Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

That's a friendly relationship, not an intimate one.

It is one that the OP isn’t happy with and didn’t expect. It has clearly not been discussed between the OP and her DH yet.

I've spent evenings and eaten dinner with everyone I've been in a houseshare with and I can assure you that none of it was a prelude to sex.

So have I. And my DH too. Both post docs, in labs around the world. We did that for years and years before we bought our own home, got married and had a child. Nothing wrong with a house share.

Are they meant to frostily ignore each other and only exchange the barest of small talk? Despite living together?

No one said that at all. You are taking things to extreme. Plenty of lodger setups are perfectly friendly, but they just don’t involve eating together and watching tv together every evening.

Different people have different requirements, especially linked to their stage of life. All that needs to happen here is that the OP and her DH need to get on the same page.

How long has he been living there?

Living away from your partner is hard enough without knowing he is drinking wine and watching tv with another woman. Even if nothing sexual happens that itself is enough to make you uncomfortable.

I’m glad he’s prioritising you in this situation.

What on earth do you mean?

Obviously affairs happen. They're not connected to being a lodger!

Well, working away from home is the "odd" situation that necessitates the living arrangement. Most people don't spend the week living away from their families. But it's also something that plenty of people have to do, and OP has explained this applies to them. So yes, a working situation that isn't the norm leads to a living situation that isn't the norm.

Lodging with someone and keeping personal interaction to a minimum sounds miserable and borderline hostile. When my friend was advertising for a lodger she said she didn't want to be besties with whoever moved in, but she did want to feel she could chat casually and normally to them - and in fact as a single woman with a male lodger, she'd feel much more uncomfortable if she didn't get to know them to an extent.

My ex worked away from home for a while, stayed in Travelodge to start with and then house/flat shared with a woman....she worked at the local pub, and he was sharing her bed as well as the flat. Hence why he's an ex. Don't get me wrong, not every man is like my ex (thankfully, he was a grade A arsehole), and just because my experience of a man sharing with a woman is negative, doesn't mean your husband is doing anything wrong. However, there's always a potential for it to happen regardless.

You are deluded if you think affairs dont happen.
Maybe OP should move a man in too. See what he thinks about that. A great way to conduct a marriage.

Of course there are different set ups.

the point here is that the OP thought it would be a situation with little personal interaction and that isn’t what it’s turned out to be.

The DH hasn’t discussed this with the OP and clearly the way the setup is in reality is a problem for her. They need to talk about it.

I would add that of course we’ve all had houseshares, and had partners, boyfriend/girlfriend who were in other house shares at the same time.

It’s really common. Especially when you are younger.

But when you are older, married and live as a family unit for years (maybe they have children, not sure?). To work away from home and go back to a houseshare would be an odd situation for me. I personally wouldn’t like it and I can understand the OP’s discomfort.

My friend is now married to her lodger. She had a long term boyfriend when he moved in.

What I’m trying to say is, your husband sounds very trustworthy in his behaviour and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong at the moment. If it was a short term arrangement I would put up with it even though it would make me uncomfortable.

However this is not sustainable long term. If he is sharing his life with her more than you, intimacy and connection will naturally build up. It then becomes a very dangerous situation for his marriage. He doesn’t want that and neither do you, but once a connection is built he will have to actively ignore it. Easy to slip, and blow up both your lives.

You could ask him would he be happy for you to do the same if the situation was reversed.

There's an awful lot of assuming that this woman is going to want a married man. Contrary to popular opinion they're not that attractive.

Most homes aren't that big so it kind of makes sense to pool resources and cook together sometimes. It probably doesn't happen every night.

If the OP really isn't happy then she needs to say so.

I'm in my sixties 2 of my acquaintances are now married to men that were 'lodgers' for years. Both men failed to inform their wives they'd actually left them and started new relationships. 'Mike' kept the pretence up for nearly 20 years until my friend gave him an ultimatum and said she wanted to be the official wife by her 50th birthday or they were done.

But I’d personally feel annoyed with my husband for taking that relationship beyond a lodger relationship to a personal relationship, where they are eating together and spending their evenings together.

That's a friendly relationship, not an intimate one. I've spent evenings and eaten dinner with everyone I've been in a houseshare with and I can assure you that none of it was a prelude to sex. Are they meant to frostily ignore each other and only exchange the barest of small talk? Despite living together?

Sounds very dodgy OP. Unless he’s completely naive. Even so, he should respect your feelings and find somewhere else

Sorry I think this is different.

In your sister’s case it was a lodger relationship, which after years they became friends. Understandable.

The lodger could pay extra for certain domestic services such as meals being cooked and laundry.

