to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

Same here. Easier to make friends with a shared interest.
I will also say that being nice isn't enough to be my friend. Everyone's nice.
My friends have to be interesting and fun too.

Can definitely relate. I don't have loads of friends either but when I've reflected on this, I've realised that I'm more comfortable with 'acquaintancey' friends rather than 'close friends' who I would spill my heart to.

Most of it is due to a rather turbulant upbringing- had a parent with addiction issues so I had to be very secretive and wary of people in case people found about the addiction. (Yes, I know how weird and unhealthy this sounds!). So this basically led to me never having people over in my house when I was young and never being open. I was always on edge and anxious. (Not looking for sympathy. Just saying it as it's relevant to the thread).

As a result, I was so used to sorting problems out myself from a young age (e.g. literally hiding car keys ... throwing alcohol down the sink.... monitoring my parent so they wouldn't sneak alcohol) I am really independent and kind of repel anyone getting to close to me! So in a friendship I'm fairly guarded and immediately get into 'private mode' if someone starts asking me questions I'd consider to be private. The 'friend group' I'm on the edge of is the kind of group where members of the group are discussed by others in private, so I'm even more on edge with them because I'm so conscious about what I say/ do will be discussed later. I'm not giving out about anyone - I think that's fairly normal in friend groups but I just don't have the self confidence to know that things I say will be scrutinised after and discussed!

I am conscious that, in order to have friends, you need to open up so I really did try to and managed to tell a friend about a difficult situation I had in work. I didn't actually want any advice and just told her as I wanted to challenge myself to open up more. Total regret. She meant well but just kept going on and on and on about it, where in my head, I had dealt with the situation and it was sorted. Then she obviously told another friend about it and I got a not so random 'check in' text from the other friend, which really irritated me. And then a year later the initial friend I told the issue to would keep bringing it up at random intervals (e.g. 'god remember that awful boss you had') where I gritted my teeth and talked about it, but I really didn't want to!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm better off with acquaintances.

Everything changed for me when I started volunteering at my village hall afternoon teas and other community events. I find it much easier to make friends and keep up with contact when we have a joint interest or cause such as this. It’s made a huge difference.

I feel that the reality of life for most middle aged people is that they have one or in most cases more of careers, kids, aging parents, partners and health worries to contend with. People are preoccupied with their lives and accordingly friendships are not intense in the way they are for people in their teens or twenties.

While I recognise this was hurtful, can't you see it's also the result of the dynamic you've contributed to creating? You say you had literally never asked for help before in your life, and that you'd repeatedly dropped everything for her in the past. When you do that, over time, it becomes a situation where you become the helper/rescuer/shoulder to cry on, the one with no needs, while the relationship is all about the other person, who is the one with the emotions, problems, dilemmas etc.

@Chickenstewie - I am sorry you friend let you down. That’s horrible.

We have parties too, and people ask me when the next one is. They are a lot of work, and I am not sure people always appreciate that. But I enjoy them (eventually, after the usual panic stage) so I host them anyway.

I know that feeling! I was away with 3 of my friends when one of them mentioned a trip to Scotland. The organiser was one of the 3 and she said “I told everyone who came to my house”. I work f-t so rarely have the opportunity to go during the week. It makes you wonder if your friendship is valued ☹️ She didn’t then tell me about the trip so decided she didn’t want me there!
If it hadn’t have been mentioned I would never have known!

@WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor That’s not my friend at all - she remembers everything, does lots to nurture herself as well as care for others, and has friendships lasting 50 years. We may not see each other for a year or two, then it’s like we haven’t been apart at all.

She’s not a people pleaser and will turn you down if it doesn’t work for her. She’s just a great person to be around, so people value time with her.

I do know some people pleasers and I don’t really enjoy being with them. People who can’t assert their own needs are kind of wet, you know? I can’t have much faith in them because they’re too scared of offending others or letting them down to be their real selves.

Then there would only be me, dh and the children at the party 🤣

Well, we have them. We love having parties and hold some great ones for end of school year, Halloween, Christmas. People seem to look forward to them.

It would just be nice to be invited somewhere too, or have friendship in return.

I’m going through something horrific, which was at is peak a couple of months ago. Dh had to take the children somewhere for a sports thing, there was no choice and I didn’t want to sit in a hall full of sports parents when I couldn’t hold myself together.

I didn’t want to be alone. I really needed someone, just for a couple of hours. I had confided in a couple of people what was happening, I called one who lives a few doors down, just asking if she could pop round for a cup of tea while dh was out as I didn’t want to be alone, she knew what I was going through. She said she couldn’t as she was running low on cat food and had to pop Tesco. That’s the first time I have ever asked for any sort of help in my life, and she is someone I have happily dropped everything for a couple of times when she’s had bad news and needed someone there. I know she doesn’t owe me for that, but it was hurtful to get an excuse about going to the shops when I was distressed.

