Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

I'm finding it really hard to understand how you can say that that you know your children - your actual children who are dependent on you for safety and wellbeing - would be better off if you end this relationship, and yet every day you choose to stay.

You seem to be waiting for someone rescue you - your husband by changing and finally loving you, or this therapist to wave a magic wand. It's not going to happen, OP.

You're an adult, not a child. It's time for you to rescue yourself, and your children.

You’re ruminating on entirely the wrong thing. Couples counselling is not going to make anything any better, the only thing that will- is leaving. Stop worrying about how and why you feel what you feel and get on with it! The only person who can make it happen is you, it’s in your control and in your power.

If you can’t do it for you, then do it for your poor kids! Come on op, I know you can do it.

Ok, look, this is ridiculous. You have already done the freedom program. You know absolutely and you knew going in—that therapy was not permitted for a couple where there was abuse. what was your goal in going to therapy at all—what did you think should happen? Did you secretly hope the therapist would take your side? Act as judge and jury?

You keep harping in the therapists success or failure in holding him accountable or speaking back or catching him out-that is not what therapy does. Its not what therapy is for.

Work on getting out instead of involving more people in the relationship. No one is responsible for you snd your health and happiness but you this is a lonely but true fact. Another true fact which PP have explained to you is that from the children’s point of view “once or twice you are a victim but after that you are a volunteer.”

Stop waiting for her to discover your voice . If you want a woman to defend you and represent your interests hire a shit hot lawyer and take him to court for money. That will be much more satisfying.

I believe OP has all the knowledge already and I truly believe has the strength to leave. I did that, read stuff, stuff I already knew, putting off the ACTION.

ACTION speaks louder than words.

As someone who was a child in this situation, you need to stop thinking about whys and thinking of what you are going to do to improve this situation for your children. Shift your focus there and maybe you can save your future relationship with your kids.

OP sorry I don't have time to RTFT but don't want to read and run. My mother went through similar as you (was hellish), and over the last couple of years I've had my own run-ins with couple therapists.

I've come to think that 'therapyland' is a very strange place inhabited by people whose job it is to help couples communicate better, but who believe that the fact that one in three women will experience abuse in a relationship (Europe-wide average according to a recent large-scale study) over their romantic lifetime is irrelevant to this task. Really, it's a study in structural sexism.

They presuppose what would be the ideal result of therapy, i.e. a situation where the balance of power between both halves of a couple is even, notwithstanding the fact that acres of statistics show that women remain way more vulnerable, especially after the arrival of children. They are way more likely to suffer setbacks in health and career and (see above) way, way more vulnerable to abuse.

And then somehow the person who reports problems becomes the problem. Shooting the messenger appears to be part of the method. The systematic assumption that 'there are faults on both sides' and that the therapist has to be 'fair' hobbles them from ever fully acknowledging that sometimes, one person is the perpetrator and the other the victim in a relationship. Even though that is one of the most basic facts about relationships.

I think you can't do much more than try to protect yourself by minimising involvement. Grey rock, offer as little suface for attack as you can. If you fight, you're merely 'hysteric'. Stay very calm, take deep breaths, push back against factual inaccuracies, but otherwise just let it wash over you.

Or if you're feeling confrontational, send the therapist this:

https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/web/products-eurostat-news/w/ddn-20241125-3

and ask whether abuse has been part of their training, and if not, why the hell not.

All the best. One way or another, you'll get out. Will think of you next time I light a candle.

Please please please please complete the Freedom Programme.

And check out the book Why Does He Do That? By Lindy Bancroft.

You are complicit in the abuse and emotional neglect of your children. You cannot meet their needs if you are disassociating/broken.

“Childhood exposure to parental psychological abuse — name-calling, intimidation, isolation, manipulation, and control — appears to be more damaging to children’s future mental health than witnessing physical violence between parents, according to a new study conducted at the University of Limerick (UL), Ireland.”

psychcentral.com/news/2017/05/16/witnessing-parental-psychological-abuse-may-do-more-harm-than-physical-abuse#1

Hi op, this is awful. No wonder you're struggling.

I agree with contacting womens aid urgently. I would ask for their help in advocating with the social worker.

Suggesting you do relationship therapy is hugely inappropriate for a domestically abusive relationship and will never work. It was a totally unprofessional ask from the social worker and demonstrates a lack of awareness of domestic abuse and also the logistics of counselling. That needs to be spelt out to the social worker and a women's aid worker will be able to help with that. I'd try to leave as soon as you can and honestly I'd ask to speak to the social workers senior and tell her what's happening and how it's affecting you so they can do what they need to and help you leave.

I would also say that not all therapists are equally informed in domestic abuse. Many will cite it as something they deal with but that doesn't mean she's actually genuinely informed. That rings real alarm bells for me.

But having said that, shouldn't a good counsellor spot that right away?

Agree with @Notreallybarbie1

I've used counselling twice in my live. Both times they were female counsellors and completely took the side of my DH. Both times'/reasons I was being abused. I wasn't allowed to speak, couldn't get a word in, being spoken over. I honestly felt more hopeless and useless than ever. Never ever again. Did it the old fashioned way in the end. Grew a back bone and left.

Couples therapy is contraindicated when abuse is present. It can become a further tool for the abuser to use, often getting the therapist onside. The fact that you are experiencing a traumatic response after these sessions is hugely concerning. I would recommend seeking out advice from women’s aid or a local women’s centre.

YES! Exactly!

What about your kids, though? You know this is awful for them, you’ve heard from people how this sort of dynamic impacted them when they were growing up. How do you not feel compelled to do something for their sake?

Then you can't stay. If you do you are complicit in abuse towards the children

Ask if she hasa colleague you could speak to alone

Nobody is going to believe what that twat is saying. But the second thing you have to do is to stop giving a damn what people think of you.

That's as good as starting point as any.

I'd make a list of "baby steps" at work.

Things like:

Tell people who love you
Keep a diary of specifics (at work) relating to his behaviour
Get your passports and bank stuff out
In the interim take photos of bank stuff and passports and save photos at work for a worst case scenario
Find a way to hide away some money (maybe give it to your mum or another friend or family member you trust)
See if work could support a relocation for distance
Pack and hide a go bag
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ has some good signposting
Think about when to tell the kids school

Have a list of passwords/social media/ location tracking you need to change once you go

Plan when is a safe time to go i.e. skip work and pick up the kids

You need to get ready to leave. That’s the only solution.

I’m not going to bore you with my struggles but believe me, I had to find strength when I was utterly broken on every level. No one was going to do it for me. There was no one. You will have to dig deep, stop being afraid to be alone and do it. You will NEVER improve yours or your children’s lives with that scumbag.