Would you depend on your child to care for another sibling?

MAJOR red flag against your partner. Sounds like he has no sympathy for his sister who has had her life dictated by a child she didn't choose to have. It's not her job to be the carer of her sibling.

It's entirely up to the parent. It's the risk you take when you have children, that they may not be well enough to look after themselves and it's the parents responsibility to do it. It's insane the poor daughter is getting this responsibility dumped on her.

@ellie09 would your partner and the other siblings be happy to speak to the parents and agree that the house is solely left to the caring sibling? She has sacrificed everything.

A friend has told her grandchildren that it's their job to look after their cousin with Down's. (The cousin is an only child.)

I've bitten my tongue. I'm hoping that she just meant that they should advocate for the child.

OP, are you deliberately avoiding the questions around your partner's attitude here?

Fairly large house - think its a 5 bed as they all had their own rooms growing up

Well, I hope they leave it solely to the daughter who has got absolutely no income or pension.

His poor sister.
Says a lot about him that he thinks its her responsibility.
What a thoroughly selfish mother too.
That poor woman sacrificing her life for a sibling.

Always amazes me why people have so many kids when there’s clear SN with the first ones. It’s always 3/4 kids too. Very unfair on the siblings but as pp said the kids are probably groomed into it.

I would only allow it if it was what the sibling truly wanted, they were an adult and there was a lot of discussion around it. I would definitely see it as my job to provide care for them and wouldn't expect it from siblings.
It's not the same but I've heard of parents having a second child in order to care for the first and I think it's awful to put that expectation on someone

We used to know a family where there were parents in their 80s, a son with Down's and severe learning difficulties in his 40s and a daughter in her 50s who didn't have any disabilities.

It was heart-breaking hearing this middle-aged man running after and calling out for his mummy; seeing this exhausted elderly woman being run ragged by him and the knowing looks on his sister's face as she realised what would be coming to her before very long.

How does he know that he would be summarily incapable of doing it - whereas his sister definitely can?

Does he think his sister is somehow luckier than him because she can do it?

Instinctively I would feel it's an unfair burden but I don't know their circumstances. I wouldn't assume she wants a specific career though, not everyone studies with the intention of using it for a defined career.

On one level of course you're right, it's not fair. On another you didn't see what actual choices they had to pick from. It's possible it was the least worst, it's possible it suited her at the time etc.

You see a lot on here very black and white statements like I'd never give up work to be dependent on a man, I'd never go PT because pensions, I'd never let my child watch TV or eat a hotdog or choose not to go to school ("I'd just make them go, they have to so I can work"), I'd never let the sheets go more than 7 days without washing. I think that shows a lack of understanding of how limited other people's choice can be, what roads they have travelled to end up in these places.

I'm a SEN parent, I get judged left right and centre for what people assume are bad choices. Often it's not really a choice at all, but where we have ended up when Plan A through to Plan Y have failed. Years of raising very disabled children without sufficient support tends to exhaust family resources - not just financial but energy, mental health, physical health etc. It's easy for someone who's slept more than 4 hours a night for the last 20 years to judge someone who hasn't.

Does his mother own the house? If so, she will probably leave the house with DD.
My aunt looked after my uncle when my DGM died, the deal was aunt inherited the home.

If the sisters not working or putting into a pension she will have a miserable old age too. Perhaps siblings could all pay into a fund or trust for the unpaid carer.

Well, look at the facts in front of you, he's extricated himself from any caring responsibilities and let it land on his sister's shoulders, and he says nothing because it's in his best interest. So let's not beat around the bush - it'll be you.

Absolutely. I'd be livid with my partner if that was his attitude.

I know someone who has had their whole life overshadowed by their disabled sibling (think to the extreme of not being allowed to go to parties / sleepovers / friends houses as her sibling couldn't "do the same). She has had to deal with a lot of administrative issues for her sibling from a very young age as English wasn't her parents first language.

She's now in her 30's, still lives at home (albeit in a granny annex - family are incredibly wealthy) and despite working FT she helps with her sibling most evenings and weekends. She has a long term partner but they have no plans to live together. Her parents are aging and she will need to take care of her sibling when they pass. As a couple they rarely go away for longer than a weekend and all the holidays they have taken in the past decade have been with her parents and sibling.

I think her parents have been absolutely disgusting by putting this level of burden and responsibility on her for her whole life. Of course she loves her sister and her parents and doesn't know any different. And of course there is a brother who has had none of these expectations places on him

As a mother of a disabled child it breaks my heart to think of my older 2 being penalised for their sisters disability. There is absolutely no expectations on them to take care of their sister. I want them to live full, independent, exciting and happy lives. I don't want their lives to be dictated by their sister.

If anyone left work, it would be me or DP

Well, look at the facts in front of you, he's extricated himself from any caring responsibilities and let it land on his sister's shoulders, and he says nothing because it's in his best interest.

So let's not beat around the bush - it'll be you.

I assume its because his sister is the eldest and its just been assumed this would happen

I think that's a really shitty attitude of your partner, tbh.

I have a son myself and if I ended up with another child with complex needs, the responsibility would never fall on him. If anyone left work, it would be me or DP

It's not looking like it would be your DP, is it?