To expect DH to support me financially on maternity leave and increase the share of mental load

How on earth is it fair for the earner to have fixed work hours but not the non earner?

How does it double their income?

I’m also not surprised he won’t talk. Everything suits him right now, he has zero reason to compromise.

Stop meekly accepting that 'he won't talk'

Ultimatum time. Counselling or off he fucks.

Face it, he's not going to want 50/50. He can barely bring himself to do 30/70 now, it's not going to get any better when he's single. Be realistic.

If it does get to divorce, it's better to do it while the kids are young and more dependent on you. As time goes on you'll be contributing more assets to the pot which you'll be handing over to that selfish waste of space.

He’s a knob. No wonder he feels unloved, just reading that was a total turnoff for me.

Given how little he does with the kids beyond play I can’t see him going for 50:50. The longer you stick with this guy the more he’ll take you for. I would get rid now.

I don't. I'd get the domestic stuff done by mid morning and spend the afternoon with the kids on bikes or in tbe hills or camping. (Let them create a mess on someone else's field, and use someone else's showers!)

You should both be feeling the financial loss from maternity leave. This is the man you is supposed to be your partner in everything and is the father of your children. He is watching you incur the direct expenses of pregnancy like maternity clothing, letting you suffer from lost wages, and letting you deal with the lower earning capacity that each woman takes from each additional child. Yet he does not want to contribute more to the family he is creating. He isn’t just not contributing, he is stealing from you.

Why oh why are they so disengaged from their own children?

Same reason that women are disengaged from mending the lawnmower or changing the brake pads on the car. Wired up differently.

Fortunately we're not neolithic farmers any more so we can choose not to have children. Sadly we still need lawnmowers and cars. 😢

Interesting

I though a stay at home mum was responsible during the day but evenings and weekends the working dad should do half.

IMHO yes. If she's working full time and bringing in 72k+ then the housework is 100% his.

But yes, if she feels she wants to do a bit, fine. The danger is she takes over and then I suspect he'd take a back seat. So doing a bit makes it all a bit risky. He needs total ownership of the domestic stuff.

Ok op, you don’t want to leave. So what is in your power? You can: stop cooking for him or any things for him, if he can’t do bedtime then he can spend that time cooking, that’s fair. And most importantly, you won’t protect him: tell him that you will tell everyone you are burning through your savings as he refuses to contribute any more while you’re on leave. Tell him you’ll tell his family and yours so they know things are tight, you will tell all your girlfriends so you have someone to vent to as it’s blatantly unfair and nasty, and when the kids are grown they will probably have worked it out for themselves. Don’t spend a penny on him you don’t have to. Get a joint account, tell him to put in half , not 30% or he can tell his family which bills he refuses to pay for his kids and if he doesn’t you will. Go for the public shame. He wants to chat shit about the guys at work, let’s let him see what real people say when told the truth about him.

So a stay at home parent takes 100% of the domestic load?

100%?

no sharing in evenings and weekends?

Why oh why do men care so little for the women they have promised to love in sickness and in health for the rest of their lives? Why oh why are they so disengaged from their own children?
These are bigger questions for me.

Makes sense but won’t be supported on here. Time off with kids is for the mum, not the dad.

For something they really want, yes.

You are either a part or you’re not. One pot would fix this. Tell DH to get on board or maybe get out…….

I'm not going to reiterate what PPs have said.
Your husband disgusts me.
Mine was the same. We've separated. You can too.

Or at the very least before DC2.

Why oh why do women have multiple children with men who were so shit after the first child arrived? (And probably beforehand as well)

What makes you think they didn't?! You can't possibly think that men aren't capable of lying or promising the earth and then not delivering 😂

Exactly this! Why don't couples sit down BEFORE they have a baby and discuss who will do what, how they're going to fund it and what their differences are? It's bizarre and sad for the children that end up in the middle of the toxicity.

Don't be silly. It would not work out like that and you know it.

This really

@Iris10000 I would tell your NVDH that things are going to change. It doesn't matter that you make more than he does. He takes up 1/2 of the house, 1/2 of the adult food, utilities, etc., yet does not do even close to 1/2 of the home and child upkeep; so from now on, he has to contribute to 50% of the bills, not a measly 35%. He isn't happy? He can go out and get a better job or a P/T job on top of his other. Since he is not contributing to 50% of the house and childcare, he should not be allowed to keep money for himself.

If jobs, administration, childcare, etc. were 50/50, or if he did more, I can see where it would be set up 65% from you and 35% from him. But, he doesn't do that. He's "tired" in the evening. And when you work? You should be "more tired" since you bring in more money.

He is taking the piss, he has been taking the piss for a long time, and it's long past time for it to stop. If he wants to continue on his old ways, let him know that he is in danger of being made redundant.

He sounds financially controlling. Something about your posts make me suspicious that he could be earning more and lying to you. Have you seen his bank statements?

if he pulls that bullshit about his workmates ot changing a nappy I would start saying shit like well at my work, the local sports club, in our friendship group, you are the only one who does so little.

He sounds like your sugar baby TBH. I'm petty enough that that would be my nickname for him, and if he got upset over it, would be labelling him 'hormonal' and 'hysterical'. Plus asking him "well it's true isn't it, why are you being so sensitive over the truth?!"

Not a situation that you should be put in while raising children and being pregnant OP. You deserve more respect.