To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

It's a jump on the bandwagon by trendy airheads. No time for it.

I sound quite dubious? About what? About your assertions? Is it not ok to ask what exactly you’re referring to?

But it is completely acceptable to feel anger; however hitting is not ok. It’s about teaching kids how to regulate their emotions and deal with, say anger, in a healthy way; not suppress feelings or make someone feel wrong for feeling them. If you feel angry, you feel angry.

I think gentle parenting with boundaries is fine.

unfortunately that is not what seems to be being done. People are teaching their children but not giving boundaries, not saying no and not teaching their children that sometimes they just don’t get what they want.

The other week there was a thread with some mum wondering if it was ok to “ask” her child to be quiet on occasion. Someone actually said no !!

Can you imagine how much of a self centred pain in the arse such a child would be when it grows up ?

If you want to know what it looks like go over to the thread on teaching where 12 year olds parent has emailed saying her DC is upset as the school didn’t get her flowers after a 6 minute part of a play.

I wonder at what stage these entitled children will finally be told no…

I think when people talk about "gentle" parenting, they are really talking about ineffectual parenting and we've all come across it.

2 year old having a screaming tantrum on the floor in a shop because Mum won't buy whatever, rather than scoop child up under one arm and march out the shop, the mother tries to have a conversation with screaming child about decisions and feelings and how to make different choices.

Or a child thumping other children at a playgroup while a parent smiles on indulgently making passive comments about using kind hands.

In this case you would acknowledge that they are furious, but explain to them that their behaviour is not OK. Something along the lines of 'timmy I know you are very cross, but that does not mean you can hit jenny.' while removing timmy from jenny until he has calmed down. No second chances. Just a recognition that yes, he is furious, but no, hitting is no acceptable, and will lead to consequences ie-being removed from the play

YABU because gentle parenting is not about negotiation. It’s about being respectful and empathetic whilst being firm (boundaries) rather than authoritarian

Gentle parenting isn't just about expressing feelings - this is such a lazy opinion. Turns out I'm a fairly gentle parent without actually knowing what this was at the time. Also turns out my DD is autistic. Happily for us this is really compatible style of parenting for her needs. She's not whiny or difficult. I've really enjoyed parenting. It worked for us.

It is all very well saying we should acknowledge a child's feelings and say that it is okay to feel that way. But sometimes it isn't okay. Far from it.

You do not want to affirm to a small child that it is acceptable (for instance) to be furiously enraged with another child and want to hit them repeatedly.

Sometimes you just have to tell them that those feelings are wrong.

It did happen actually.

On today's episode of things that actually didn't happen.

I think a lot of this is performative, to be honest. I've seen some real shockers when travelling on the train.

Latest one was a mum explaining to her 36 month-old (by looks) that if she didn't use "a quiet voice" there would be "special measures".

I was off at the next stop so never got to find out what the "special measures" were. Perhaps she had an Ofsted costume in her bag 😂

Who taught them?
Parents from their interactions with them and each other. The same than you teach respect, care or that violence/humiliation etc…. to your dc, whether you like it or not.
Sometimes, people learnt that later on. Because they’ve had therapy, read a lot around the subject but basically taught themselves.
Fir me, one big learning curve was learning about my emotionally immature parents and their impact on me.

You sound quite dubious. Maybe do some reading around psychology. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

That is hilarious - but it basically had exactly the same outcome as saying no, ie the child didn't get the sweets. So really it didn't matter how she phrased it, the outcome was the same.

The child wouldn't have been any less whiny/moany if she'd given him a straight no - if only a simple no put an end to whiny moaning, then no parent would ever lose their shit!

As a supply teacher OP the most challenging children were those whose parents didn't put the time and effort into them that they needed. They might mean they just let them do whatever they wanted for a quiet life, it might mean they said yes to everything for a quiet life or it might mean they yelled and threatened them to get them to quickly do what they wanted.

The problem isn't gentle parenting, it's any type of parenting where the parents aren't bothering to put time and effort into supporting and teaching their kids all the things they need to learn. Gentle parenting done properly actually requires plenty of time and effort.

That’s incredible! I wonder if he is asked to put his request in an email too 😂

I think “gentle parenting” needs a major re-brand. I was dubious about it until I read up more and tbh it’s not meant to be permissive parenting like many seem to think. It’s meant to be firm but fair.

*edit - at least that’s my understanding from what I’ve read.

Kids need discipline and boundaries. I wouldn’t ever have stood at the front door negotiating with either of my children about going out. I’m the parent. I’m in charge.

It all just seems to rear feral children. But each to their own. 🙄

Could you say more about the ones who are REALLY emotionally mature? They were taught to deal with their emotion, you say.

So who are they, who taught them, what age group and culture are they?

My experience is the opposite.
I have young adults that are now independent and hard working. They dint need anyone to tell them what’s ok or not ok.
They have boundaries whilst still being able to work WITH people, adjust and adapt, take other people ideas into account. Great for team work for example.

It’s only an issue if you assume that being ‘gentlest parented’ means never having to face difficulties or boubdaries, respect rules etc… But that’s not what it is about.

Mine would be - we brush our teeth twice a day, we say please and thank you, we treat others with respect and kindness. Yesterday my child was arguing about being allowed to cycle on a narrow verge next to a busy road. I just said “your safety is not up for debate” so I guess that was an example.

before anyone criticises this is not intended to be an exhaustive list but some examples off the top of my head.

Please could you kindly share some examples of your very hard boundaries?

I wish we could just parent children properly without all these damn labels.

I was parented with love, discipline, firm boundaries, a village that looked out for me and set me straight if needed. I was raised to have an opinion but be respectful of boundaries and authority etc...

I am now a confident, largely emotionally stable adult who manages to do well in work, friendships and have a great relationship with my parents, and I'm raising my child in the same fashion.

At this point, just some actual parenting would be useful in so many instances.

They are treated with respect though.

I don't think of myself as a gentle parenting afficionado, I believe children need firm boundaries and parents who aren't afraid to be unpopular. And yet I learned the hard way, through adopting my dc2 who is very disregulated, that traditional parenting just doesn't do it for some kids.

My dd needs high intensity parenting; it is absolutely exhausting. It is also very frustrating in the moment. I have learned that when she is disregulated there is absolutely no point making demands, disciplining or trying to talk to her. I have to be constantly thinking ahead to help her be able to make the right choices, to avoid her feeling cornered.

The sticky part is where it hits the outside world. I'm very aware that I'm preparing her for real life, in which she won't have people smoothing her path. I don't know if I always get it right. But I do know that it is utterly pointless to just expect her to shape up in the way my older child has.

I suppose what I'm doing is therapeutic parenting, which is not the same as lazy parenting. But I think it has enough in common with gentle parenting to make the point that traditional parenting doesn't always work. I'm also intensely annoyed by poorly parented kids, but IME that can happen with strict as well as with gentle parenting.