Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

The lodging with a woman isn't the issue, it's the eating and spending the evening together that is. It's too familiar. He'll be spending more time with her than with you. I wouldn't voluntarily live apart from my DH in the first place, and he wouldn't voluntarily shack up with another woman. It's a bit odd.

Yes it’s super weird. A married man shouldn’t be speanding most evenings living and watching TV with a single woman, with his wife elsewhere. Not really rocket science.

We had lodgers of both sexes growing up, and it was so different to what is being described by the OP, because the lodger was coming into the marital home where husband and wife were for most of the time. Sure sometimes the lodger might be alone with one of my mum or dad, but that wasn't the norm. And there was no geographical distance between my parents.

In contrast, what OP has described is a married man living for most of the week with one woman, outside the family home. Unless I've misunderstood there are not even other 'housemates', it's just the two of them.

I really really miss the laughing reaction cause this deserves it 🤣

My wife would one million percent not be happy with this. From my perspective I just can't see how it's remotely appropriate. I'd have to be extremely naive not to think that (1) this kind of setup is likely to cause exactly this kind of concern to my wife, and (2) it is asking for an emotional affair, if not a physical one. For a married person to consistently place themselves alone with someone of the opposite sex, to the extent they have basically shacked up together, eating together, relaxing after a hard day's work together, having all the little conversations and jokes that rightly belong to marital life together... it's just extremely naive and foolish of him at best.

@Justaname64 to be fair I think if the arrangement you have was what was going on the OP wouldn’t be uncomfortable. She agreed to the situation you described. What instead is going on is they are eating meals together, watching tv and drinking wine. Not just a pleasant chat when they cross paths.

I wonder how many commenters have the experience of being a lodger or living in a shared house. I lived in various accommodation in my teens and twenties. I also did the period of where I had to commute another city to London. I enjoyed staying in hotels, however it is not practical for long term particularly when thinking about meals time. I think the layout determines how you interact with the other tenants.I definitely had more interaction with when there open plan arrangement - this was necessarily by choice. When I was cooking, I would talk to other tenant whilst they were watching tv or doing others due how the room was layed out. I think it lodger situation is slightly more complicated as they might feel unhappy about you eating in your bedroom etc and you have to make more of an effort to get along.

With that being said, I can see that why the OP would be uncomfortable.

No that doesn’t seem right to me. Without even realising it the situation could become too cosy and too alternative second home. Even if it didn’t develop romantically it isn’t the correct living situation for someone who is married, in my opinion. It’s too open to becoming a parallel domestic situation.

Trust your gut, OP.

You have to come to a compromise, but not at the detriment of your equilibrium.

Excellent idea - and it would be earning extra income!

You really think it's very very likely for a man to accidentally fall penis-first into a woman if they have a couple of drinks together?

This place is utterly sex-obsessed.

That is the kind of paranoia everyone is talking about!

How on Earth did your mind get to this?!

He'd presumably be unlikely to have a drink or two and accidentally fall penis first into another man. Very very likely to happen in Ops husband's situation.

It's easy to post an ad on Spareroom to show you.

Well done OP.

Clearly you have an open and honest relationship with your DH. It’s great that you can talk to eachother and respect eachother’s feelings to find something that works for you both.

It’s such a shame this one didn’t work out to be as advertised.

Living away from eachother can be tough for both of you and it is tricky to sort the living arrangements. Treat this as a teething problem as you work out what you both want and are comfortable with.

I was in this situation a few years ago because DP moved cities to do a degree and I stayed in London with a male colleague- we shared a one bed flat (he had the room and I had the converted sitting room). We did this for nearly 2 years. We did watch tv sometimes, walked back from work , and we did share food on occasion. I drew the line at grocery shopping together- we might walk there together but we weren't walking aisles side by side. Going together was great though because he carried that cat litter home.

There was no attraction and at times a bit of disgust. We had very different views of bathroom etiquette!

Meanwhile DP was in the exact situation in the other city in the flat I had bought. Nothing there either.

Eventually, IVF, Covid and a new job aligned things and we moved in together again. I'd say you let it play out with a view of moving together. And make sure when you visit him you speak to her too.

This is almost exactly the same situation as a friend of mine, and she had the same logic as you: re a married man and being practical.

It's totally normal! And yes, wildly offensive to both single women and the husbands they presumably trust to assume your situation will inevitably lead to an affair.

If you read my post, I have been a young, attractive woman living with someone else's partner, and know several others in similar situations, and nothing untoward has happened.

I find the jump by a lot of posters from eating a meal together to having an affair slightly offensive to single women. I’m a single woman and, following the advice that is so often given out on here, got a lodger to pay for the bills. My lodger is very similar to the OPs, a married guy who is working away from home during the week and going back home at the weekends. Him having a wife and kids was actually a selling factor as I knew he’d definitely be going home at weekends. I have absolutely zero romantic interest in him! And if I did I wouldn’t have wanted to live with him as taken/married men are a complete no-go for me. However it is nice that we can have a normal chat when we do cross paths. As I’m often out in the evenings we only see each other for maybe an hour a day and cook separately but I have offered for him to have what I’m cooking once. Again, this wasn’t a romantic suggestion but practical as I knew it would take a lot of time to make and it would be awkward in the kitchen both cooking at the same time. TV is similar, as I’m often out in the evenings we’ve watched TV once together and it was as platonic as it can get.

Having a stranger live in your house is hard but I would much rather be able to have a nice chat with them than be mono-syllabic. I’ve offered my lodger to have his wife up so she can see where he’s staying, maybe take yours up on the offer if he ends up in a similar situation to reassure you?

Are you living with a partner? Move a young, attractive person in of the same sex as you so they can share meals with your partner and watch films with them in the evening. Go on do it. iT'lL bE GrEaT 4 UR rElAtiOnShIP HUn 😜

My exH used to work away... unfortunately you can probably work out why he is an ex!! Sorry... i wouldn't be happy with this

Um no wouldn't like that. I have had male lodgers but you don't get this cosy with them. Even if innocent, if misguided, now, it will lead to familiarity and domesticity with each other which is unlikely to end well for the OPs marriage.

I think it’s completely fair to feel uncomfortable but also to still trust your husband. You’re not worried that the tv watching and the dinner eating means they’ll have an affair - it’s something that you don’t get to do with him at the minute and another woman does get to.

Living apart for most of the time must be really hard, even if it is temporary and you are a rock solid couple. But while the overall relationship will survive, you are missing out on the day to day comforts that living together provide. You don’t get to come home to him having cooked dinner for you, or get to catch up on the show you both love as a way to wind down. You don’t get to surprise him with a new way of cooking a family favourite recipe, or catch up about something that happened at work that irked you, or laugh at the running joke you have about that odd man he goes past on the way home from work every day.

These were things you both agreed to miss out on when you made the plans together for him living away. You were in it together, albeit apart. But now he is getting some of those needs met by another woman. It doesn’t mean they’re going to have any kind of affair - it could literally be he gets in, she’s got a shop bought cottage pie in the oven, and they both sit and watch Springwatch in silence, then he goes to bed. But it still feels like you’re not in it together anymore.

So I guess if you completely trust him, then the conversation you need to have is whether you’re happy to allow him to break the agreement of both of you feeling lonely and a bit shit in the evenings. And what you decide is completely between the two of you.