Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

Well I think this is his OW not just some random "single woman" he is subletting from.

Have you seen a photo of her yet?

The arrangement Sucks OP.

Sounds like he listened which is nnice, I would have vetoed that from the start tbh

@gannett I agree. Having meals, watching TV and drinking wine with your lodger is an entirely normal thing to do! Why would people rather he shut himself away in his room like a recluse? A friend of mine has had multiple lodgers and did social stuff like this with all of them, male and female. If my partner (or I) had to work away I know I’d rather he found a nice person to lodge with that he could also develop a friendship with than somewhere he was confined to a bedroom with no company, and vice versa.

Are you a regular poster who has namechanged?

Is your DH a certain type of Police Officer?

I think id be more worried about my partner staying in a hotel! Call girl central...

I can imagine the situation the other way round.

MN would be telling DH to suck it up, trust his wife, accept the sacrifices she's making by having to work away from home and stop trying to control her.

I get that OP is uncomfortable and DH is doing what's necessary to make her more comfortable. She has the decency to understand that accommodating her concerns is sub-optimal for him.

What I don't get is PPs consider that eating and cooking together in a shared household is a heinous crime that can only lead to infidelity (even if just mental), rather than friendship. It's rather demeaning to the OP (and most woman) that the husbands they chose are apparently so awful.

Eating and watching TV together is something I wouldn't have had a problem with when we were dating, as we all lived in house shares and that was pretty normal.
But after 25 years of marriage, no, I wouldn't like it so much.

Hi OP. I'm glad your DH is looking elsewhere.

I spent years working in an industry where working away from home was a regular part of the job. Marriages suffered, even the good ones. Affairs were commonplace.

Nurturing relationships needs intimacy, closeness and regular communication. Prolonged periods of separation don't allow for this. Even if there aren't cracks, weaknesses can develop over time.

So it's good that he's acting on your concerns but I'd urge you to get the long term situation sorted out

My ex DH worked away a lot. I made my own life Monday to Friday as I had to. I started to resent his disrupting my lifestyle when he rocked up late on a Friday with a suitcase of washing. I started to find it hard that we had separate friends. I found it hard that he had close and intimate relationships with work mates forged though days and days forced together. He ended up leaving me for a colleague. A relief actually. I'm now very happily re- married.

You're definitely doing the right thing.

We had to live like this for nearly 20 years, with DH working away during the week, and a lot of people he works with are contractors doing the same thing.

I have been chatting with him and he basically said he agreed with you, and it looks like your DH does too deep down. I'm glad he has agreed and hope he finds somewhere nice.

It doesn't matter how deep the trust, or how genuine the belief that you won't stray, there is always a risk. It's an incredibly lonely life for them, often DH was going out for an evening meal on his own. He lived in lodgings a couple of times, he got on really well with one of the landladies but she was a lot older and he only socialised with her when she had friends round and she invited him to join them.His happiest contract was when there was a group of like minded guys who he got on with and who just wanted to pass a jolly evening together in the pub.

A bit different as I live with my DP, but we have a part-time lodger with a similar set-up (works here for a few days a week and needs a bolt-hole to avoid a long commute).
He and I have found ourselves eating together and watching TV together a few times when my DP has been out/away (no red wine, though).
Technically, something could happen between us. But it's not going to because a) he's happily married and b) I'm happily partnered.
If your husband is happy with you, then nothing will happen, will it?

Eating dinner and watching TV is not couple stuff? It's stuff I've done and continue to do with friends, male and female, as well as DP. They're bog-standard daily activities with zero romantic connotations.

But then I forget that on MN, going to the cinema or a restaurant with someone who isn't your partner is tantamount to an emotional affair.

I'm glad you've sorted it out. I would feel exactly as you do. It's not thinking this situation will lead automatically to an affair, but it's the level of intimacy with someone else outside my marriage that would upset me. This would add to the sense of missing my partner during the week too. It's good that he has recognised this.
Seems a good outcome all round.

They must have bonded very quickly to jump straight into dinner, Netflix and wine nights.

I would never fall for the ‘he’s not that person’ belief either. I’ve known some who you wouldn’t think had it in them to cheat but they did.

As for the single women, while most are happy on their own, if you read MN there’s also single women who have no morals regarding married men and they’ll date anyone who is showing them some attention.

Everyone I know in real life is like this. It's completely normal.
A boyfriend/girlfriend set up where they don't live together is also entirely different that a marriage. Besides you don't actually know how fine with it they were vs how much they put up and shut up.

YANBU, I wouldn’t be ok with this. I trust my husband generally and even if I really thought nothing sexual would happen between him and another woman in this scenario I would be unhappy because, well, he’s doing couple stuff with another woman. It would hurt. Maybe that’s irrational. I don’t care, you feel what you feel.

My male friend (single) had a female flatmate (in a relationship) for a few years a while ago. Her boyfriend had no problem with the set-up.

The situation that puts a relationship in jeopardy is if one partner feels it's OK to cheat. Eating meals and watching TV with someone of the opposite sex doesn't put anything in jeopardy if that's not the case.

The amount of batshit territorialism on MN is wild - no one I know in real life thinks like this.

I may have missed, but do we know for sure that the single woman is actually straight? For all we know she could be gay.

I’d have to question his motives for moving in with a lone single woman in the first place. Were there really no better options? “He was told she would be away most of the time…” Hmmmm…

Well done for actually communicating @MidnightOrangeas opposed to so many women on here who just vent and quietly resent their partner.

I wouldn’t have been happy either. The female landlord isn’t in itself too much of a problem (potentially). It would be the eating together, watching Netflix and sharing a bottle of wine that is the big no no here, especially if that’s the way you would both spend your evenings together.

I’m glad he’s seen your perspective but he really was quite naive to not think this set up would have been a problem for you.

Imagine if the woman flatmate was the married one working away somewhere and the bloke was single one …. no I can’t imagine it either. Women put up with a lot of BS that the vast majority of men would just laugh at, There’s trust, and then there’s purposely engineering/accepting a situation which might put a relationship in jeapordy.

I wouldn’t be comfortable.

Working away all week is hard enough on a relationship never mind when one person is spending time bonding with someone else while away.

I lost all feelings when an ex did this.

This would be a hard boundary for me and I’m afraid I would be telling him to pack his stuff and get out or come home to divorce papers. His choice.