Husband told me to say please

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I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

I think alot of it is about culture. My parents are/were Polish...and we were never brought up to say please to each other in the household....but none of us took offence.... it was just a matter of fact/straight to the point. It's about nuance and understanding each other. Nobody took offence. It was a total non issue. It was only when we went into the wider world that we realised how many English people would say 'please' and 'thank you' constantly to each other in the same household which was bemusing to us.
As a second generation immigrant I brought up my children say please and thank you by modelling it all the time in the household, but only because I'm immersed in this culture now....but even if I'm at my sister's house she would probably say something like, "chuck us t'remote love" (we're from Yorkshire)......and I love how informal it is.

Likewise, is it something he should get worked up about?

I’m always telling my husband to say please or ask nicely. I’m not dobby the bloody house elf.

It is annoying but i don't even like it when people say excuse me without a please on the end

Exactly, you're not a child, so you should have learned to be polite by now.

I've been in the same situation. It's a power play on their part. For instance if you say to another adult, would you mind helping with this, and they reply, only if you say please - at that point they're telling you to beg. It's different to teaching a child good manners.

If your partner was stuck physically under something and you knew that and didn't offer YOU are the rude person.

If you're feeding his child and cannot move, the polite thing was for him to ask if you needed anything, or to say "here's the remote" if he was hogging it before getting up, surely?

Ask him to say thank you everytime you feed his child.

He was helping to facilitate you doing something for the family. A bare minimum to the task you were doing, for no please and thank yous.

I'd have probably said, "oi you forgot to give me the remote".

Wow - is that really the best excuse you can think up for not saying please and thank you?? Takes no time at all to say those words and certainly doesn't hold up any work. Having observed my builders at work they always say "cheers" - and they also aren't in (well, not that I know of!) a romantic relationship!!

That's appropriate boundary setting on his part: you should say please, especially if he says please when asking for things. It's common decency - and especially important when talking to your partner! The fact you are being so defensive about it is rather telling...why are you so annoyed about being told to be polite?

The irony, OP says I’m not a child, then posts the most childish sulk ever. 😂

I’m trying to imagine people like you do it a renovation/building project. It must take ages with all the please and thank yous for passing that tool and holding that bit and turning the other way and what not.

your partner is right, always add please and thank you. It's basic manners and should come naturally to an adult.
used each time around children and you’ll raise children, teens and adults who know their manners too.

I’ve been keeping an ear out after this thread and the other day a student came to ask me for something - she said, verbatim - “do you have some scissors I can borrow?”. No please, so it must have been excruciatingly rude, right? Except she was smiling, giving eye contact and asking in a pleasant tone of voice so it was perfectly polite.

If you’re one of those insisting every request MUST have please on it to be polite, you’re really showing a lack of critical thinking skills or ability to recognise nuance and tone. Apparently if she’d said “scissors, now please” that’s always polite!

I’m a granny so well past the toddler stage but I remember the joys and challenges of the early years! It is important to model good manners as they grow up and children do pick up on these things if we don’t.

You’re both dealing with extra stress and the responsibilities of parenthood and it’s so easy to get snappy with our partner. Have a talk with your DH at a time when things are more relaxed. Explain how it made you feel and listen to him. I know it sounds a bit trite but communication and understanding are key. So much can be due to different expectations in our own upbringing.

We had a silly word that we would use to remind our DC to say please and it drove them nuts! 😅 and decades on they occasionally refer to it jokingly. My own bugbear is someone saying what instead of pardon - but I button my lip.

Yeah, you’re being unreasonable. Grow up.

Sure. How about "pass me the remote please" in a brief, snippy tone vs "could you pass me the remote?" in a nice respectful tone. It's obvious which one you'd prefer your DH to direct at you.

You could, of course, say "please" combined with a nice tone, but it's entirely a delusion to think merely throwing a perfunctory "please" in there makes it more palatable.

I'd addressed this in my last paragraph actually, hence my use of "mutually exclusive". :) Both are nice of course, but the reality of everyday parenting is that everything calls for prioritisation. A pedantic, single minded focus on an arbitrary word means it will often be perfunctorily used in tones that aren't too pleasant.

To be very honest, the rest of your post (especially about "wanting to go into professions (?)) seems to be teaching a grandmother to suck eggs. (Just as a good natured fyi, from personal experience whether in industries like law or at corporate c-suite level you particularly have to be mindful of tone in emails and written communication - there are those that aren't but this inevitably proves a bad idea years down the line. Today's workplace culture has changed a lot from the 00s and 10s.)

Adding "now" makes the first one rude, because the timing counteracts the spirit of it being a request.

"do you think you could you do this?" - you think I need to consider if I'm even capable of picking up a remote control, how thick do you think I am?

"I'd really like it if you could do this" - again "could" when you mean "would", and all thrown into passive voice, which can easily be perceived as aggressive.

Why can you NOT say a perfectly normal: "Please would you pass me the remote?"

It isn't a choice, being polite OR saying please children (and clearly some adults) ought to learn to do both. You'll really do your kids no good at all if they want to go into professions @cursedsleep, and you've taught them that polite forms of speech are optional when dealing with colleagues and clients. Email and messaging platforms have no tone, people would be outraged to receive their commands, regardless of the "spirit" they have.

@GRex not quite. "Do this now please." in snippy or even a neutral commanding tone
vs "do you think you could you do this?"/"I'd really like it if you could do this" in nice, collaborative tone
Which would you prefer to have directed at you?

It doesn't hurt to learn to say "please" certainly. But the sort of mothers I encounter daily who have a particular obsession with it – and who are very smug that their DC are perfectly well-mannered angels – are not people you'd want to be around. Neither are their DC for that matter. I'd far rather teach my child about real politeness than be pedantic about a single word.

And yes I do think it can sometimes be a bit mutually exclusive, in that a single minded obsession with a particular word like you see in this thread CAN detract from the actual spirit of politeness.

In my profession I've seen a lot of adults acting superior and well-mannered but basically using "manners" as a really passive aggressive shield.

I'd rather my DC learn the "spirit of the law" rather than the "letter of the law" if that makes sense – it's more about being genuinely unassuming and polite than putting on airs. Makes for more likeable and pleasant DCs especially as adults.

"Please" is nice to say but an obsession with it at the expense of actually being polite (eg OP's DP could have expressed his feelings in a much nicer way) seems rather pointless.