Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

High qualifications don’t guarantee being decent at what you do.

Speak with Women’s Aid and domestic abuse charities. You have been let down here by social services and your couples therapist. You need to get out now.

I just wanted to add that you don't need validation from anyone, I know it feels as though you do (I have been there too) but you don't. You want to be seen and believed and have someone on your side (which would also make it easier to leave.)
You are unhappy with him, you do not need any other reason to leave. Don't make it about who is right and who is wrong. You won't EVER get him to admit he is wrong and it ultimately doesn't matter.
He has worn you down so much that you feel that you couldn't cope or live without him. This is not true, it will be so much easier without him, I promise you. Leave him because you are unhappy

Please stop going OP. Try to talk to the therapist individually to explain. It sounds like she is getting it though. But more than that, find a local DA agency which has counselling. They may be able to help you understand why you feel so stuck and help you get out. I am concerned by the level of helplessness you are presenting here - its understandable, but its keeping you around your abuser.

Why is that?

Individual therapy seems the best next move here. You aren't ready to leave, your couples therapist has suggested this, and your "d"p might support. You have to do something.

Hey,

It sounds like you've low mood, and you've said your self esteem is at the floor. Thing is, all of us fall for the lure of the familiar. Our brains feel safer with certainty over uncertainty even when the certainty is horrible.

You're fixated on understanding "why" you don't want to leave, and whether anyone else sees who he is. But "why" doesn't matter if you know its right. And SS know this isn't good If either child is a DD you are showing her what love looks like, how she can expect a man who loves her to behaved. And if she grows up and makes similar choices you'll be devastated.

It's understandable you're exhausted and gaslit and desperate to hold on to the comfort of the familiar. But this isn't about why you don't want to leave just the acceptance that you have to.

You have a job so you have space from him where you can plan (how to create a go back, where to hide money, how to sneak out important paperwork, tell people you trust) women's aid could help.

Best of luck

You see I'm struggling now and assuming she doesn't see it or thinks I'm not telling the truth. Despite the fact he's dominating in sessions and says things that make no sense! Maybe she thinks what he says is true.

Or maybe she is now seeing it and this is why she suggested individual therapy? You seem very focused on the therapist getting it wrong, but seem to feel you are helpless. That is understandable with what is going on, but you are not helpless - you have ways to deal with this. Dont go. Speak to the therapist privately and tell her you believe the relationship is abusive. Contact a DA agency (there are many which are not WA).

I’m having a problem here OP because you clearly have insight, you’re intelligent and you know for a fact going to therapy with him is harmful, yet here you are going round in circles. You know he’s a bastard and he’s NEVER going to change. I have a feeling this thread will run on for pages with nothing being done. Sorry if I sound harsh but if you can’t do it for yourself you will have to do it for your children. You’re making a choice to stay with him when actually, I do believe you have the strength to leave.

About a dozen people have told you to contact Women’s Aid and you’ve ignored that bit. Why is that, OP?

As a therapist, it can be hard to really grasp the dynamics of a relationship (Toxic does not always equal abuse). So it is possible that this therapist is highly skilled, trained and regulated but finding her way through what is being presented (and actually managing to challenge your partner).

I hate when SS suggest people go to therapy - therapy requires motivation, energy and insight, and many people come in just to tick a box.

You are clear there is abuse. Lots of people here are validating this and your experience. You are also clear that you lack the confidence or energy to leave - that is understandable, but staying where you are will just drain you further and damage your children.

You would be best going to a DA agency which has its own counselling - many of them do. I hope they can help you to identify ways forward for yourself outside of this horrible relationship.

Hi op, in therapy we would never work with a couple where there is abuse or a power imbalance as the abuse tends to play out in the room and is very damaging. I'm surprised the therapist isn't getting into this tbh. This must be awful for you.
I think you need to be careful in the sessions and make a move towards leaving when you can

OP have you considered doing the Freedom Programme?

It’s pointless having couples therapy with your abuser. I too was one of your kids many years ago. It was awful. Affected how I saw myself and the sort of relationships I felt I deserved. You need to make a plan to get out of this situation. Can you talk to someone like women’s aid about the abuse?

@Thischarmlessgirl is exactly right about the process that should have happened. No reputable couples therapist with the right trainings would be doing this work.
I'm so sorry.
It's not your responsibility but ideally they need reporting to their registered body. Many individually trained couples therapists do a 4 day course on couples and think they've got it covered. This is simply not adequate.
For those that might read this thread later you need someone who has been trained by Relate or who is registered with the Association of Family Therapists (AFT).
Please do try and contact the domestic abuse charities to support and be open and detailed with the social work team.

Rigorous assessment and individual sessions before commencing the couples work. Any hint of domestic abuse is explored and signposted for individual work and bridging to safety for the more vulnerable partner. If it comes up during the course of the therapy then it should be managed, the couples therapy ended and a referral supported. It’s a safeguarding issue especially with children at home. Unfortunately it’s a unregulated profession and inexperienced counsellors or those without formal training in couples work and domestic abuse can be dangerous through incompetence,

I’m a couples therapist - domestic abuse is a contra-indication for couples work, safety is paramount before therapy.
Please speak to Women’s Aid or suchlike. The couples therapy should end and your couples therapist could help you to has access to a bridging to safety referral.