Husband told me to say please

I don't know why some keep insisting that asking someone to do something without saying "please" is "perfectly polite". What someone says in other languages or cultures is their own business, so what an Italian says is irrelevant to communicating in English. Omitting "please" quite literally is NOT polite in English, the word "please" only exists to turn requests into a polite form rather than a command. "Please" indicates respect that the other person ALWAYS has a choice. The philosopher Kant covered this neatly in explaining that it's the difference between treating someone as an "end" rather than only the means to get what you want.

Let's think of the risks involved in being polite to your own partner versus being impolite. I can see lots of risks in being impolite, and OP bumped into one she didn't like - the other person starts being impolite right back to you! Now, I'm happy to be persuaded, tell me - what risk is being run by saying "please"?

It's more about tone - saying "please" doesn't magically make you polite. Depends on the tone of "could you pass me the remote". If it was polite and nice, just annoying and condescending to be nitpicked on like a child. If it was snappy or brief, maybe he felt offended which is valid.

This. Why would you not say please can you pass me x?

Yes, exactly.
And the OPs request ‘could you…’ was a perfectly polite form, it’s not as though she just barked ‘pass me the remote’.

It is definitely a way of feeling superior

It is piss poor manners to correct somebody else’s manners, so he is already unreasonable. On top of that, we remind children to mind their p’s and q’s because they can’t differentiate between when please and thank you are necessary and when not. As long as you ask in a courteous tone, that is sufficient (imho) .

YANBU

Ask him has he thanked you yet for bringing his child into the world and breastfeeding him or her all night every night for however long it's been.

Tell him you expect to be thanked every morning when he wakes up after you've taken care of the baby all night while he slept.

Make him thank you for all the cleaning you do and all the meals you prepare for him too.

The effing arrogant so and so.

Don't let him get away with this dickish behaviour. He absolutely was talking down to you, and it wasn't kind.

We always say please and thank you to set a good example and it's worked as our DC have good manners. Even without DC I would ask DH to pass the control please. A form of basic respect.

learn some good manners yourself and teach them to your kids
its basic human dignity and your own kids will be well liked for it

Absolutely. I can’t honestly believe posters say please to their partners in every single interaction where they ask them to do something?

Surely if you ask in a perfectly polite way there is no need to prompt a ‘please’. What happens if you ask in a really rude or sarcastic way but add a please at the end? Is that ok?

Manners are indeed everything but there are lots of ways of asking really politely and being really lovely about requesting something without necessarily saying please. What a pedantic arsehole.

My bloke laughs at me because saying please is so automatic I say it to Alexa. This reminds me of my cousin saying as a child “If you must snatch, please snatch nicely”.

Maybe he needs to talk to his dwife with the same respect he’d give a friend? Because no way he’d talk to a friend or a colleague like that.
What makes it different there??

Manners go both ways and he certainly wasn’t a beacon of politeness himself.

I agree with a lot of posts that think he is being petty. My husband is italian and in his culture please and thank you are often not said when asking for something to be passed for example. You would use it in formal situations but not in a situation such as ops.

Yes it seems petty to me maybe he was fed up and just wanted to nit pick for want of a better word. Ignore him.

I told him I didn’t like him speaking to me like that as I’m not a child

Maybe he didn't like being asked for something without basic manners coming with it?

If not in front of the kid, then what's the problem? You asked, you didn't demand or order him. I would be tempted in future to end future requests to him with "if it pleases you", or "by your favour", or "if you see it well" (formal French, Spanish and Welsh, respectively). I mean, what a fuss-budget! What are "manners"? Manners are what is customary - what is generally done (in formal situations, between strangers, not close friends and married couples). But this is not at all the same as courtesy. It's just politesse.

Agree, it sounds so basic but I still have to remind my elderly father to say please and thank you because it just should be ingrained in the psyche. Especially with kiddos around just model behaviour

I always say please and thankyou even if I'm mad
Or otherwise it's instilled in me

If he absolutely always says please himself then I think it's ok. If he doesn't then he can piss right off with that patronising bullshit.

It's a bit odd to be precisely estimating effort for the other person before deciding whether a particular request warrants basic politeness or curt commands. Whether you were taught how to behave as a child or not, you're an adult now OP, and raising a child yourself, it's on you to start modelling normal language skills. Say please and thank you, it's a minimum standard.

I can’t see tone making thie words OP quoted acceptable.

I’ve been married a long time. I only see please when it requires effort. We are both fine with it

The first part of this is a standing joke in our house. What do we say?…

The point I was making was that when you're under pressure as a couple it can be easy to drop things like this that ends up causing resentment to build. Either ops dh is just a prick, or he's feeling disrespected and doesn't like how he's being spoken to. If it's the second then he should communicate that to his other half. I'd expect a partner to say please and thank you to me and if they stopped then I'd probably comment on it eventually.

To me this reads like he's feeling resentful about something and this is how it's come out. Which is really easy done when you've just had a baby, are sleep deprived, both in demand in different ways and are getting no time as a couple.

🙄FFS

Yes, it's just basic manners isn't it? 😏