Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

133 replies

Brokenbeyondrepair1 · 12/06/2025 15:35

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

OP posts:
semideponent · 12/06/2025 15:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Brokenbeyondrepair1 · 12/06/2025 15:58

Ok, so we were "forced"...advised to attend my social services. I discussed the relationship with a professional for some advice. It was not meant to go further. This professional made a safeguarding referral to social services due to children in the household.

I'm so emotionally exhausted that I probably come across calm. Although the shaking and crying suggests otherwise. He's quite dominating and so he goes on and on and it's hard to defend myself as I can't interrupt.

OP posts:
Decafcoff · 12/06/2025 15:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Orangemintcream · 12/06/2025 15:57

You need to stop worrying about the therapy and make plans to leave instead.

Speak to women’s aid.

Original poster
Brokenbeyondrepair1 · 12/06/2025 15:54

VirtuousGathering · 12/06/2025 15:43

Not a couples therapist, but one of my close friends is, and trains other couples therapists, so I hear a lot about best practice, ethics etc. Contact your therapist separately, and say what you've said here. No reputable therapist would take on a couple with an abusive dynamic, so either you've been very unlucky with your therapist, or the initial assessment where the therapist should have talked to you both separately failed in its task, to weed out abusive situations.

So a lot of couples therapists won't speak to each party separately. However when I booked her, I asked if she had experience in abuse and she offered me a telephone call, as long I told my partner I had spoken with her. So I did explain everything.
She does work with abuse. However, I don't know where the line is drawn and a therapist will say "I can't work with you".
She told me she was happy to see us but if he does have the traits I had discussed then he wasn't likely to engage properly.

He effectively says he has 50% responsibility just because if he wasn't in the relationship then we wouldn't have issues. Yet he has spent the whole session ranting about me, my childhood, how horrible I am. He lies, so ultimately what is the point.
He pushed me once and says that I raised both of my fists to him first. Its a complete lie and never happened. I find it challenging to have someone who has absolutely destroyed me implying that I'm some psychopath (another thing I'm called).

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 12/06/2025 15:53

Yes, I also wonder how you were "forced" into therapy. It feels relevant.

The reality is that you need to leave. And you need support to do that. You don't want to seek individual therapy, so what do you need to help you to leave?

In the session, my only advice (based on instinct not experience) is that you should listen to whatever accusations he throws at you and then respond with a standard line, "But that's simply not true. I did not do x, y or z" or "I feel I am being attacked, repeatedly, in these sessions. THERAPIST, can you suggest a way to stop this being him attacing me constantly?"

Decafcoff · 12/06/2025 15:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

VirtuousGathering · 12/06/2025 15:43

Not a couples therapist, but one of my close friends is, and trains other couples therapists, so I hear a lot about best practice, ethics etc. Contact your therapist separately, and say what you've said here. No reputable therapist would take on a couple with an abusive dynamic, so either you've been very unlucky with your therapist, or the initial assessment where the therapist should have talked to you both separately failed in its task, to weed out abusive situations.

Swipe left for the next trending thread