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Original poster

To not send my daughter back to school? Her last day

134 replies

Zaina89 · 13/06/2025 07:05

I wrote a thread on here a couple of weeks ago that my 9 year old daughter was getting bullied, some of it racial about her skin colour and body hair ( she’s half Pakistani) and other snarky mean comments which has been going on for all of the duration of year 4 and half of year 3. Been brought up to the teachers and assistant head teacher a number of times, her teacher is fully aware. My daughter has also countless time told teachers what’s been happening.

we are moving houses and my son got a place at another school and started this week, I’ve been mentally all over the place worried about my daughter but I got a call Wednesday afternoon saying they would be able to give her a space thankfully, she starts this next upcoming Monday the 16th.

i did tell my daughter to stand up to the bully before she leaves, my daughter didn’t and wouldn’t say anything bad, she just wanted peace as she used to be best friends with this girl for the start of primary that’s why she’s more upset but she stopped being friends with this girl because she was being mean to other children and then once she stopped being friends with her she turned it into her.

yesterday my daughter went up to the girl with 2 of her friends as witnesses and said “ I’m leaving tomorrow and part of it is because of you, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to you and we used to be good friends and it’s sad it has to end this way but I wish we could sort it out” my daughter said the girl was pulling sad sarcastic faces the entire time she was speaking and then laughed sarcastically in her face and walked off.

i think this has now mentally affected my daughter as she came home in tears, she was crying on the floor in my arms for over an hour asking what she’s ever done wrong, why she isn’t liked and if she’s useless.

i made the decision last night for the sake of her mental health I wouldn’t send her back in to the school as she’s starting her new one on Monday, I told her we’d spend today going to buy her new uniform and shoes and go out for lunch to make her feel better so she’s fresh minded ready for Monday.

now I’m thinking should I let her go in for her last day or call the school and tell her I won’t be bringing her back in because of her mental health due to this and that I’ve been in countless times about this bullying some of it which has been racial in the past.

what would you do? I understand full well, my daughters teacher asked her yesterday “ are you moving for the same reason as your brother or because of the other thing” she is able to ask this because she knows full well she has done nothing about it, she( the teacher) was hugging said bully at sports day last week and she comes out smiling and laughing with this girl every day at pick up. She’s clearly her favourite hence why she never tries to sort this out.

what would you do? Send her back for her last day or leave her off? She has stuff that needs picking up from school and also wants to say bye to her friends but is adamant she doesn’t want to go in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zaina89 · 13/06/2025 19:55

Hi everyone, I went in to have a meeting with the headteacher after I posted a message in the group chat, I didn’t name to child and I didn’t say anything nasty, I just put a message in the group chat “ just letting you know my daughter ( her name) is leaving today and this was supposed to be her last day, thank you to those parents and children who have made her time at “school” enjoyable and been great friends to her. Unfortunately I didn’t send her in today because she has been dealing with bullying,some of it racial in nature and my daughter broke down yesterday after an altercation where she was trying to make peace with said child, so we took the decision not to send her back today. I wish the parent ( who they know they are from this message) would atleast teach their child that there actions and words have a serious impact on others. The school are fully aware but not been of much help.

I had a lot of support for me and my daughter after posting this message and a lot of private messages from parents sending love to my dd and saying they are so sorry to hear what has happened, I posted it after I last updated about the office calling me and I wrote it in upset and anger and pressed send.

I then got an email from the headteacher who said a parent had screenshotted my message and sent it over to him, and that he js very concerned about my allegation of the school being fully aware of the situation and that they have “ no record” of anything happening with my daughter or me raising concern.

i asked for a meeting and headed into school where I broke down in tears, long story short apparently their will be a investigation into the teachers who failed to log these incidents and make the headteacher aware but the headteacher said he was “ very upset and hurt” about the message I posted in the group chat inclining that the school don’t take bullying seriously and doesn’t give them a good reputation. I was in tears all day

my son had a birthday party ( year 3) afterschool with his old friends so I dropped him off and it’s a small school and I felt them all talking and looking at me it was awful, but after today I’m not seeing anyone again and now my kids have a new start and so do i

OP posts:
BlossomOfOrange · 13/06/2025 19:33

BlossomOfOrange · 13/06/2025 19:15

Hope you both enjoyed the well deserved day together.

And great that you corrected the victim blaming teacher.

If it was me, once I was feeling calmer, I’d follow up with a formal email complaint so in black and white, highlighting the key points and impact on your daughter, the victim blaming.

I’d also make it very clear that this problem has not disappeared now that your daughter has left the school, that the school still does not have a reliable approach to responding to bullying/supporting each child’s education (or whatever words they use in their anti-bullying policy.

If you could be bothered I’d copy and paste from the school’s AB policy all the actions they did not deliver for your daughter, see if there are better actions in your new school’s and signpost that to them. You could say if you don’t wish to be contacted again and hope that the school can work to prevent similar damage for other children.

