To not want DH dad and sister to come to the zoo.

I think it's a shame that you feel the way you do, sometimes these things happen without even realising and you find yourself saying yes to keep people happy only to reflect later and it's difficult to back track. I'd be disappointed too as I do love a family tradition. For what it's worth, I don't imagine FIL or auntie are particularly attached to the zoo event. I suspect they just love spending time with the family and seeing the kids enjoy the day out so it's something to look forward to for them. I don't think it would be a problem to perhaps start something new with them and have that be their thing. I can't imagine my mum or sister being upset if I went to them and said something like, this is going to sound a bit silly/completely ridiculous but the zoo event was a family tradition that we've followed since I was a child, it's always been really special to me and it's something I'd love to continue doing with just the kids but I just didn't know how to say before now because I know you had a great time before. We're going to go alone this year but I think it's great spending a special day together, the kids love a day trip out with you both so let's do [special summer event] instead. It's clear from the posts on this thread that everyone would look at this differently but I think my family would be fine with a change of plan and would completely understand if you explained it the way you have here. I know I'd never want to intrude on someone else's tradition.

Your SIL took your kids off somewhere without you when this is meant to be YOUR day with your children. Your FIL's presence means you sit and have coffee (doing what HE wants) instead of doing the walking around that you and the kids want to do. Their presence is totally changing the event for you and you are being sidelined at your own family event. This is not ok. It's ok for you to say, this event is meant to be a tradition for me, dh, and our kids because it's something I did with my parents as a child. I agreed to include you one year and unfortunately now I feel a bit sidelined from my own tradition. I include you in lots of our other family activities but I would like to keep this one for me.

Just let them come OP! The more the merrier 😊

plus you don’t want to piss off people who (presumably) babysit for you sometimes 😜

@purpleme12

yeah but they’re family too aren’t they?

"We arrange other days out through the year with them so it’s not as if I’m trying to not see DH family. But I just want this day for us without them ..." (OP)

So he'd rather let you down?!

They are your family too though. I could understand it if you didn’t get on, but as you do, more people to make it fun for your ds sounds great. So maybe just enjoy being part of a bigger family ? Are your parents close by ? If so ask them too maybe ?

just say literally that its just going to be you going and maybe they'd like to all going and do something in July - can you all think of something that would be good to do all together as a family outing - water park or adventure stuff?

"Actually we were going to do a beach day this year instead, are you free on x date?"

Then do the zoo trip by yourselves anyway.

Can I just check something? Do your parents go to this day at the zoo as well because it was their tradition that you carried on? I think that if your parents do go, it will be more difficult to say no to DH's dad and sister but if they don't go, you are not being unreasonable if you want to go just with your DH and your children, particularly if FIL's poor mobility slows things down and stops you doing things that you would normally have done.

Your inlaws are being thoughtless. You were kind enough to include them on a special family tradition one time and now they think they can be included every time. The very next time they ask about the zoo, you need to set a firm boundary. It will only get more awkward the longer this drags on.

I also struggle with conflict, but you must ask yourself this: Will you be more upset by kindly explaining this is a family tradition that you'd like to keep or letting them come along and change the dynamic?

As you've said, your children end up going off with your SIL, and it changes the entire tone of the day. As the mother of a teen, I look back and wish I had protected some of those special moments more because your children are only little for a small period of time and you should not feel guilty about wanting some things to be just for your immediate family.

I don't agree that you would be mean to tell your FIL and SIL that they can't come. They are being rude by assuming they will get to tag along. I also think that if you go twice just to accomodate them, going to the zoo will no longer be such an exciting tradition for your children, and will take away from that tradition you cherish.

Maybe think about it this way - for your kids, the tradition has become that you go to this event with grandad and aunty.

Can you come up with a day out that suits DFIL better and change it in the guise of helping him. There must be something fun.

Then without telling them just do a day at zoo. For your family.

They’re trying to control the situation by making you feel guilty - if you don’t go, neither will they. You need to push back and explain that this has been a long standing family tradition - just you, DH and the kids - and you’d like to keep it that way. There’s nothing wrong with that, and if they don’t understand or get the hump, that’s on them not you.

have two days at the zoo. One with just you, DH and kids, and the other for wider family.

Family traditions evolve & change the bigger the family becomes. I find it's those who have a desire to keep everything the same are the people who can't accept nothing ever stays the same. They become intolerant of new circumstances which can have a knock on effect on everyone.

Well you don't have to stick together the whole time. I'd find a nice place for him to be and then come and go - meet up for coffee / lunch / check in to tell him about the stuff you're doing. Definitely no reason to just sit around for the day if there's loads to do. Or... rent a wheelchair?

Given that FIL is elderly and doesn’t walk much potentially you could reframe it and say - we are worried all the walking is a bit much for FIL, would he prefer to do a family theatre trip/some other less mobile trip instead?

Or whilst FIL has a rest break, you take the kids to an activity and meet back with them. Oh FIL/SIL while you enjoy a coffee we are just going to the craft station, meet you back here in 30mins/an hour.

Why is it letting her down? They are still going the children enjoy having their extended family there.
Families change, they grow and evolve.
Eg I used to love Christmas with just my children , but I welcomed their partners when they had them and also their partners parents . Now we have different Christmases nothing stays the same for ever.

It sounds as though your children enjoy their grandad and auntie being included and perhaps they see them being included as part of the tradition. How would they feel if you excluded them now?
I think perhaps you should continue with the tradition of going with grandad and auntie and then find another tradition just for your immediate family.

Well, there's all sorts of things that can change the vibe.

Person A wants to all eat together, Person B won't eat spicy food, Person C wants everyone to be at the Penguin feeding in 30m etc.

My ILs do a big family holiday with their best friends and children etc, and honestly the faffing involved in all of them trying to get an option that suits everyone every single day is maddening.

Since it's been four years, I think OP does need to face facts that she's let them become part of this tradition, but I can absolutely see how extra people spoils the vibe (especially since it was OP's family tradition in the first place).

I'm keen to have traditions on both sides but also stuff that's just us.

TBH I feel it is going to be difficult to un-invite them now that they have been invited once and are keen to do it again. Personally to avoid hurt feelings I would keep asking them along and just do something different with just your immediate family another time.

Seriously just say this next zoo trip is just us but we can all go together in (month) or indeed you could take the kids then and give DH and me a day off.

Set up a tradition with just them and you guys doing something else,then hopefully they forget about the zoo , especially if you make a fuss about the new tradition including them