to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

I do want more friends but I think I am shite in group settings.

I think not wanting to talk about your kids closed you off from a huge connection in your relationships. Do you not have any mum friends, friends of your dc? If you never spoke about the one thing that most people have you isolated yourself.

Ditto, sure I’m asd and I’m the same.

Well, we have them. We love having parties and hold some great ones for end of school year, Halloween, Christmas. People seem to look forward to them.

It would just be nice to be invited somewhere too, or have friendship in return.

I’m going through something horrific, which was at is peak a couple of months ago. Dh had to take the children somewhere for a sports thing, there was no choice and I didn’t want to sit in a hall full of sports parents when I couldn’t hold myself together.

I didn’t want to be alone. I really needed someone, just for a couple of hours. I had confided in a couple of people what was happening, I called one who lives a few doors down, just asking if she could pop round for a cup of tea while dh was out as I didn’t want to be alone, she knew what I was going through. She said she couldn’t as she was running low on cat food and had to pop Tesco. That’s the first time I have ever asked for any sort of help in my life, and she is someone I have happily dropped everything for a couple of times when she’s had bad news and needed someone there. I know she doesn’t owe me for that, but it was hurtful to get an excuse about going to the shops when I was distressed.

I feel this way too mid 40s. I have about 7 really close friends, but they have families and other friends.

I am quiet but a slow burner. Takes me a while to warm up. I don’t know why and I think that’s the reason. Also better in small groups. I am funny, kind and love to chat.

i joined Meetup and that has increased my circle.

@KatherineofGaunt I am partially deaf and everything you’ve said relates to me. I don’t tend to tell anyone as I’m self conscious about it but it makes it so difficult to manage in a social situation in any group more than 2 really as I struggle to follow conversation. Also quite lonely!

If you haven't read it, I strongly suggest you read When Marnie Was There. A kids' book but it is so lovely about friendship, loneliness, belonging, feeling loved, and realising that you are actually loved, appreciated and enough and not "on the outside of the circle" when everyone else is normal/on the inside. Way ahead of its time. Great for kids just coming up to puberty too.

“She knew perfectly well that things like parties and best friends and going to tea with people were fine for everyone else, because everyone else was "inside"--inside some sort of invisible magic circle. But Anna herself was outside. And so these things had nothing to do with her. It was as simple as that.”

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/when-marnie-was-there-book-joan-g-robinson-9780007591350

There’s a lady on our group who you’ve just described, everyone finds it so hard to get past the “ hi, hello, how are you” and she is always inviting people to her house and nobody goes.

There is nothing “wrong” with her at all nobody can get beyond surface level conversation.

I can’t even help define the difference, I don’t thing she shares an awful lot of opinions, thoughts, doesn’t start conversations, doesn’t really get involved just kind of listens and sits and waits for her to be bought into the conversation, I have noticed she doesn’t laugh and looked quite puzzled sometimes.

She is on her phone lots in group settings, so it’s hard, everyone is kind, eveyone try’s but I’m trying to put my finger on why she is different.

I have never been someone to talk about my kids, ever, and I find other people talking about theirs relentlessly really boring. My kids are now in their late teens anyway, so I can talk about them in a general sense, the difficulties of raising young adults, empty nest, etc, but won't go on and on about them.

I suspect I might be a bit intense in that I like authenticity and I am probably superficially not fun. Interestingly enough, I need a degree of safety to be fun, and this rarely happens.

I have a 'people pleaser' acquaintance similar to one mentioned up thread. One that asks the same questions over and over to appear interested but doesn't really listen to the answers because their brains are scattered. I recently asked her if she fancied a coffee. Instead of saying she was a bit busy and suggest another time, she said 'sure but it will have to be here because I am in the middle of a whole bunch of stuff...' I appreciate that she might have felt under pressure to fit me in because I suggested coffee, but to me it made me feel like an inconvenience. I definitely try to be far more attuned and attentive than that.

I’ve noticed this in work settings too. There always seems to be one person who thrives on performative socialising. At my current job, there’s someone like that who seems to constantly need attention and adoration. I see right through it and refuse to play along, but everyone else seems to fall in line. It’s like she’s built herself a following, and people act like her cheerleaders. I don’t understand it. She’s not particularly skilled or insightful, just loud and always performing.
I’m professionally competent, emotionally grounded, and I don’t feel the need to fawn. But I can’t help noticing that once again I seem to be on the periphery for not buying into it. It’s not that I’m cold or difficult, I just can’t do the constant approval-seeking thing. I feel like being discerning and self-contained ends up costing me socially, and I don’t know what to do with that.
Does anyone else find this? That refusing to engage in that kind of group dynamic means you end up excluded, even when you’re perfectly likeable and good at your job?

Sorry you had that experience growing up. I can absolutely understand how that shapes you and your interactions.

I completely get the going into "private mode" in case you reveal anything that is exposing or makes you too vulnerable. I get that too. And as you say, the one time you do it, you rang up regretting it. So you go back to the blue print method. It's tricky.

I also totally get not wanting the "checking in" thing, it feels suffocating and a continual reminder of a problem that you've already put to bed. I had that with I confided in a friend that I was having some bad days mental health wise once. The constant "how are you feeling? Remember this is temporary, just try to make yourself a cuppa and get yourself out of bed. " And I was thinking 'ive already long been out of bed, ferried two children to school, prepared tea and cleaned the house " I know people mean well but I just wanted to forget and move on from the bad days I was having (internally) I really didn't want advice or to keep droning on about it. I think we are in a toxic time of feeling we must "give advice " whenever anyone presents a problem. Sometimes you just want to get a quick confession of your chest and have someone listen, then go back to talking about normal stuff together.

I don’t think this is about introverts versus extroverts. It’s more about how certain styles of interacting tend to be more socially rewarded, especially in group settings like work. Being warm, visible, and socially active is often seen as more engaging or likeable, even if it’s not always backed by much substance. That’s not a criticism of anyone’s personality, it’s just an observation about how group dynamics can work.
The thread started from a feeling of being on the edge of things despite being capable, supportive, and steady. It’s not about resenting others for being confident or outgoing, it’s about the quiet disappointment of not being actively chosen or included when you’re not part of that more visible or performative style. Just sharing an experience that I know others sometimes relate to.