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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

188 replies

Sulking · 11/06/2025 07:34

I know this is going to be controversial.

But me, DH and the kids have always had the tradition of going for a family day out to the zoo on the same weekend every year. My parents took me and my siblings to the same zoo every year growing up and even into our teens/adult lives until we had families of our own we started taking our own families.

anyway; one year DH invited his dad and sister and I thought yes that’s fine, one year every so often won’t bother me..

ever since, they’ve asked which day we’re going and will come with us; I did say last year to DH that the next time I would like to go just as our family again as I feel like it’s not our day anymore. The kids end up going off with DH sister and it just doesn’t feel the same.

Come to this year; they’ve asked again what day we’ll be going. DH doesn’t want to say anything and feel awkward now; and so do I.. but I just want us to have that special day of just us back again. I’m not saying they can’t come again another year but I feel like they’ve intruded into our families day 😅

DH dad and sister come to our house nearly every weekend at some point for a catch up and coffee. So it’s not as if we never see them. We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them, but it makes me feel like I’m being a cow. I can’t explain it.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 11/06/2025 08:53

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2025 08:42

Because she doesn’t get the special day with her kids that she loves?
this is totally fair op, say the zoo is just going to be us.

Well how old is she? Nine? Because if your biggest problem is not getting the exact family day you wanted then you’re lucky.

By the way I grew up with a mum like this and who is still like this. She likes to get the balance right by excluding some members of the family for things because she’d just prefer it if it was just x, x and x or whatever to make it more special. She’s not good at welcoming in-laws to the family at all. It’s really hurtful and stupid and the only one who it benefits is her.

Ellie1015 · 11/06/2025 08:52

I understand how you feel but sounds like fil and sil now also treasure this day out. I would continue and start a new family tradition as a 4.

harriethoyle · 11/06/2025 08:51

I think this is so sad for your kids. Your #makingmemories hashtag more important than spending time with their extended family. Just find another event to do as a foursome if it’s that important to you but honestly. It’s petty AF.

Poynsettia · 11/06/2025 08:51

Stay home -who wants to walk round the zoo without kids. Let them do it.

Needmorelego · 11/06/2025 08:50

Do you not consider them part of your family?
Would your feelings be different if it was your dad and sister?
Unless they are absolutely horrible people then I don't see the issue.
It's a family day. They are family.

Glowingup · 11/06/2025 08:49

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:37

Is there nothing that some people won't lie about, rather than addressing a situation honestly?

Well I mean saying “we don’t want you to come and we haven’t for the past three years” isn’t likely to go down well.

Endofyear · 11/06/2025 08:48

I think it's a bit difficult to explain it's a special family day if they've come with you for the last 4 years! Also if your DH and children enjoy having them there, it's really just you who doesn't want them along?

RareGoalsVerge · 11/06/2025 08:46

Reply to their queries with "we're not sure. We might go on either 23rd or 30th August or we might not go at all this year. There's a complicated work situation which makes it tricky to plan" -

(then actually go on 16th)

Starlight1984 · 11/06/2025 08:45

Glowingup · 11/06/2025 08:15

If you can’t say it yourself then don’t expect your DH to tell them. If my DP wanted to exclude my family but didn’t want to say it himself and expected me to do it I’d tell him to fuck off. Either own it and explain you don’t want them to come or just let them come.

I honestly couldn’t get worked up about it. Maybe be grateful that you have close family who care about you and your kids - not everyone does. And your kids love them too - you’re the one who’s put out and at your age you should be able to deal with the fact that not everything goes your way 100% of the time. You sound a bit jealous that the kids go off with your SIL as well.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Everyone else seems to enjoy spending this day together apart from you?!

heroinechic · 11/06/2025 08:44

It sounds like everyone wants them to go along except you. It’s still a family day out!

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:43

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2025 08:42

Because she doesn’t get the special day with her kids that she loves?
this is totally fair op, say the zoo is just going to be us.

She should have spoken up four years ago if it's that important.

BIossomtoes · 11/06/2025 08:43

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2025 08:42

Because she doesn’t get the special day with her kids that she loves?
this is totally fair op, say the zoo is just going to be us.

Not after four years it isn’t.

Didimum · 11/06/2025 08:43

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:41

Is he going to be struggling to connect with his family every year on an ongoing basis then?

