To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

I'm not sure if I do gentle parenting. I try and do calm, consistent parenting (though it can be exhausting!).

I certainly don't do 'I'll give you something to cry about' but I wasn't told that. And I was brought up in an authoritarian, shouty manner in the 1970s and 1980s.

I used to embrace gentle parenting. I believed Sarah Ockwell Smith wholeheartedly and tried earnestly to follow the principles.

I think there are a lot of problems with gentle parenting, though. It just didn’t work with DS, at all. Acknowledging his feeling - if he could hear me over the screams. Sleep training - we had to. It was severely impacting my mental health, my relationship, my job, my friendships, my sense of worth, and probably my safety.

Once I started to question it I started to see a lot wrong with it. The main thing is that whenever someone criticises it or questions whether it’s effective someone else pipes up that well, that’s not gentle parenting. I also don’t like the way that all feelings are seen as acceptable (and expressing them) - so for instance if my four year old wants some ice cream and I say no, I don’t mind ‘aww, I really wanted some.’ But if he’s whining for ages about it it’s easy for parents to think ‘ah but I upheld the boundary, I didn’t get him ice cream’ - yes, but whining and complaining is still something that most people won’t appreciate and that does need teaching.

You’re also (iirc) not supposed to use bribery in gentle parenting which I think is just making everyone’s life unnecessarily difficult !

Teen pregnancy has had slight rises in the last few years.

My Preschool child is perfectly capable of conversation on that level.

This is hardly new, though, is it? My husband and I worked this out with the help of a few popular books on bringing up children way back in the early 1990s. It wasn't called gentle parenting or any other sort of parenting. It's quite obvious that if you have as few rules as possible, limited to the really important stuff, you have a far greater chance of getting children to stick to them.

As for the idea that it's a new and revolutionary idea not to get cross with a toddler having a tantrum, that's just nonsense. My parents were born in the early 1930s and generally took a fairly authoritarian approach to childrearing, but they understood instinctively that tiny children having a tantrum were not being naughty. They need time to get over it and they need to be removed from anywhere they were unsafe or annoying other people.

I'm very sympathetic to parents with young children having a difficult time. I do, however, lose sympathy very quickly indeed when parents let their children behave in a way that is inconsiderate of other people, e.g. running around in shops and cafes. If we have to give this a label, I'd call it negligent parenting. These parents are not doing their children any favours.

I wish someone would explain it to me then, in ways other than what I see in the wild, which is mainly wimpy voices and very very long sentences "oh Jocasta you can't do that, can't you see Timmy is playing with that, he'll be really sad if you take it" from which Jocasta understands *take it" because she's 2.

Or you could learn the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

They are easy to distinguish between unless you’re choosing to be lazy and believe that they are the same.

But this is way too much language for a preschool child. They won't hear any of the feelings stuff because they can only remember 4 or 5 words.

I think we're beginning to find out as they trickle into the workplace.

The problem is that gentle parenting is wildly misunderstood and not done correctly. A gentle parent will still hold firm boundaries and have logical natural consequences. What is happening is actually permissive parenting which is very different and making teacher lives hell!

It's just not how it works in my house so my daughters know I am firm on boundaries but will always empathise where I can. It's transformative as it helps them deal with their feelings about it and move on very quickly from the no as they feel heard respected and understood.

Well you are partly right, but as well as saying the external behaviour is not OK, you need to explain to them that their internal furious rage is not OK either.

You don't want kids going round the playground with fists bunched as they try to control the urge to punch another kid in the face, you want them to not have that urge in the first place.

@ungratefulcat

Meanwhile my friend who was wildly strict with her children about everything couldn't control them near roads /water etc because they didn't see her being firm about that any different to her 80000 other rules.

Exactly. If parents say no to everything, children fairly quickly work out that most of the rules enforced are arbitrary, silly and unenforceable. It's a bit of a boy who cried wolf scenario.

