Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

You're his scapegoat OP, it's what narcissists do. You are to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and he is the victim. Narcissists are completely delusional and believe their own lies. Having therapy with a narcissist is always going to be a disaster as they are very convincing liars, it comes more naturally than telling the truth.

If you can't leave right now then maybe a start for you would be to go for the individual therapy. You can tell your OH that you've realised you need to fix yourself and let him think he's right about you all along - but what you're really going to fix is your self esteem so you can leave.

you do need therapy, therapy for your self esteem, therapy to find the strength to leave, therapy to build a new different life co-parenting.
not therapy with him.
and yes he will use the "you need therapy" card against you. but best to grey rock/ignore.
you will learn how to do that.

good luck going forward.

I’m sorry OP, but you know what you need to do.

You need to leave the relationship.

I hope you find the strength, courage and confidence to get yourself out of there soon ❤

My Mum stayed with a man just like your DH. I begged her leave for years, as a teenager I looked into housing for us the lot, I was 15 and trying harder to protect my siblings than she was. She never left, my childhood and teenage years and those of my siblings were destroyed. My Mum ultimately left just before my wedding when I was in my mid 20’s and so my wedding was ruined too.

Rightly or wrongly I blame my Mum
as much if not more than my dad for our childhood. He was incapable of protecting us and had no interest in providing a secure childhood, just ensuring my Mum stayed with him and was controlled by him. She had capacity and understanding of how wrong it all was and did NOTHING to protect us and unfairly the fact was she was the only one who could. None of her children have the relationship with her we should do as she didn’t choose us when we were kids she chose appeasing him. It goes without saying we have an even more limited relationship
with my Dad.

If you can’t leave for you leave for your DC and give them their childhood back, this upbringing will negatively impact them for life however much you think you’re protecting them.

It’s probably the only decent thing he’s said to you, you DO need therapy, alone, to understand why you feel so undeserving of being treated like a human being.

Start by going yourself, that has to be your first step to leaving this man.

You should be making it clear that you are the victim of abuse. No therapist worth their salt would advocate couples therapy where abuse is concerned.

I am one of your children, some 30+ years later. My mother stayed in the marriage until I was 17. It destroyed my health and my mental wellbeing.

I understand more than most that leaving a man like this is incredibly difficult, partly because they make it feel so impossible. But it's not. The belief that it is is a false idea. It's untrue. He has put that idea in your head. It is a lie. When you say it, it's him talking, not you.

You said you don't want him to leave. I assume he threatens to and you panic and beg him not to. Don't worry. He's got no intention of going anywhere. Who would he bully if he did? Start keeping a record of his behaviour. The things he says, the things he does. If you can film without him knowing, do that. When you're ready, the police may be interested. Coercive control is a crime. What is happening in your house is illegal.

Please phone women's aid and ask them for help. You aren't ready to leave right now. That's OK. But it's time to start moving towards being ready. It is doable. YOU can do it. Baby steps.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been in a similar position. My ex had a psychotic break and the only way I could get him in front of a therapist was to book couples therapy.

He then twisted the therapy to attack me and the therapist enabled him. It was horrific.
Couples therapy with an abuser just doesn't work. They weaponise it and then twist it to suit themselves.

He'd repeatadly tell me I had no one but him, that I was a bad person, that everyone thought I was broken and I started to believe him.

You need to make plans to leave. I started writing a diary in a word doc. Just simple breakdown of each day. Then once I left I could look back at it and see how horrific things were. I could also use it for a restraining order against him as I had facts, dates etc.

I also recorded voice notes on my phone whenever he'd verbally abuse me in the house.

Make sure to change all your passwords etc.

It took a good while for the fog to lift, I was so emotionally drained and broken. But I couldnt stay on and keep exposing my son to it all.

I felt so let down by the couples counsellor. I was clearly an abused woman and she just enabled him and gave him more amo and therapy terms to continue his manipulation.

This is not the issue. You do not need her to validate your experience. You have to fight for yourself and fight to be heard. So do that.

Call women's aid. This will not get better. That's it, sorry. No amount of sympathising is going to help. It sucks. It's unfair . If you're too tired to do it for yourself consider another 10, 15, 20 years of this on your children.

This sounds so difficult and conflicting for you OP. I get a sense of the turmoil you are feeling.
Change is scary- sometimes it is easier to stay in the situation we are in rather than face the reality of it. I hear pre contemplation of change in your messages, if only you could muster the belief in yourself that you could do it, and you could survive this. i also hear your talk of trying to move forwards, which makes me thing somewhere within you there is some hope for the future- for you and your kids.
What options do you have?
if nothing changes, what’s your biggest fear?

Someone was so concerned about the impact of your relationship on your children that they made a safeguarding referral. Most professionals really don't do that lightly.

Have you posted about this before @Brokenbeyondrepair1? I remember a similar thread.

If you told social services you are in an abusive relationship which you want to leave and ask for help in doing so then the advice would/should not be to have couples therapy.

if it is, then you need to raise this as a significant concern.

Your children are growing up in a terrible environment, OP, and I'm wondering if you had a similar example of a dysfunctional relationship when you were growing up? You need some help to disengage from this man but it's clearly not going to be easy, and you're going to have to be really courageous. Your kids depend on you to keep them safe and to provide a healthy environment. What might be a first step towards getting your strength back?

You’ve had some good advice here but ultimately, until you come to the realisation on your own that you need to leave immediately, nobody can help
you. You know you need to get out. And you need to do it before something very sinister happens.

What makes you want to stay in the relationship, OP? How old are your kids?

Put the issues about therapy to one side for a moment, what is it about him leaving or you leaving that frightens you?

Social services told you to go to couple counselling because of the domestic abuse? If this is true, you need to put in a complaint immediately, because that's a horrible recommendation.
This therapist is absolutely appalling to continue with the sessions knowing you are being abused.
Please stop going. You say you don't want to leave and have therapy on your own - why not?

What support do you need?

Therapist here. She should absolutely not be working with a couple where there is abuse. At best it doesn't work and at worst it can be weaponized against you and cause harm. Please call a women's shelter or woman's aid. If children are involved this situation is serious. There are many good books on this topic and also youTube will have resources. Please get out, nobody deserves this!