Husband told me to say please

And this is one of the most batshit poll results I’ve ever seen on MN.

Petty much!

There was a post (maybe BP?) on how some children did better at uni, jobs applications etc because of "soft skills". I got my first waiting on job because the other girl being interviewed didn't say please and thank you, and I did.
Obviously there's a time and a place-if you've got toothache/a bad cold etc you might try to minimise speaking, and with your partner it's not quite the same, but it's easier to teach kids to say please and thank you because they'll (generally) sound more polite and considerate.
At parties, the kid who says thank you isn't necessarily more polite than the one who smiles and high fives the helper taking round the sweets, but saying please and thank you means you're always acknowledging the other person and (hopefully) means they won't blank or ignore waiters etc. Teachers often remember the only kid in the class who tells them thanks for organising a trip.

This fucking 'basic manners' brigade are boring people who don't seem to have anything else to worry about. I just see you all as Annabel's party people trying to sounds normal all the time. Some people don't come from places where it is all that common to say please and thankyou. Having a nice tone is ok by me. It's petty of your husband to ask that. I would say where I'm from, if you say please it often means you are annoyed or you're throwing someone out of a venue, so you have reverted to faux polite speak to get your point across.

Absolutely.

The glorious irony of this thread. Every single poster who’s said OP WBU, and thinks it’s ok to scold another adult like this is actually demonstrating they haven’t actually got a clue about real manners, respect, courtesy.

Your DH was being extremely rude, OP, and you shouldn’t tolerate it. He needs to learn some basic manners. He shouldn’t talk to you as if you were a child he’s educating; he shouldn’t try to compel your speech; he shouldn’t make an issue of something perfectly ordinary and everyday like this.

Is he generally an arsehole or was this out of character for him?

Of course you teach your kids to say please and thank you when out and about , being served in a restaurant for example but there is an informality when at home with a loved one

can I have the remote
ta

pass us that nappy
cheers

you want kechup?
yeah

all perfectly pleasant and relaxed and no one is raising ignorant thugs

YABU. I think it's basic manners, but it's not as common anymore where I am, which I think is a shame.

There's a current running thread entitled

Help me figure out how to tell him

nobody has batted an eyelid about that request!

I really don’t think a ‘chat about it when the kids are in bed’ is needed here🤣 he’s reminded her to say please, that’s it!

It’s also not pedantic to expect manners. If you don’t, that’s fine. I do.

If we’re trying to get language, grammar etc. correct then the response to ‘Could you pass me the …X, Y, Z’, is either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. I.E. 'Yes, I could' or 'No. I couldn’t'. Could or would you sentences are questions and don’t need please; they are asking if the respondent has the ability to do something or if they will do something.

‘Could you pass me the remote please ?’ is neither one thing nor another.

‘Please pass me the X, Y, Z’, or ‘Pass me the X, Y, Z, please’, doesn’t sound as friendly but is the correct request.

Please is a word which should be used either before or at the end of a request, not a question. Perhaps ‘DH’ needs to revisit his understanding of the English language.

So many ill mannered dickheads.

The way op’s Dh spoke to her was absolutely not ok. She is not a child.

In a normal, loving, relaxed, friendly relationship it is perfectly fine to not finish every single minor request with ‘please’. It’s about tone and context.
Her Dh was clearly being goady and belittling.

Please bare in mind that there a many men out there that get a kick out of controlling women and putting them down etc…. (Not saying this is op’s situation).

I could never imagine a situation where my DH said this to me over something so minor. It’s shocking to me that so many women on this thread think it’s alright.

So many dickheads. Please isn't a magic word. You can say something rudely whilst saying please, and you can also ask something in a perfectly pleasant manner, without saying the word please. All in the tone.

I definitely know his tone. Dickhead.

By his own standards he should have said "Say please, please", rather than just "Say please" so on that basis your replay should have been "Say please, please, please". HTH

It’s an informal conversation so you YANBU. Does he say thank you to you for bf your child? I thought not.

I think it's fair for him to call you out on not saying please but he could have done it in a nicer way.

Why does does someone need to be called out for not saying the word please if they've just asked for remote and its their home... they are a couple and op has asked in a reasonable way. Who goes out of their way to call out their partner over something as pathetic as that. Is she 5? No shes not. She doesn't need to be called out... nothing calling out worthy happened.

be more mindful in future.

Be mindul of what ? Making sure you dont forget to say please in case your partnet cant handle it?? NO!! unless shes being rude to him every time she asks for the control there's no reason to be mindul of saying please all the time in your own home.

Good for him, I would have said the same thing. It’s just basic courtesy to say ‘please’ at the end of the request.

Agree with your DH, it is basic manners. YABU

100 per cent with you about asking nicely being the key not about a please!

I think op when you're in the trenches with a new baby it's a lot of pressure on your relationship, even if it's otherwise solid. It's easy to get ratty with each other or feel taken for granted or take for granted when you don't have the same bandwidth to be thoughtful and considerate from lack of sleep and the demand on you.

I think it's fair for him to call you out on not saying please but he could have done it in a nicer way.

Unless there's a backstory to him undermining or infantalising you then if this is a one off I'd let it go and be more mindful in future. If there's a pattern to this, then you need to call him out calmly and directly.

Training my DS to say please and thank you took me years so hearing my DH’s lack of manners in front of DS had me raging and I would also pull him up on it. It’s basic manners and both parents need to model the wanted behaviour. Manners cost nothing.

You really shouldn’t need a full on discussion for your partner, an adult, to say please🤣🤣

Again, basic manners. If you don’t have them, it’s totally fine for someone- anyone- to pull you up on that.

I would absolutely say that to a friend, or my husband, or anyone really. Again- it’s just basic manners.

It just feels petty to me, and I bet OP is usually modelling please and thank you in front of her kids. Let’s all be realistic and nuanced… sometimes in interactions we do omit this and it doesn’t mean we are being rude or bad mannered. Jheez.

If you normally say please and thank you and this was a one off slip then a cheeky "Don't you mean please mummy?" would have done the job. If you regularly don't say please or thank you then I'd have to agree on him pulling you up on it. But then it is a pet peeve of mine