Who knows. Maybe it will break the cycle. Or DH can then say it was great for quality time that he struggles to maintain so they can start some other yearly tradition with FIL and sister.

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:43

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:41

Is he going to be struggling to connect with his family every year on an ongoing basis then?

Sorry, I quoted you before you edited. I agree with your last paragraph.

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2025 08:42

BIossomtoes · 11/06/2025 07:38

Why not start a new day out “tradition” for your own family and continue to invite them for this one? They obviously had a lovely time. It feels mean to exclude them from something they enjoy.

Because she doesn’t get the special day with her kids that she loves?
this is totally fair op, say the zoo is just going to be us.

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:41

Didimum · 11/06/2025 08:39

Feelings will be hurt otherwise. The consequences of a lie on this kind far outweighs the risk of the deception.

OP knows her in-laws best.

but do I think OP should just suck it up and accept the zoo day is now for the wider family? Yes.

Edited

Is he going to be struggling to connect with his family every year on an ongoing basis then?

RentalWoesNotFun · 11/06/2025 08:40

Your dh has messed this up for you.
It’s become a new tradition that’s been going on too long so you need to break it sneakily. You can just refuse after they’ve been looking forward to it and it’s the fourth year in a row! That’ll cause fall outs.

Id suggest you go this year with them
AND potentially go yourselves again as a family in the early autumn.

When you go with them this year mention that next year you “fancy the safari park or aquarium” (or a different zoo you fancy)for next year anre they up for trying that and start a new tradition. Thus leaving you free to continue yours. Nobody’s upset or left out. You have a new extended family tradition.

Didimum · 11/06/2025 08:39

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:37

Is there nothing that some people won't lie about, rather than addressing a situation honestly?

Feelings will be hurt otherwise. The consequences of a lie on this kind far outweighs the risk of the deception.

OP knows her in-laws best.

but do I think OP should just suck it up and accept the zoo day is now for the wider family? Yes.

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:39

LoveWine123 · 11/06/2025 08:36

This is really on you for not speaking up the first time. You have let it go on for 4 years and it will sound really weird if after all this time you suddenly start saying it’s just for your family. They will feel excluded and as if they have done something wrong to now be told they can’t come after 4 years. It also looks like you are the only one with the problem so for everyone’s sake you should let it go and just enjoy the time together. Don’t create drama and upset out of what sounds like a really nice day spent with your wider family.

Exactly.

Tourmalines · 11/06/2025 08:38

watersoul · 11/06/2025 08:37

Wow the things that trouble some people. Just feel lucky they can and want to spend time with you and your children.

Agree with this .

watersoul · 11/06/2025 08:37

Wow the things that trouble some people. Just feel lucky they can and want to spend time with you and your children.

ilovesooty · 11/06/2025 08:37

Didimum · 11/06/2025 08:27

Have your DH make up some white. That he’s been struggling to connect with you and kids lately due to stress at work, blah blah. That he’d prefer to have the quality time with you and kids on that day. Then invite them to something additional.

Is there nothing that some people won't lie about, rather than addressing a situation honestly?

LoveWine123 · 11/06/2025 08:36

This is really on you for not speaking up the first time. You have let it go on for 4 years and it will sound really weird if after all this time you suddenly start saying it’s just for your family. They will feel excluded and as if they have done something wrong to now be told they can’t come after 4 years. It also looks like you are the only one with the problem so for everyone’s sake you should let it go and just enjoy the time together. Don’t create drama and upset out of what sounds like a really nice day spent with your wider family.

Dominicus · 11/06/2025 08:36

Go somewhere else with them. Maybe a castle, aquarium, country park or another zoo and say “we’re planning on going here. Would you like to come to this instead?”

InfiniteArmyofOctopi · 11/06/2025 08:33

Glowingup · 11/06/2025 08:21

Exactly. If they have been asking what day you’re going then they clearly don’t even known when this special event is on so just say we’re going on the 14th of June or whatever and have your zoo day with them then and then go to the special event on your own.

I’m struggling to think of what sort of event at a zoo would be so amazing that you absolutely have to go to it every year.

It's not about it being amazing though, is it? It's about it being a family tradition.
There's a village fete near us that we go to every year. I would by no stretch of the imagination call it amazing. But I went as a child and took my children, so it is a lovely tradition.