Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

For what it is worth I agree with you OP. It is not an affair you are worried about but the familiarity that bothers you. There are so many posts on MN about people becoming emotionally entwined in someone other than their partner. It is the familiarity and sharing that often leads to this. There is no way my DH would ever think it was okay to play house with another woman because frankly that is what it seems like your DH is doing. You are entitled to have your own boundaries and can ignore the cool wives on here. It is your life. I am glad your DH understands your feelings.

I think it’s the domesticity of it that jars with OP (and I get why that is). Working away from home doesn’t usually mean you have two domestic home set ups. I don’t know why people are comparing it with flatmates (he’s a married man with his own home) or having dinner and a glass of wine with a mate of the opposite sex now and again. He’s there nightly during the week, it’s like his ‘other’ home rather than just ‘digs’. At what non-sexual point would posters start wanting to put up boundaries or maybe other than sex there are no boundaries for you, so they can do each other’s laundry, go to the supermarket together, after all these are not typical romantic endeavours, so you’d be fine with that?

I said I thought the OP should tell DH how she feels, not that either of them should act on those feelings. Feelings sometimes are illogical (e.g. phobias) but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about them.

Acknowledging illogical feelings is one thing; expecting anyone to act on them is quite another.

It wouldn't occur to me that cooking, chatting, drinking wine and watching TV would cross any normal boundaries, because those things are all so... platonic to me. I've done them with almost all my friends, male and female at some point. All my flatmates, male and female, too. None of them have ever had any inherent frisson beyond the quotidian activities they are. The fact that I now do them all with DP is because I live with him, not because they're inherently coupley or romantic. The only difference is I might actually cosy up to him (physically, not metaphorically) in a way that I wouldn't with my friends.

Socialising but maintaining boundaries - yes, of course. Boundaries around things that are inherently romantic or sexual like flirting, kissing and so on. Chatting and watching TV doesn't even nearly fall into that category.

"Attractive woman" gets to the point I suppose - that this is actually just territorialism. How many years older, or how many more grey hairs, or how far outside conventional attractiveness, would she have to be for you to be OK with this exact same arrangement?

That indicates that it's not the arrangement itself that's inappropriate. It's her looks. An attractive woman is, it seems, innately inappropriate for a married man to be around. How... misogynistic.

I did say 'could' and I did explain that I know, rationally, that my own DP is totally trustworthy and that many men are. But I also know that even though my head would say it's totally fine, I would FEEL unhappy about it. That doesn't make me paranoid. I'm just acknowledging my (illogical) feelings.

I agree that him working away all week and only coming home for the weekends isn't a recipe for success, in the long run. That's the kind of thing you can power through as a temporary situation, if you must, but it will put a huge strain on most relationships if it goes on for too long.

It’s how we spent 11 years of our married life and it was fine. I quite resented him when he was first here all the time.

To be honest, this kind of lifestyle doesn't sound best for a marriage

To me that just sounds like life of an evening after work.
Sure, it might feel cosy if I was with my DP. But when it's just me and my lodger it feels, I'd say, friendly (but boundaried).

Your issue seems to be based on your idea that cooking with someone, chatting and watching TV is inherently potentially threatening to your relationship. I just can't get my head round that mindset.

I'm not sure that's what this poster meant.

Exactly. Huge difference between hanging out occasionally and spending most evenings at home together.

I actually think it's a bit odder that you think "eating dinner and watching TV with your flatmate" is more intimate than sharing a bedroom with someone.

If you get on with your flatmate you're likely to do quite a bit of the former, and I'm baffled that it's considered overly coupley. I don't think the latter is necessarily a problem but it's certainly a lot rarer - it's "last option when travelling" territory. I've never slept in any flatmates' rooms!

"Cosy" does a lot of heavy lifting in your post and others' posts. Cosying is only a problem if they're cosying up to each other physically. Sitting on different sofas, or even the same sofa with distance between them, is not cosying.

And watching TV is just not a special activity. When you're away for work you do it because there's sod all else to do, usually. I watch TV with DP but I would never call it a cornerstone of our domestic intimacy.

Sorry, I don't understand the question.

Living with whom?

But you’re not living with him are you ?

I've said this already, but I think some people aren't realising that the OP gave us a resolution to the issue quite some time ago; all further discussion has been academic.

Not sure it is really. Does OP know the circumstances around how the rental came about ? And if it’s not an OW, the fact is that it soon will be !!

But a lodger-type situation IS domestic. Or it is for those of us who don't believe that a lodger should be packed off to their room with a pot noodle and their own shonky TV for the evening.
Surely as the partner of someone working from home you'd prefer to know they were having dinner and a chat of an evening than that they were stuck in a bedroom on their own?
DP and I communicate with each other about what TV shows we're going to watch/want to watch, and agree on things we'll save to watch with each other and things we can safely watch alone or with someone else.

No she’s not. OP’s dh understands where she is coming from and is making alternative arrangements.

I don’t know how some people can’t see that turning a lodger type situation into something more domestic (nothing to do with sexual tension etc) can be disconcerting for the spouse left at home all week (again, nothing to do with sex). If OP said one weekend to her dh “let’s watch that series on Netflix I saw a trailer of, it looks like the sort of thing we’d enjoy”, “Oh sorry love, I watched it with Mary, I didn’t know you wanted to see it. I don’t mind watching it again with you though”. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t feel a bit low about the set up.

So basically he's moved in with another woman. Highly suspect IMO. Did he know her before? Strikes me that she's 'the other woman'.

Would he be so chummy with his host if it was a man or would he stay in his room?

Im betting he would stay in his room.

You make it sound like he's just decided to ship out and live with someone else for lols. You do realise this set-up is for work?

And why must everyone be on their own? Can you not go out with friends or family, or have someone round for dinner and a film or something?

I wouldn't fancy sitting on my own most nights, while my husband is eating, drinking wine and watching tv with another woman.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

This use of 'cosy' and 'cosying up' etc on this thread is really weird.
If someone is away from home are they meant to make themselves as uncomfortable as possible? Perch on their bed to eat? Or perhaps stand up? Sit in their room with a glass of tepid water and read improving literature or a religious tract?

And is it automatically 'cosy' to sit on a sofa/chair and watch telly? Or does it only become so if the person observing/commenting doesn't like it? Like those threads on here when someone is 'parading' or 'swanning' around a changing room naked, except you know if you're not batshit that they're just, you know, inhabiting the changing room like everyone else.