I tell my children that all feelings e.g. anger are acceptable, emotion suppression helps no-one, what isn't acceptable is acting on it in negative ways eg shouting hitting etc. So we work on strategies to manage those big feelings. It's the work of a whole childhood and many finish childhood without these skills but this is more likely if they are told feelings are bad or not to feel their feelings.

Gentle parenting requires a lot of nos. I follow gentle parenting methods specifically because I like that it recommends firm boundaries.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean saying yes to everything. It means saying no in a way which is firm, kind, and respectful to the child. It means offering support instead of punishment for big feelings, without giving in to demands.

I would identify as a gentle parent. I say no plenty. In my better moments I aim to accompany this with an explanation of my reasoning and empathy if the no is difficult to hear. Just as I would for any other human being who I respected. And no not everything is a feeling based negotiation in my house although I am very proud of my daughters' emption regulation skills and negotiation skills and I like to think mine and my husband's parenting has had a role to play in that.

Road safety, food safety (they have allergies) , water safety. Eg. If they went near the sea before I was ready I was clear we would go straight home.

Those kind of things.

But they knew that if I was being very strict it was for their safety

Meanwhile my friend who was wildly strict with her children about everything couldn't control them near roads /water etc because they didn't see her being firm about that any different to her 80000 other rules.

It is acceptable to feel cross or thwarted - but certainly not the overwhelming rage exhibited by some small children. They need to learn to control their emotions and calm themselves down. They need to learn not to get angry like that. And how are they going to learn to do that if nobody tells them they should?

To me gentle parenting is respectful parenting. The awareness that your child is a human being who needs consideration while being aware it’s your job to teach them The skills of adulthood.

so not my dad saying to me “quit crying or ill give you something to cry about”. Lovely!

I pretty much agree with this.

Also for me I respect children as much as adults. But obviously sometimes have to say no (to both really)

I know, right?

The use of the phrase itself is very telling: it implies that its intrinsically wrong to be compassionate and considerate. Surely all parenting should be aiming to be "gentle". I don't want to rule my kid with a rod of iron and wallop her if she spills milk in the kitchen or forgets to do her homework. Call me a soft bleeding hearted liberal etc but I don't believe frightening children (or anyone) into doing what you ask is a great way to establish authority and build trust.

That doesn't mean I won't establish and enforce rules, I do. I have a long list of things I don't tolerate and punishment will be applied if they are broken. But that doesn't preclude me from compassion or discussion in the way I discharge them.

I find it really irritating that people start these threads all the time as if they're some huge "gotcha" which explain that this is the source of all the problems of youth. Parenting is far more complex than simply terrorising your kids into submission.

Why do you think parenting ability is declining?
Teen pregnancies are going down. Gen z are more able to talk about their mental health.

Lots of society things are getting worse like schools and youth clubs etc increasing pressure on families

I agree with the comments that true gentle parenting is what most sensible parents always did with great success. But they now give it a silly meaningless name and people interpret that as letting kids do what they want. You encourage explain, but there has to be some control or children can put themselves in danger or hurt others and are not prepared for rules that apply to school and adult life.

Some of the best gentle parenting advice I read was to say no very firmly to a situation early on if you felt that entering into negotiations or explanations was going to wind you up and cause you to feel angry.

The idea being that to parent with the level of patience required for gentle parenting, you need to be emotionally regulated and have strong boundaries around looking after yourself

Better to keep yourself calm than try to enter into a reasoned empathetic negotiation on an empty sleep deprived touched out tank.

Actual gentle parenting is very difficult to do in practice. It requires a lot of emotional work and effort.

Oh God not this again.

You're confusing gentle parenting, which can be firm and boundary driven but tries to avoid shouting or aggression, with permissive parenting, where there are no boundaries at all and often very few rules and minimal discipline.

It's perfectly possible to discipline your children effectively without frightening, bullying or threatening them.

Children who have no boundaries whatsoever don't do well. Children who are intimidated by their parents and punished arbitrarily without any discussion as to why they're being punished don't do well either.

I really wish people would learn the difference.