Would you depend on your child to care for another sibling?

I asked DP if she wouldnt want an opportunity to have a career, or have a relationship/own house as she is getting older. He said it's not possible because she is brothers carer.

Does he think it's fine that he gets to have a career and family but his sister can't as she's the carer? Why her and not him?

Maybe the mother needs to work to keep a roof over their heads? Maybe the sister wants to be the carer for her brother rather than work? We can't know the family dynamics so best not to judge.

I have been a full time carer for my adult son for the last 12 years since he left education. It's incredibly hard, demanding and lonely. He's recently moved into supported living and is settling in and getting used to a new way of life. I made that decision because I'm not getting any younger and I don't want his brothers to be left with a difficult situation to sort out when I'm no longer here. But it's been the hardest thing I've ever done, handing his care over to other people.

I think it’s shit of the parents to expect that of their child. As you rightly point out, she’s been to uni so I assume she has ideas in what she wants to do but is now restricted.

It’s a bit like people again usually women who are expected to look after their elderly parents, because they ‘don’t want to go in to a home’. Well tough, let your child live their life instead of being selfish and expecting them to look after you.

I am the sibling of an adult with a range of additional needs, including ASD.

I remember being about 21, nearing the end of my degree, lying in bed and experiencing a wave of panic as I realised that my DPs were expecting me to step up more and more with my DSis. That it would all fall to me eventually. I decided at that point that no way was I going to be that person. I resolved to make my own life and not step up.

Putting it bluntly, I did enough during my childhood. I love my dsis but she is not my responsibility. Fast forward many years, and my dsis lives semi independently with the support of carers and a key worker. She is happy and she enjoys her own space.

I believe that the decision I took was the best one for both of us.

So no, a sibling should never be expected to take on the caring responsibilities. They should be encouraged to forge their own path. Most will have made sacrifices during their childhoods- this should not continue into adulthood.

That’s awful! Poor sister!

Is your FIL in the picture? Any care should be split between him and MIL, surely?

The sister should be equally as free to work as your DP is - (edit - and the other siblings are) why is there a distinction drawn? I mean I know why, they’ve done this to her because she’s female, but it’s appalling.

As a pp said, I guess she’s been groomed into it, but it’s awful.

It sounds like her autism is worse than it appears, if she has a degree and hasn't made her way into the work force, she is comfortable at home.
A colleagues DS has 4 degree's, highly intelligent has no plans to ever work, he'd need a lot of support.
It obviously is not the life I'd choose for my DC.
I think you should keep out of it.

No, that absolutely shouldn’t be the expectation.

YADNBU. I have two autistic sons - the older is likely to be able to live independently. Younger definitely not.

There are no expectations older son is a career for his brother from us. That would be a tragedy for him and stunt his life.

Most siblings do not want to and won’t.

some families effectively groom a child (usually female) into doing it.

It’s usually women being sacrificed to be careers, too. I agree that it’s parents’ responsibility to care, where possible, for their child, and, if not, to find that child residential or other provision in their lifetime.

I do know someone in his 40s who is preparing to take over care of his brother with Down Syndrome when his parents are no longer able to care for him, but that was a long-discussed plan arrived at in the family as a whole, based on everyone’s needs, capacities etc. Friend is longterm single, childfree, uninterested in longterm relationships, and will be able to retire comfortably as early as needed, as he has a very highly-paid job and few outgoings.