and to have one last memory of how good it once was.

100% agree with your husband. You are her bridesmaid so you must mean more than most to her. If it fizzles out after, let it.

I agree should have been some talk with you on hen party plans - That is rude
But my god 7 Bridesmaids ??? That is a lot
As soon as money was asked for i would have backed out - that is not on, if you want 7 bridesmaids you pay for it

Go to the wedding, smile have champagne - do not offer to do anything As soon as 1st dance is done, if your not enjoying it you can leave
Then i would get on with my own life
Make sure to sell the dress on vinted as soon as over

I don’t see how it can be clearer. She asked you because you used to be close, and she was your bridesmaid years ago. It’s a gesture saluting the past. It’s obvious she’s not interested, at least not now, in trying to be close again. Your lives have moved in different directions for now. She made a token gesture of appreciation.

It’s perfectly possible she thinks she’s being considerate in not expecting you to be involved in more than the minimum amount of bridesmaid ‘work’ or wedding chat, precisely because she’s aware you’re no longer close friends, and thinks you would find it a drag.

As regards paying for bridesmaid-related things, that varies so much from wedding to wedding, and on the finances of everyone involved. I’ve been a bridesmaid five times, and it’s ranged from me being flown to India, put up in a luxurious hotel for a week, and given a custom-made sari when I was a postgrad and hadn’t two pennies, to paying for my own dress, hair, tent, and pastel wellingtons for a damp woodland wedding in Leicestershire, snd pretty much everything in between. Likewise the amount of ‘work’ involved, from dress fittings and catering tasting sessions and decorating the church to just showing up on the day and holding a bouquet. I don’t think there’s a ‘rule’.

I think this is the best thing you can do. Just accept your friendship is different, enjoy the day for what it is (a favour to an old friend) and move on afterwards 🥰

I agree with your husband turn up and smile then let it wain
I have two questions though what wedding chat and plans do you expect ? There was nothing of that when i got married, the only thing the bridesmaids did was arrange the hen party, I didn't discuss with them flowers, table plan ect nothing, that was all done between me and my now husband. i didn't want any one interfering with their opinions.

Then only spending money on a dress hair and make up - unless you are in the USA, this is not normal, The bride pays for the dresses, pays for hair and make up if they want it done their way, bridesmaid only pays for shoes and underwear etc . If i was asked to pay for all of this i would have said no
I agree friendship hasn't been a two way street from what you are saying, but its too late to pull out, its only three weeks away