to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

This is also me, I get along pretty well with most people. When I'm around them regularly they seem to be really close friends (weddings/personal conversations/nights out etc.) but as soon as whatever factor meant that we interacted regularly is removed (school, study, work etc.) is no longer there it's immediately like "out of sight out of mind" even when they keep up with others from the friendship group. I've gotten used to the pattern over the years to be honest. There are definitely people out there who just draw people to them despite seemingly zero effort to do so!

That's a good post, @hydriotaphia. I often think that one of the other things that friendship struggles threads have in common on here is people who feel isolated not thinking of other people as individuals rather than some kind of generic mass called 'other people', and friendship as something equally generic that's passed around among 'other people' like paper money.

I think it makes a lot of sense to focus on what you need as an individual in a friendship, recognise that there are lots of types of people you won't get along with (just as there are lots of people who won't get along with, or want to befriend, you) and focus on potential relationships that look likely to provide what you need. And thinking about what went right in past friendships is a good place to start.

And I think that the post @ZippyPeer 's post is responding to is a good example of someone coming to false conclusions about 'other people' and what 'other people' would consider 'boring'. Not only do I not have the remotest interest in musicals (other than Sondheim), reality tv, spas, gyms, beach holidays etc, I don't know anyone who does, and I have a lot of friends. (Well, OK I have one couples therapist friend who has a slightly shamefaced addiction to Married At First Sight.) Don't decide you are 'boring' based on some generalisation about 'things normal people like'!

I struggled with friendships as a child and well into my twenties. Then one day I decided I’d had enough of trying so hard. I also realised my parents were very poor role models and hadn’t helped me at all - I was an only child with no cousins or pets. No effort was made to socialise me, no play dates (in fact, quite the opposite) so I went off to uni without a clue about how to make or stay friends.
Anyway, once I stopped trying so hard things got better. I also realised being too nice puts people off. You need to have a bit of zest. A bit of a side. Not nasty or unkind, obviously, but a bit naughty perhaps and a good sense of humour. Make jokes at own expense and be prepared to take the lead sometimes. But not always! It’s a balance.
Also being adaptable - one friend likes to go for a curry so we often do that. But not every time.
Another friend likes shopping so we do that. But not every time.
Sometimes we do what I like.
Basically, try not to overthink it, be yourself and be confident.
Be prepared to take the lead sometimes. I find my social life goes in peaks and troughs. When it’s in a trough, I instigate a lot. Often there then follows a busy patch and then mostly, for rest of the time it’s a happy medium of being invited / doing the inviting.

Also, I don't think there is anything inherently rude about bringing a third person into a conversation as you describe, or that this is necessarily an indication that the person you are talking to dislikes you.

I guess what I am saying is that rather than trying to fix every social interaction (it may not be possible for you to be friends with all the people you find are not currently your friend) try to find out what DOES work for you, friendship-wise, and focus on that. As you point out, if you are not interested in sports, you may not have much to say to someone who is interested in talking about this, so why try to force it?

This describes me as well. Coincidentally something I have been pondering on lately too.
I have friends who started out as work colleagues but I now regard as my friends as we have not worked together for years but we still get together and my best friend from school.
Others more recent than that ie from the gym and from my DC school, at the time I would go for coffee, we would go out to eat etc, I moved away and I kept in touch and ask after their DC and grandkids etc and then I posted an update about my DS on our whatsapp group and they all read it and no one even bothered to respond. It was at that point I gave up and haven't contacted them since nor have I had any messages from them either.
I'll just stick with the people who include me from now on. I really cant be bothered to make new friends now - it all seems superficial.

'I think what I am realising though is that I am exceedingly boring. I don't really enjoy things that a lot of people seem to love, like musicals, going to the gym, reality tv, spa days, beach holidays, drinking, sports, parties...When it's football season, or Wimbledon, or even the Olympics, I literally have nothing to say as I have zero interest in it, I don't follow any sports and I don't support anyonet'

Honestly I'm not in to any of those either and I don't think that makes me boring.

You have your own interests, maybe you need to find more people who like talking about arts and crafts, or just stuff that is not on the above list!

(Do you live in a rural area OP? I used to and it was much harder to find people who were 'my tribe')

What about Parkrun or a similar running club?

OP for your situation in particular, I think maybe you could try considering what friendships or social interactions have gone right in your lifetime and trying what the common factor was, and also trying to work out what you value in others and focusing your efforts on cultivating friendships with people who have qualities you like.

It's impossible to tell without meeting you what, if anything, is going wrong in your interactions. In general I would say you could stop thinking of "friendship" as an interchangeable commodity that can be handed out by anyone, and focus on the individual and unique bond between you and another /others.

It sounds like you are quite particular about what you will tolerate in others (eg not liking a fake-seeming extrovert or people talking about their kids) which is fine but maybe this means you are not the kind of person who is extremely tolerant and flexible and will find the good in anyone (which is ultimately what you need to be the kind of person who gets along with anyone). So rather being frustrated with others for not bonding with you (which may be a two way street that is no one's fault) maybe try working out what you need to bond and cultivate those relationships?