Then expect a trite, we take such matters v seriously blah blah reply. But know you’ve done your best (with the added bonus of getting underneath their skin).

And as others have said, be sure to follow the school’s formal complaints procedure to ensure your email is viewed by the right people.

BlossomOfOrange · 13/06/2025 19:15

Hope you both enjoyed the well deserved day together.

And great that you corrected the victim blaming teacher.

If it was me, once I was feeling calmer, I’d follow up with a formal email complaint so in black and white, highlighting the key points and impact on your daughter, the victim blaming.

I’d also make it very clear that this problem has not disappeared now that your daughter has left the school, that the school still does not have a reliable approach to responding to bullying/supporting each child’s education (or whatever words they use in their anti-bullying policy.

If you could be bothered I’d copy and paste from the school’s AB policy all the actions they did not deliver for your daughter, see if there are better actions in your new school’s and signpost that to them. You could say if you don’t wish to be contacted again and hope that the school can work to prevent similar damage for other children.

Then expect a trite, we take such matters v seriously blah blah reply. But know you’ve done your best (with the added bonus of getting underneath their skin).

QuickMember · 13/06/2025 16:15

Keep her home OP and my very best wishes to you and your daughter. Just from your post she comes across as a thoughtful and mature girl. She will learn to manage her appearance, body hair that we all have but she is already a master in her personality and that bully envies her for that.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/06/2025 16:03

Vaxtable · 13/06/2025 13:13

I wouldn’t send her in, but what I would do is send in a letter of complaint to the Governors and make a complaint to Ofsted

As a lot of PPs have said, Ofsted will simply refer the complaint back to the school. They only get involved with complaints that have already been through the school complaints procedure first. You can’t just go above the school’s head, Ofsted won’t listen.

Vaxtable · 13/06/2025 13:13

I wouldn’t send her in, but what I would do is send in a letter of complaint to the Governors and make a complaint to Ofsted

Growlybear83 · 13/06/2025 12:46

FoxAches · 13/06/2025 10:17

Keep her home and send a blistering letter to the Governors naming the teacher.

No matter how badly the OP’s poor daughter has been treated and how badly the school have handled this, if she wants to pursue a complaint, the OP must follow the school’s formal complaints procedure. It’s one thing copying the chair of the governing body into a complaint to the headteacher at this stage, but the governors and Ofsted won’t do anything until the correct procedure has been followed and the headteacher has completed thwir investigation.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 13/06/2025 11:36

Complain to the governors and ofsted and mention that the receptionist also blamed your dd for not speaking up. Mention the receptionist by name and advise them that she needs to fo for EDI and anti racist training.

Racism isn't just being unkind, it is a pervasive infection of a person's character & has widespread implications. It's mire than being unkind, people live in terror of racism and often fear for their lives.

Notonthestairs · 13/06/2025 10:51

I agree it’s a good time to move. She’ll get to be involved in Moving Up Day so she’ll meet her teacher for September and see her new classroom alongside her new classmates.
It’s a lot to take in but it should settle any nerves before the new academic year.

OxfordInkling · 13/06/2025 10:44

This is a perfect time to start at the new school. Tell her she doesn’t need to worry about any work, but it’s an opportunity to see the school, get used to how lunchtime works, find her way around, and meet people so it’s not all new in September. She should get the summer enjoyment and it’ll make it less scary next year.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 13/06/2025 10:41

Wakeywakey678 · 13/06/2025 07:09

I accidentally clicked yabu, but I meant yanbu! Have a great well-being day with her ❤️

You can change it.

Fitasafiddle1 · 13/06/2025 10:37

I would probably post the letter to Ofsted on the school WhatsApp, as a minimum it alerts parents to the issues, and I am sure most will sit down with their dc and talk this through with them, covering the gravity of racism and bullying. I would be horrified if a child had to leave our school in similar circumstances, so yes the parents need to know (and to check their own dc are safe too, not every child confides in their parents sadly)

lanthanum · 13/06/2025 10:37

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 07:14

I wouldn’t have her start at the new school until September if that was an option op. Very tricky time of year to start with only 4 weeks remaining of school.

I'm not at all convinced by this. A new kid in the class mid-year is a bit of a novelty, and other kids tend to be more welcoming and try to include them. In September, everything is new, they're excited about seeing friends they might not have seen over the summer, and welcoming the new kid is less on their mind.
On the academic side, things are a bit more relaxed at this point. The teachers will have a little bit of time to suss out where she fits, and hopefully then she will be in the right literacy/maths groups from the start in September.
Yes, she'll probably work on paper or doing everything in the same book, as it's not worth giving her lots of books at this point. Yes, there will be topics that they are partway through. However those are fairly minor things.

Fitasafiddle1 · 13/06/2025 10:33

Oh op I am so sorry your lovely girl has suffered like this, in 2025 is SHOCKING. The bullies should have been suspended and then expelled, much more could and should have been done!

