Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

The issue is also that OP at some point wants this man to change. She wants him to have a lightbulb moment where he decides to change.
It should be no surprise he’s nasty about you in sessions.
It is almost as if you are basing your own opinion of yourself on his opinion of you. He’s not a normal human being, he’s clearly a narcissist so expecting him to have normal human emotions is getting you nowhere.

This is all kinds of fucked up

Not you op
Just the situation social services have put you in.
Have you any chance or way to leave and get yourself and your kids away from him .
Plenty of people on Mumsnet will help support with that if you feel strong enough

You can't interrupt in the sessions or at home?

Therapy with abusers is dangerous. I've sent you a PM.

I’m a licensed trauma therapist in the US with 20+ years of experience and would NEVER work with any couple where domestic violence is an issue. Generally speaking, it’s not recommended for the very reasons listed in your post…the “therapy” just becomes another weapon for the abuser. If your couple’s therapist knows about the abuse I would highly question their ethics.

A good place to look for actual help is any resource, private or government sponsored, that specifically serves victims of domestic violence. Is there anything like that near you?

This.

Assuming ss are involved as they have concerns about your relationship and the impact it's having on your dc.

You either accept that if you want to stay in the relationship you must engage with the therapy (bat shit idea if there is abuse, why the fuck would you want to stay?) OR you leave the relationship.

Your children are at risk here. It's not about therapy it's about protecting your kids.

This is correct. The therapist is absolutely wrong to have accepted you both into the therapy. It is high risk (to you) contraindicated and unethical (of her).

Don’t bother about reporting her—that is not the issue. Tell social services and the therapist that you know you don’t believe you actually KNOW the marital relationship is abusive and demand support.

You have been gaslit by dh, social services, and the therapist long enough. I know how hard it is for you to believe yourself so get some support. Call women’s support services. Read Why Does He Do That to help diagnose the kind if abuser he is, snd stop letting him use therapy to further the abuse.

I agree with another comment - social services are viewing your relationship as toxic rather than abusive. Therapists aren't supposed to take on clients where there's abuse involved, so she's not a good therapist. Unfortunately, your partner isn't going to admit to abusing you, all he's going to do is blame you entirely for the state of your relationship. Anything you say in front of him will be used against you by him. You need to seek proper support from a DV organisation, so you can leave. You must leave in order to protect your children. Therapy on your own will help you but joint therapy hasn't a hope in hell of working. All you're doing is giving him more and more ammunition to use against you at a later date.

You've only been forced into therapy, because you won't leave. Why aren't you leaving? Why haven't you asked SS for support to leave? You could lose your children, why are you playing games?

Grey rock is the way to go. Don't argue with him it's a complete waste of time, just "Yes dear."

It sounds like you need to contact SS and the therapist to get support to leave.

No hope if you say you don’t want to leave. People can try to help and lead a horse to water but they can’t make it drink.

You’ve been given advice, told where to go and what to do but you don’t want to. Women’s aid would have been a good starting point but that’s not the advice you want so you’ll be stuck in the same situation

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

Honestly there’s not much anyone can do to help you while this is the case.

Social work can’t force you to go to therapy, they can strongly suggest it, they can protect your child if you won’t, but they can’t force you into therapy.

Trying to deal with this man is like negotiating with a monkey with a machine gun - it’s a waste of time.
It is waste of time having therapy with him.
It is a waste of time getting upset about what he says in sessions.
What you probably yearn for is for the therapist to recognise he is lying and to
acknowledge this, so you feel assured that you are being abused.
Again, this isn’t what you need. It is more what you want.
What you need is to leave. Get help in individual therapy and leave him.
If you don’t want to leave him you will repeat this cycle, you can go to every therapist the BACP has to offer, and nothing will change.
Things will only improve when you leave.
(I am not without empathy, I just wish you could know you are putting yourself through this and it won’t help!)

You need to stop engaging as he's getting off on destroying you. Just nod along and don't listen to him.

I don't really know what a therapist can do?
You've recognised there is abuse, you've said you need to leave, you've said you don't want to.
Talking about it in therapy, especially when you've said you can't actually say anything, isn't going to get you anywhere.
Are you in a position to leave? If not, how can you get yourself into that position?

Contact women's aid. SS seems tot hink this is toxic, rather than abusive.

Take control in the sessions - either refuse to go, or as a PP has suggested, zone out. Mostly, I'd be considering this is NOT a good therapist. Even if she doesn't see abuse, she should be aiming to facilitate discusison. that's certainly not happening right now.

If you told the therapist you are the victim of abuse within a relationship and she agreed to take you both on as clients then she is not a good therapist, and has most likely breached her ethical guidelines. Therapists are not meant to take on work with couples where there is an abusive dynamic.

It's a given that you never enter therapy with an abuser because they do exactly what yours is doing. I'm not surprised the therapist hasn't spotted the abuse, few are trained in DV.

You're your own worst enemy because you want to stay while he destroys your mental health and further erodes your self esteem. Read up on trauma bonds and contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.