Would you depend on your child to care for another sibling?

No I wouldn’t expect my child to do this, however when I was in school, maybe year 6 & 7 I had a few friends who’s younger sibling was between 4-7 and they’d often look after them on the weekends all day whilst their mum worked, thinking about it now it’s wild

Agreed my child is more signicantly impacted he will always need 1:1 care but I don't expect my oldest child to be his carer I would like them to have a brotherly relationship and he visits his brother but that's it.

I would discuss with DH how to ensure DSis gets the house. Everyone is ignoring her needs now so I suspect the same will happen once DMIL goes. If the money hasn’t been taken up with care DMILs home fees.

A school friend had an autistic elder sister. The parents insisted that the eldest stay at home. They seemed to expect that the middle and youngest sisters would eventually take over, though both did have good careers.

By the time they were middle-aged, the father had died. The middle girl had terminal cancer; the youngest had another condition which affected her work life.

Only then did the mother agree that the eldest could enter an assisted living facility. The girl flourished there - the first time in her life she was able to choose the decor for her own room, for example.

The middle girl died in her late 40s, 15 years ago. The eldest girl died this year.

You are assuming the mum has orchestrated this and decided to treat this sister differently but you don’t know this. Lots of autistic people go to uni but can’t hold down a job due anxiety or sensory issues or lack of offers. Maybe she’s being paid from the brothers social care package to be his carer and it suits her. Maybe she is getting an income and pension.
There should be a social worker and care act assessment and proper time off for the sister.
The whole family should know if there’s a care plan and contingency plan
but you don’t actually know the mum wouldn’t quit work tomorrow if the daughter got a job. Maybe talk to your partners mum before judging and assuming the worst of her

Do you know if she is claiming a carers payment. I understand the rate isn't much.
Have a chat with SIL. You have no idea if she prefers being at home over working in a professional role, only she knows her situation.
I assume MIL helps when she gets in from work.

Shocking. I feel sorry for the sister. Your husband sounds like a right twat too 🤷‍♀️

It’s down to everyone, everyone here is an adult, they should ALL be doing better.

Mum should have put plans in place so that sister did not have to become carer, siblings should have stepped in when it became obvious that mum wasn’t going to so that they could either come up with a plan, discuss with mum, or share the load equally between them if that was the only way.

Why your husband and the other sister have happily fucked off leaving another sibling in this mess is beyond me, and the fact you think a holiday and a gift makes up for that is bizarre.

Every single adult should be doing better here. Everyone.

It is down to the siblings to support and advocate for their oldest sister with their mother.

Obviously it’s then up to their mother to sort out.

But if the oldest sister can’t even depend on her own siblings to be on her side, who can she? She herself may not be able to see the wood for the trees.

Absolutely not, my son is ASD and I'd never expect his older sibling to give up her life and dreams to look after him. I would hope she would maybe pop in to check on him now and then and maybe drop some milk to him if he needed and she was passing. But she should not shoulder the burden of mine and her dad's choice to have children. And I feel extremely strongly about that.

Well, apart from the oldest sister.

It seems that because this sister might get the house and because your DP buys her nice things, that’s being used to excuse the fact that, at 33, she is an unpaid carer and companion for her brother, and at this rate, will be at least till MIL retires (minimum 10 years away, you said?) if not beyond.

This has to stop and it has to stop now and golden boy (your DP) is the one who can kick start this.

Its a really shocking situation, like something out of a Jane Austen.

I don’t want to blame your husband but can you help him see how your sister is not able to live her life. Can you ask him to encourage her to start her own life - focussing on her career and personal life. And organise with the help of other sister and mum assisted living for the youngest sibling?
The eldest sister may regret it one day and feel a lot of resentment towards everyone.

I don't think this is on your partner. He isn't responsible for caring for one sibling and he isn't responsible for another sibling taking on the care. We don't even know if she wants to do it or not, so the posters saying your partner should do more to advocate for her just want to criticise.

This worries me. My DIL has a severely disabled brother who needs 2 to 1 care at all times. I am certain that when her parents die she will want to take over caring for him, because she is a lovely caring person.
However that will mean both DS and DIL will have to give up their own jobs. I think no good can come of it. However DS is very idealistic and has a rose-tinted view of what people can deal with and he would definitely agree to this.
I've kept quiet and always will, but it bothers me that it's on the horizon like a volcano waiting to erupt.

Ps You can't not treat all the children the same when they have autism.
You judge MIL harshly, many mothers who have DC with SEN are low income workers, including myself.
You are 1.5 hours away, your partner is no physical help, just mind your own business.

Every family is different, had different dynamics / values / expectations. And finances inevitably play a huge part in it. Families that can ‘throw money at the problem’ have more and different options to those that don’t.

personally, I think any parent that doesn’t work towards ensuring that the disabled child learns to be as independent as possible is doing them a disservice. A good friend has a son who is autistic. He went uni but was horribly bullied, and came home part of the way through the first year. Since then, he’s just lived at home, done his sports / hobby and occasionally worked part time. He’s 30 now, and has never had to pay a bill or take any responsibility. His parents are wealthy, they have a massive house, my friends has been a SAHM forever and still runs around after everyone. The parents have left money in trust for him in their wills, to be administered by his two sisters as he has never learned to do so. That’s not an option open to all families.

You don't seem to understand that although they're all high functioning to use your words, they'll have individual issues to deal with and you can't make assumptions.
Families have to sacrifice their time for each other, it is not ideal but life isn't fair.
I know you don't have to look after sibling.
How much help does your partner offer?

I think this is a very important point to consider, if you plan to have any more dc and even if you don’t (because you should make sure your contraception is bullet proof).

Absolutely not I'm the parent of a severely autistic non verbal teen, I have made it absolutely clear to my oldest son that i never want him to be his brothers carer
He has his own life to lead.

So the poor mother has no choice but to work to support everyone and rely on her daughters for care, the poor eldest sister has been unwillingly forced to do the caring, the poor youngest sister has been forced to flee from her family to avoid the care and it's all the middle child / brothers fault because he is a man so he caused it all

Yanbu. That poor young woman is being abused by her family and your DP and his other sister are colluding in the abuse. I hope someone helps her. I hope you see this as a red flag that your DP thinks it's ok to abuse people like this.

Sounds awful but if the sister is unable to work due to her own ASD, they may all depend on the Mum’s income to live.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the reason she is in another country is because the sisters are expected to be carers, you know being women and all, and that was her way of escaping. The brother however is free to live his life.