Yes, except the opposite of 'people-pleasing' isn't 'selfish', either -- it's just making sure your own needs are met, which is just the sign of an ability to find a healthy balance between your needs and other people's.

And yes to the common theme in so many of these threads about friendships struggles being 'But I'm a nice person, who is a good listener and will do anything for anyone -- why doesn't anyone want to be my friend?' Friendship isn't a transaction where you give out 'niceness' or services' and get 'friendship' back, like double-entry bookkeeping.

If someone I knew gave me a lift to the hospital in an emergency situation, I would be grateful and thank them properly once the crisis had passed, but it wouldn't turn a slight acquaintanceship into a friendship. Unless we somehow also realised, while breaking speeding rules to A and E down the hard shoulder, that we also got along like a house on fire (which in the circumstances would be a fairly unlikely realisation).

I may come to value your kindness, patience etc once we are already friends, but they aren't going to make me befriend you in the first place.

I dont like any of those things you mention. So I find friends in my book clubs, choir and heritage groups.
I like reading, local history and architecture.
You dont have to drink and party to have friends.

So I could say exactly the same .
But it's my own fault
I'm diagnosed autistic,and will only meet friends at the same time each day ,in one or two different places ..well mainly one place ,even the same seat .
so it generally is me doing the inviting.
But I've found I end up cancelling when they invite,as I end up agreeing to meet when I don't really want to ..
Looking back there's been long periods of time where I had no friends at all, because I had a job I loved and a boyfriend,and that was enough,I wasn't thinking..oh I've no friends,

Also - think about what you actually enjoy, not what you think you should enjoy because everyone else is doing it.
Birthday get togethers for 3 is a bit crap. Better arrange a night out at a bar, cinema, meal, walk in the hills, what would you all enjoy? If there’s nothing you can think of you all enjoy do it with one at a time.
Or do something you enjoy and ask them individually if they want to join you

Could you be a bit of a people pleaser OP?

I notice very often on these sorts of threads people list their "nice" qualities (good listener, patient, kind etc). These are all important qualities for friendship, but I think sometimes people assume that they are enough on their own. They're not.

Kindness, patience etc are important rules of conduct in friendship but there's something else which you need. There's a chemistry, almost like with a romantic relationship (except without the sex). And that depends, in part, on allowing yourself to be a bit selfish, to allow the real "you" to show through.

People who are only about making others feel comfortable actually end making them feel drained and exhausted. This may not be you and I may be being unfair but there were a couple of tell-tale signs in your post. I can't help noticing that a lot of these threads are started by people who expect friendship as a quid pro quo for being "nice". It doesn't really work like that.

Real friendship is either there or its not, you can't really force it. But you have a better chance at finding it if you allow yourself to be a bit more real and open and worry less about how you come across and what other people need.

Ironically, being more selfish may actually do you a favour.

Stop being “nice” just be yourself. (And fun if you can - I’m much wittier when I’m me and not being nice).

I saw a video online about a woman talking about being a floater friend. It basically describes someone who is liked, there’s not necessarily any reason for it, but they are no one’s “best friend” and are usually not the first person someone wants to speak to or see socially.

One sided friendships are really hard, I know I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I’m guilty of not putting in the effort to some friends and I’m also guilty of being hurt by people I thought I was close to not make any effort to see me.

I honestly don’t think you need a circle of 10 friends. One or two close friends who you can rely on is enough. If you do feel like you are making more effort, talking to your friend if you’ve been friends a while and previously close might help get things back on track.

Sometimes I feel like being too available can make people put less effort in, you’re always there so people can pick you up and drop you

What’s really good though is how you recognise why, that even though you wish things were different sometimes you still acknowledge why it doesn’t happen for you.

Ha!!! looks like so many people are in the same boat!!
I'm uninteresting, sulky, easily offended , jealous and really cannot talk for very long about myself as there's zero of interest to mention!! I can disguise my true self for a while but the truth always comes out in the end!!
I like the idea of all these friends and invites but in reality I think I just want to be asked I don't actually want to go!!
I don't really have proper friends just acquaintances to have the odd coffee with but I do have female relatives who are pretty nice to me and I notice they are so confident about talking about themselves . I really admire that even though I also find it incredible the amount of detail they can go into!!
Sorry I realise this isn't a good contribution to make to the thread - just reiterating my own issues I guess!!

It’s just an easy way of bonding for most people.

@WhoAteTheLastBrownie yes thats hurtful. I remember good advice on here dial back the friendship/match the energy. Im not chasing people anymore. Im not great in big groups. I just meet one to one now. We do coffee or cinema. Find big gangs very clicky

Same. I know I have ADHD (don't wish to diagnose as it's going 'out of fashion ') but some mild autistic traits too (wouldn't meet diagnosis threshold) it does explain an awful lot. Especially the rules thing, where they get something that you don't.

@Aozora13

“Always felt like there were “rules” which other people knew but I didn’t. ”

That so resonates with me.