Did your sister sit and eat these meals with the lodger every evening and then watch tv together? I expect not.

I’m not sure how long the OP’s husband has been in this house but it seems immediately to have become a personal relationship.

Actually, I think the woman whose house it is, must be looking for a housemate rather than a lodger and these are different things.
If this is very new, OP’s DH could reset boundaries with this woman but to be honest, I think it is going to be too awkward.

MN territorialism is wild, the sheer amount of automatic hackles that are raised at the spectre of aNoThEr wOmAn!!!

A disturbing number of people seem to believe that a man and a woman in the same space can only ever lead to shagging. And everyday activities like eating meals and eating crap TV are the height of romantic intimacy.

In my flatshare days I lived with a man for a couple of years. I was single, he was a friend of friends and became a friend too. As did his girlfriend. Obviously nothing ever happened even though we sometimes ate meals and watched films together.

One of my friends has had two different female lodgers since he bought his flat, totally platonic. The first had a boyfriend while he was single; he's now dating someone new, but his new flatmate is single. Food is eaten, TV is watched - in fact I went round to visit him last week and had dinner with both him and his flatmate (new girlfriend is out of town). It's a non-issue for everyone involved.

Another of my friends has lodger in her place but only for 5 days per week - a man in a LTR who lives in Liverpool but works in London and is saving up to marry and buy a house with his fiancee. Perfect scenario for her, she gets help with her mortgage but also her own space at the weekend. They didn't know each other beforehand but they get on and in that case it's far weirder to ignore each other and pretend you're strangers than to just eat dinner together if you're both around.

These aren't isolated examples, this is an entirely commonplace scenario. In the current rental/flatshare market, as long as the flat is habitable and the other people are sane and hygienic, you take what you can get - and that might not be much. Everyone I know has been through a houseshare period and it would be considered very unusual to stipulate by gender, and if a partner stipulated it on anyone's behalf it would be extremely controlling.

Sharing a flat, eating dinner and watching TV with someone doesn't usually lead to sex. A man and a woman put into the same space are not guaranteed to get it on (and usually won't tbh). Platonic is more common than romantic. If you don't trust your husband to be faithful that's a problem in the relationship, not the living arrangement.

It's fascinating to see all the posters expounding on what they consider to be a 'normal' lodging situation. Some flatmates/ logers share meals and watch TV together; some don't. Both set-ups are pretty normal.

Anyone who is sensible would usually avoid hooking up with their flatmate/lodger; it's far easier and less complicated to stay as friends not lovers. The only way the OP will be able to judge this other woman's attitude/ likely behaviour is by taking up the invitation to visit sometime.

I'm glad to hear that the whole arrangement was properly discussed, and that she trusts her husband. Those insisting that he's likely to cheat on her, just beause he's spending time in close proximity to another woman, must be feeling insecure about their own relationships

That said, my hairdresser who is 30 and single rents out the top floor of her three story house to a single guy. Don't presume that someone's husband is just so attractive. They cook together occasionally and hang out, but it's just a house share situation.

This - exactly this.

You say you trust him, but it doesn't sound like you do.
Then it's it nice that he has found a friend so he's not as lonely whilst he's away from home, regardless of gender. If they get on well, why can't they eat together? You'd rather he sat on his own ?

Dogaredabomb

I'm thinking of getting a part time lodger, who i would assume would likely be a mature married man working away from home. I'd prefer to be cordial but independent but I guess if you both want to watch Inspector Morse 🤷🏼‍♂️

I actually don’t get this, you’d assume a married man would need a place on his own? Is this a normal thing where you are?

Why don’t you suggest getting a lodger for some company? Maybe a nice young man who can do odd jobs in the house - see what your DH thinks? 😉

I completely understand why you were fine with the idea of him lodging somewhere.

At the time of seeing the advert, you didn’t worry about it being a woman because it was your expectation it would be a lodger relationship.

But I’d personally feel annoyed with my husband for taking that relationship beyond a lodger relationship to a personal relationship, where they are eating together and spending their evenings together. He didn’t ask you and he just did it.

He didn’t protect his marriage to you by keeping that relationship more distant. I would wish he’d had your marriage more to the forefront of his mind before deciding to spend his evenings with her.

Many, many married couples have to live apart during the week for many reasons. It’s tough and it’s lonely for both spouses. But such is life. You’ve made this choice for financial gain and I assume this is temporary? When is it ending?

I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you moving in a lodger during the week while he’s away , in theory, but also wouldn’t like the set up if reversed and that’s a great way to explain it.

I used to work away Monday to Friday and worked with a lot of people who did the same. A lot of people had lodging arrangements, some had hotels. Whether people cheated or not was not related to their accommodation.