Husband told me to say please

Saying please and thankyou is really important. Especially when you have children you need to model politeness and good behavior around.

'Pass me the x, please' is a command. I think common day usage has softened it to 'could you, pass me the x' - even though it is gramatically meaningless.

I don't tend to use 'please' at home, unless I'm being stern with someone. I would use it more in formal interactions.

I find mumsnet idea that you can say anything politely, by putting 'please' on the end, bizarre - 'I politely asked a complete stranger to please not do something (that was not illegal or immoral) in public and they rudely told me to mind my own business', If the stranger said 'mind your own business, please' it would probably be fine.

Your DH was BU. He should have passed you the remote, realised you were stuck under the baby and asked if you needed anything else before he went upstairs.

If someone said to me 'hold the door, please' - i would find that unusual. Somone upthread used it as an example of their politeness. You are actually commanding me to hold the door for you. I would wonder why.

Please should be a natural thing to say after a request. Manners.

It's basic manners and should come naturally to an adult. Kids learn by example.

This is spot on imo

for this, regardless of who I was speaking to - husband, child, sister, bff - I would say ‘if you are done with that, please could you chuck it’ . It’s just automatic for me, for everyone I know, for my children etc - and I would find it really strange if someone missed out the please. It just doesn’t sound right. A bit like when someone whose second language is English might miss out the verb to be ‘oh, that place, I love it, I going there’ for example. You know what they mean, but it doesn’t sound right.

It depends on the casualness of the interaction. I am very hot on manners but could very casually say “pass us the remote” and I don’t think that particular interaction requires a please, though I’d most likely say ‘ta’ when handed it.

I wouldn’t appreciate being ‘told’ to say please like a naughty child.

Manners cost nothing.

He was going upstairs and you were breastfeeding his child. He should've had the manners to ask if you needed or wanted anything while he was up. Instead he patronised and infantalised you. He doesn't respect you. I'm sure you would've thanked him when he passed it to you.

I would have a general chat with him

Ask him if this was a one off or does he have quietly bubbling resentment about your manners or perceived lack of and this tipped him over the edge

Ask him if he has a problem with helping you when you're breatfeeding or in general as the way he said it felt to you like a dig

Tell him you don't hear please and thank you all day long for all you do for the baby. And the only reason you need help from him to grab stuff is you're literally trapped by a baby a lot of the time.

If he's a nice guy he should reassure you.

I would be upset with him if he didn’t always say please when he asked me for something, but if he did always say please I’d take it as a sign that he still values the use of outward and obvious words of gratitude and start using them more.

I think it’s very much an expected norm (basic manners as PPs have said) in the wider society, but not in every home or close knit social group.

I’d probably reply “do you need a round of applause at the end too?”

I think it’s good to teach children to say please and thank you.

@Neuroticmillenial quick heads up - there's a lot of arseholes and trolls around this evening who are being antagonistic and confrontational, and will go out of their way to tell you that you were in the wrong. Ignore them.

Yes “ please” is formally polite but you don’t need to be polite with a partner - not being rude is enough. Passing something that requires no effort is fine to not bother.

You make sure it’s used around children because they need to remember to be polite. Op doesn’t need schooling.

My DH says “thank you” when he’s a bit tense. He swears blind he’s polite and says it all the time but actually it’s s good indicator he’s a bit upset.

DH and I always say please and thank you.

I don't know why, but we both find it a bit jarring when people don't automatically say it.

By the time we got close to adulthood it was just programmed into us and our adult DC are the same.

My DH said the exact same thing to me about six months ago, i said the same as you. It’s not like you said GIVE ME THE REMOTE NOW. You asked could you pass me the remote? Technically he could have just said no rather than infantilising you. I told my DH that he knows me well enough to know that I would have thanked him when the remote was passed. It annoyed him later when I asked Alexa a question and said please. I still chuckle about that now.

Wouldnt bother me.

Its not a fomal request its more like "if you are done with that, chuck it over".

I always get a bit of a spidey sense when the nit picking starts....never known it not to escalate into a "you always...." "you never....."

Children learn by example not by being told what to do, if you never say 'please' and 'thank you', they'll never learn.

I had this issue with my now ex-husband, he would say 'give me' this or that and never ask nicely or smile when he asked for things and guess what, my daughter followed suit, and then now ex-husband got furious with her for lack of respect!!!

Monkey see; monkey do.

another thing that’s kinda impolite, is starting a thread on Aibu where nighttime traffic is vast, and not responding to people who give you their own time to respond to your query.

Please and thank you
Manners are manners

A couple of years ago I said "what?" to my very much EX partner in front of the kids and he corrected me to say "pardon?"!!

Obviously I didn't want to have a row in front of the kids but it was the most patronising thing ever.

I literally cannot believe the results of this poll. Same please and thank you to loved ones is absolutely fine, but it’s also fine to know that it’s not always appropriate or necessary. What your husband is talking about is overly formal manners, and remind me of JD Vance versus Zelenskyy. I know who I’d rather be married to!

Yeah! Where's his manners? Lazy bastard.

But he didn't say please...

He just said "say please". He should have said "please say please"