To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

Yes we do.

Because you just have to look at adults, the way they behave, the number of people who are totally immature emotionally.
And the ones who REALLY are emotionally mature, who can have hard conversations wo falling into the blame game, victim mentality etc etc… are those who have been taught to deal with their own emotions (starting with being able to recognise them!)

If the comment is that it’s not usual. Yep that’s true it’s not usual. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong though.

Gentle parenting feels off to most people because the only parenting technique they’ve ever experienced is control through the ‘carrot and the stick’.

Ive never used punishment with my dcs. I learnt pretty quickly it didn’t work.
I still had very clear boundaries, sets of acceptable abnd unacceptable things. Standards that most people in the U.K. thought were too harsh….

Theyre now young adults. Theyre independent. Doing really well. Kind. Hard working. Not entitled or spoiled.

I keep reading on here about parents disciplining kids but then apologising to them?? just why? talk about giving them mixed messages, if you are going to discipline, bloody stick to your guns🙄

Reminds me of a mother I knew 30 years ago who saw her 5yo hit another child, totally unprovoked. (I saw it too.) She was a very gentle person, and really struggled with her son's behaviour. In anguished tones she said 'X! That was .. that was absolutely ... not good.' I have no doubt that she would have latched onto the phrase 'We gentle parent' had it been in use back then, but the truth was that she did a lot of reading about child development and agonising over her son's behaviour, which was often aggressive, and not nearly enough simple common sense laying down simple ground rules and consequences. He needed to hear the word 'No' much more often rather than yet another long talk about his emotions.

But do we? Do we not also know that allowing children to work out how to behave appropriately and that feelings are not damaging will help them to be mature and worthwhile members of society?

I feel we have thrown the baby of "I am your parent and it will not hurt you to learn that what I say goes and that you ARE able to regulate yourself without analysing your every mood blip" out with the bathwater of "shut up or I'll give you something to cry about".

There’s an assumption that children are all the same, they all need their feelings acknowledging. It really isn’t true. Some children have very superficial histrionic responses and what helps them is very clear firm boundaries. I live near a primary school and hear certain children escalating histrionic protests all along the road. There’s no feeling involved that needs gentle parenting, it’s all ego assertion from a child who wants to dominate. As in all cases, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and so many parents assume they are masters of psychology because they ve heard acknowledging feelings is good. Honestly, it’s AI parenting. Hopeless.

That is quite funny though. Maybe she knew that if she said 'no, not today' he'd either still just do the whining, or escalate it into full-on tantrumming, so she thought she might as well go with the most entertaining response.

Yabu..
I had some very hard boundaries as a gentle parent.
I just only set hard rules if I felt they were needed and justified.

Mine are teens now. They do their homework, go to bed at a sensible time etc all without fuss or even nagging. They are a delight to be around and we still enjoy spending time together.

The friends I know who were much stricter are having far more issues with their teens.

Well said. I am in my 60s. It annoys me intensely when much younger people patronisingly start making wild and inaccurate generalisations about how people my age and older approached the difficult business of bringing up children in earlier times. Guess what, not everybody took the same approach! Just like now.

Sometimes when you’re pissing into the wind it feels better to have the one sided conversation with a degree of flare.

sorry meant to quote @Buxusmortus

I think it's laziness and wanting to be your child's friend which is causing a lot of problems. As well as lack of respect for authority.

I think the problem with gentle parenting is it doesn’t prepare kids well for adult life when they won’t be “gentle parented” by their employer/landlord/bank/whoever and therefore they end up feeling completely let down and dissatisfied.

Same a women in her 70’s who hates children so much she stipulated, when marketing her house for sale, that no children should be allowed to view as apparently they are all clutching fruit shoots and spraying them everywhere. Further justified by saying their opinion is irrelevant (which it might be but misses the point of why children might need to go with their parents and said that anyone buying her modestly priced house could afford childcare 🤣

I was in my local shop and there was a mother with a child of about 4. As she passed the sweets he started saying " I want sweeeeets" in that whiny tone we've all heard. She looked at him and said" I understand your feelings but they don't align with my opinions on this issue". It didn't work, he carried on saying it and she repeated her phrase. I almost laughed. What's wrong with saying a simple" no, not today". It must be exhausting thinking up all these phrases if you feel you can't say no to your child.

You are confusing it with permissive parenting or non parenting.

I miss the laugh emoji.

IRL the person I know who rants about gentle parenting is a child-free person. So she doesn't have a child, isn't around children a lot, doesn't spend time in any childcare settings and just assumes she knows why kids are as they are.

It's the beaten, neglected and screamed at kids who are 'feral'. Poor lambs.

It seems to have become popularised by the books authored by Sarah Ockwell Smith who has absolutely no formal training in child development beyond a BSc in Psychology from a low-ranking university. I am surprised that she's become an authority on parenting tbh.

I think acknowledging their feelings in that situation means something more like accepting that they are sad or angry about the 'no' and not (for example) telling them off for crying.

Base on what I've observed, the thing that is considered real gentle parenting. Sounds like regular parenting, but it has been given a name for some reason. And then some parenta claim to follow the gentle parenting philosophy and use that as an excuse for bad parenting.

🍿

Personally I prefer to beat my kids. I have no interest in their mental health over the course of their lifetime or their own feelings of self worth.

I forsee many lonely Christmases in my future but it will be worth it to prove the value of the word “No” to myself.

Also, I think the confusion between gentle parenting and permissive parenting is often due to permissive parents claiming to gentle parent.

I think it’s one of those things now it’s too late to come back from it, the ‘stigma’ is there. So permissive parents have ruined the name

The term gentle parenting has been appropriated by permissive or negligent parents to make it look like their hands off lack of parenting is a considered choice rather than laziness.

Gentle parenting does include the word no, appropriate boundaries and consequences. Gentle parenting is not ineffectually muttering "kind hands" as your 3 year old repeatedly bashes another child over the head with a heavy book.

I think the problem is how people understand these named ‘parenting methods’

Some people who claim to gentle parent are just totally ineffective.
And others who think if you aren’t gentle parenting you’re beating your kids.

I think gentle parenting, from what I understand of it, is just normal parenting. I don’t think it needs a name
You communicate with your child, talk to them, set consequences for behaviour, they know ‘no means no’ etc.

I think the name and ‘brand’ needs to be dropped.

You’re mistaking gentle parenting with permissive parenting

I worked in one nursery where the manager had banned us from saying 'no' to children in any circumstances. A child could be biting another child and we weren't allowed to say no. We were expected to distract with positive reinforcement instead. Positive reinforcement is great but when a child is behaving unacceptably you need to be able to correct that in an age-appropriate way and instill basic morals and manners. By not addressing bad behaviour you're doing a disservice to the child. I understand that not all people that follow gentle parenting are like this but it does happen sometimes. It seems to be a parenting style rooted in empathy but it also requires empathy to discipline your child, appropriately, when necessary to ensure they grow into considerate, well-rounded people.