I could have written alot of these posts.

Like @WafflingDreamer, I have a job that involves talking to people, and in that environment, I can go and talk to anyone. However, put the same people in a social situation and I clam up.

My dh said he suspected I had adhd recently, and was surprised when I said possibly, although I think it’s more on the mild autistic side the spectrum rather than the hyperactive adhd end. (Sorry if that’s worded poorly).

I’ve never been part of the group that invites each other to New Year’s parties, trips to Ascot etc.

Could you say ‘ this year we’re only inviting friends who have reciprocated the invitation ‘

I have a friend like this (funny, charming, godmother to multitudes, sought after as a friend, easy to get on with instantly).

She’s also a massive people pleaser who exhausts herself being the life and soul, running herself ragged turning up, hosting, jumping out of a cake. I adore her but also realised that she actually leaves very little room a) for deeper friendships to develop - so when she manages to make time for me in her crazy schedule, she asks me the same questions from last time and the one before because she can’t take in the answers and

b) more importantly leaves no time for herself. She doesn’t engage with my questions about her life much and when she does open up under she admits she spends her life spinning plates and that things are always relentless and exhausting.

@Chickenstewie I find it extraordinary that people proactively message you to say “when’s your next party”! That’s so rude!

I’d reply - “we’re all hosted out for now! DP and I have agreed no more parties until a few folks have reciprocated!”

I’ve noticed in life that the two best friendship groups I’ve had and still have are when I put my brave face on and faked confidence and asked to join in, asked to go out with them. Then I’ve made the effort and integrated with the group/person. People wait for others to pull them into friendships but it doesn’t work like that. Mums stand on playgrounds alone waiting for others to chat to them. You have to put yourself out there. It IS an effort but then things worth having are, and once the initial effort is made then it gets easier.
The best kind of friends are funny, self depreciating, let themselves be vulnerable at times and share about their life, kind, loving, accepting, fun.
I see people post “I’m polite and nice, why don’t I have friends” that’s not enough for a meaningful friendship. People will make small talk with them but it won’t go beyond that

Friendship is complicated and involves a lot of skills, maybe you need to work on some of these? There are loads of podcasts about friendship that I think unlock and decode a lot of stuff about how to make friends. I think as adults we can choose to prioritise friendships and to do the stuff you need to do to make them happen. This has definitely been my own experience.

I feel like this too, similar age, similar experiences. I get on well with colleagues at a surface level. I hope I am kind and thoughtful.

Tbh I have given up on friendships to an extent. I had some amazing friends at uni and in my 20s. I do also recognise that to a certain extent it is me..... I have had some horrible experiences with people, some big bereavements and losses. I don't actually fully trust the majority of people now , and subconsciously I expect that I push people away to maintain my own safety.
It is lonely though at times.

I am soon to be 50 and can't make the jump from acquaintance to proper friend. I think I struggle to open up to people about myself, which does keep it on a very superficial level, and probably lack confidence socially. I also think I am not that interesting or funny or can offer much in the way of friendship as I am an introvert. I would dearly love some good friends locally though - I've no idea how to get past these issues.

Not unreasonable to feel hurt, I am the same. I had lots of friends when younger but as an adult it is a very different story. I have some longstanding friendships whom I see 1-1 a couple of times a year but like a pp it can feel like a few hours of cramming in updates, not much deep chat, and I can leave feeling even more disconnected!

I did have a couple of local friendships and neighbours, through the kids, but they have waned as we've got older.

For me a late autism diagnosis has explained so much, I now give myself grace and don't chase or instigate. I do feel lonely a lot, however I find friendship very draining in general so at the moment I am sitting with the loneliness and just trying to accept myself and my needs more. Funnily enough I have found that the loneliness is not limited to actually being alone; I have felt lonely in friendships too. Fortunately I have a great DH but sometimes that is not enough. It's hard.

Same, sure I’m asd. I wonder sometimes if I’m not fun enough 😂

Ditto, sure I’m asd and I’m the same.

I’ve never been able to work it out.

People seem to genuinely like me, I’m friendly, I help them out. I’m already getting messages asking if we are going to have a party soon that we do annually. But I am never seen as an actual friend.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. You’ve just perfectly described my thoughts.

I'm a bit like this too - have some long established friends who include me but I have never been able to make that jump with adult/work friends to being part of a 'circle'.

I don't think you have to become comedian-level funny at all. Just the ability to make wry comments about modern life, work, parenting, the weather etc is helpful.

Like a previous poster I have known people who were lovely kind people but just presented as very bland - maybe out of lack of social confidence . It did limit their friendship opportunities.