Firstly, your dds welfare. It’s imperative she knows the issue is with the bullies NOT her. They have probably had awful childhoods and reasons for their disgusting behaviour, but it is not your DD’s fault. The fault lies with them, and one day they might come to regret their actions.

Organise some counselling for her - you can do this via the GP. It will make the world of difference to her in the long term if she deals with the emotional impact on her.

Help her see that her skin is beautiful and she is beautiful. Bullying takes a terrible toll on self esteem. Work to improve this with her over the summer. Spending time noticing her qualities and her specialness. Spending time with people that love her.

Organise a really fun leaving party for her - celebrate her strength and endurance and the new chapter ahead. A new opportunity to enjoy new friends.

Report that damn school to the governors, Ofsted. They have let your family down, and I am so sorry you have had to deal with this for so long - your poor dd 💐

Genevieva · 13/06/2025 10:17

How wonderful that a school place came up so quickly! Of course you need today to sort out uniform etc for her new school, so should couldn’t possibly go in. I hope she has a fabulous fresh start and makes some friendships that you can foster over the summer holidays. One day the bully will look back in shame. The school should have prevented it from getting this bad, but you have a definitive solution. Time to look forward.

FoxAches · 13/06/2025 10:17

Keep her home and send a blistering letter to the Governors naming the teacher.

WhyWouldAnyone · 13/06/2025 10:12

Your poor girl, she sounds so lovely.

I hope she stayed home today. I'd absolutely keep her off in your position and I'd also tell the school exactly why she's missing her last day.

Contrary to PP, I think this could be a good time to start a new school. Things wind down this half term, it'll ease her in and hopefully there will be some fun things on the agenda. Hopefully she won't feel so new on September.

You have to wonder why are some children are so bloody horrible. What can have happened in their short lives to make them so cruel?

champagneplanet · 13/06/2025 10:09

welshweasel · 13/06/2025 07:16

I’d keep her home. I would also write a letter to the Head and to the governors (with input from your daughter if she can manage that) to explain the effect this has had on her and your disappointment and upset that school have effectively condoned bullying and racist behaviour.

This is exactly what i’d do. It won’t make a difference to your daughter but might help another child who is suffering because of the bully. Also the teacher needs to know she has failed to rectify the situation.

Spanglemum02 · 13/06/2025 10:07

I would post the WhatsApp with or without the name and I would make a formal complaint that they did not take racial bullying seriously. If you look on the schools website you should see the complaints procedure.
The school could do with some anti racist work.

TicTac80 · 13/06/2025 10:04

I'm so glad that you're not sending your DD into school today. Good for you!! I say that as someone who would normally send their DC into school, come hell or high water. The school completely failed your poor DD. I hope you guys have a lovely day together and that your lovely DD doesn't continue to blame herself or think that she has done anything wrong. I'd report this to governors and OFSTED, and I'd be very tempted to put a message in the group WhatsApp.

Greenfitflop · 13/06/2025 10:02

Absolutely send in a report to Ofsted reporting the racial bullying and abuse of your child and the schools lack of care.

Email the school too.
Absolutely send a direct message to the mother telling her about her daughter and that you have reported it to Ofsted.

Screen shot your message to the mother and email and put it up on the group WhatsApp.

Let people make of it what they will.

Years ago a parent circulated a stinker email to my daughters school and it was the talk of the place. Principal was furious but she finally took action.

Growlybear83 · 13/06/2025 09:50

I think I would probably post on the WhatsApp group if it was me, but I would name the child, otherwise there seems little point in saying anything. It would also alert other parents that this child is a racist bully.

BeesAndCrumpets · 13/06/2025 09:46

Zaina89 · 13/06/2025 08:33

I have been considering posting a message on the year 4 WhatsApp group chat where I know this parent is also a member off , not naming any names but explaining to the other parents that my daughter won’t be coming back to school and thank you to all the children that were kind to her but that she’s been suffering with bullying for the past year etc and some of it has been racial and I wish the parent of this child would explain to their child how their actions and words seriously affect others and then leave the group chat.

Show quote history

YES to this. Also - report to Ofsted/Governors and anyone you can. This has been badly dealt with and the response from the school today is absolutely abysmal.

Your poor DD, and you - it is heartbreaking, I know, but if she always knows she can come to you and that you'll fight for her, she'll be okay (my bullied dd is now 19 and fierce and resilient AF)

BigDeepBreaths · 13/06/2025 09:44

Your DD is the priority in these next days and I wouldnt create drama for yourself by bringing this up in the whatsapp. But once she is settled and you are all feeling less emotional, I would write to the schools governors and explain what happened, that some of the bullying was racially motivated, what steps you and your DD took to resolve them and how the teachers/school staff failure to act has contributed to you leaving.

Inform them that the schools anti-bullying policy is ineffective. Keep it factual, no accusations, but that you dont want the bully to move on to another child. And then move on knowing you did what you could to try and make a positive change.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/06/2025 09:41

@Zaina89 maybe the police would like to take a trip to the school about bullying and especially the racists side of things.