To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

The chances of him wanting or indeed receiving 50% custody are very slim. From the sounds of him the only reason he'd even consider going for 50% is to avoid paying maintenance so even if it happened the likelihood of him sticking to it in real life is very, very small.

You can do better than this, @Iris10000 and more importantly, your children should be able to grow up seeing you doing better than this instead of thinking this is a good or even normal way to live.

He wants to pay less % when he earns less.

So when he’s the higher earner he pays more.
no other option unless he wants a joint pot.

The sooner you divorce him, the less money you will lose to this user.

That get my vote.

Doubles the family income and puts all the domestic load on him.

It's amazing how the husbands of women on Mumsnet claim that none of the other men they know change nappies, and yet in the real world, I don't know a single man who would dare try to get out of changing their own child's nappies.

Your husband is a lazy, financially-abusive misogynist. Get rid.

I 100% agree.

If OP’s H doesn’t want to support her financially when she’s losing some of her income due to maternity and taking care of their shared child, OP shouldn’t financially support her H when she goes back to work.

=> 50:50 on all joint expenses.

Regardless of anything eise, if he thinks your reduced maternity pay doesn’t mean he should pay more temporarily then your increased salary shouldn’t mean you pay more long term either. He can’t have it both ways. Either the one receiving less money pays less or they don’t. It can’t apply to you and not him. So I think when you’re back to work you should make him increase his contributions to 50% - by his own logic! If you manage to stomache him until then that is 😂

What makes you think he’d want 50/50 when he does absolutely fuck all as it is?

Given that you earn significantly more, why can't you do shared PL, he then stays home with the child and you go back to work. That way he can't complain.

50% custody?

When your youngest is 4 months old, he doesn't pull his weight (and didn't even before you went on maternity leave and were the main breadwinner), and he thinks he's dad of the year because at least he changes the occasional nappy?

Seems unlikely to me.

You'd push for more than 50% on the grounds that you think it's best to stay in the house and be the resident parent, and for him to have the children every other weekend.

The fact that you're divorcing him because he's a useless sack of shit who doesn't pull his weight either financially or practically is likely to make a judge sympathetic to your point of view.

If he doesn't want to share "his" money, stop sharing yours and subsidising him.

Spelled out by whom? Is the assumption here that women are aware before ttc the first baby that life changes after having children but men are not, and that it is the job of childless women to explicitly educate their childless partners?

By both. She says this is going to be really, really hard and our life will be worse. He says this is going to be really, really hard and our life will be worse.

At that point they decide to go ahead or not. Most likely not since they both acknowledge it will be hard and neither of them really want to do all the graft and mental load.

100%. One day the hormonal veil lifts though and you wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Sadly you're already enslaved by that point.

Op get some more advice. Ask womens aid for their list of solicitors in your area. 50-50 for really young children ie under 2 is not recommended. And would he really want that, given how little he contributes to the DC now. If you act enthusiastic about him having 50-50 so you can use your free time to do fun stuff he would most likely back off any threats of it anyway. I’d also speak to gingerbread, the single parents charity

remember the longer you stay together the more you have to divide. Splitting when the DC are young means they don’t remember you being together and can be easier in them. Plus you deserve better.

Any savings should be joint savings, and obviously he should cover more expenses while you're on maternity leave. How can he imagine you carrying his baby is nothing to do with him financially? The whole point of marriage is that you're a unit and you support each other. I couldn't carry on with someone who thinks like that.

Quockly move any savings to an account in your sole name....asap.
Talk to Women's aid too.

You can’t have it both ways though. You’re either happy to have joint finances and it’s all family money, or you’re not.

Spelled out by whom? Is the assumption here that women are aware before ttc the first baby that life changes after having children but men are not, and that it is the job of childless women to explicitly educate their childless partners?

Is this not setting up an assumption of incompetence/ mother as mental load manager and father needs to be told what to do and follow instructions dynamic as the foundation of the relationship?

Something is wrong with that...

Yes, of course couples should talk about expectations sah/ work, costs, religion, where to live, how many kids ideally, any big unusual things like already knowing you want to homeschool or move back to where you grew up or something) before having children, but both go into ttc the first child unaware of exactly what will take them by surprise about one another, as well as about babies and children!

In all seriousness, may this kind of marriage never find me.

He needs a SERIOUS conversation about fairness and division of finances & labour. Why should mat leave be at your expense? I presume the baby is 50% his?

He would be significantly less comfortable financially if you were to leave him, so I suggest he picks his ideas up ASAP, otherwise you would be better off on your own.

This post has clear good advice.

and to reiterate (and speaking from experience) "He is a loser and they don't change."

Set out what you need from him financially and support and tell him if he doesn’t it will be over

i suspect given the fact that you sacrificed your career it probably would be 50/50 as could he earn more if needed, would he want 50/50 and remember savings are joint as well

I was married to someone very like this. The key word is WAS. He sounds useless. What IS he bringing to the table? It doesn't sound like it's money, or affection or great parenting skills, or help at home. I hope his cock is made of gold because that sounds like it could be the only thing on his side!

I am so sorry that you are married to a man like this OP. I bet it just sort of snuck up on you.

LIke others, I actually don't believe this relationship can last. I am sorry. I'm not saying LTB, but I am saying that I suspect in 5 years it will be over anyway. You'll have given up because of his uselessness or, sadly, he'll have decided that you make his life too difficult and get his head turned. I'm sorry, that's an awful thing to say to someone but i believe it 100%. s

First, you have to even out finances. It's INSANE that he won't accept that the pot is smaller when you're on maternity leave. I think the only way aroudn this is to make it clear that as you are meeting too many of the household bills you will no longer be contributing to his bills in anyway. Perhaps invoice him for food and childcare while you're on maternity leave etc. Obviously, he will refuse to pay, but perhaps it will bring clarity.

I did some research and calls about finances post divorce and my understanding is that I might be worse off as he might get a higher share of the house equity as a lower earner if he wants to have 50/50 custody. And frankly not seeing DCs half of the time would break my heart.

Do you reall yhtink he'll be having the DC 50/50 of the time? Not a chance. Especially if that means he has to pay for 50% of the childcare costs that will be necessary.

Also, the finance thing is a sunken cost fallacy. even if you DO have to give him more, the sooner the relationship ends, the sooner you have time to build up your assets and earnings again, without having to share them with him.

Do you really think he would push for 50/50?
Your babies are still young and you are clearly primary career - so I don't think 50/50 would be likely if that isn't what you wanted.

You do not need us to tell you he is being unreasonable but sometimes someone saying what things could be like can really help you to see just how unhealthy your situation is. I have seen varying degrees of financial management over the years and the couples that appear to stay together are those that have full financial transparency. (This is once there are children, I think things can be a little different before then.)

such as

joint accounts
joint savings and investments
joint debt - mortgages etc
Being able to make decisions about how to manage the future and finding ways to manage this together (like going part time / career changes)
not arguing about money
supporting purchases even if you don’t agree

being able to have difficult conversations/disagreements about the above and it not spiralling into a row.

I think these values generally show up quite early in relationships - I would reflect- was this the case. If do you have a problem and it will be a long hard road to divorce unless things change.
If it is a new trait maybe there is some underlying stressor making him behave this way. For example after our second child arrived my husband sold his family car and bought a small totally unsuitable budget type car, he was panicked about another child arriving, we sat down went through everything and it was fine.

good luck OP - you don’t have to live like that.