Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

This would be a absolute no from me no chance my husband lived in a house share when we met but it was a all male house anyway if I was you I would not accept this situation the chances are they will end up having a affair

Guy here. First rule to consider about (most) men: a guy is basically controlled by his dick. It is entirely possible for a man to love someone (i.e. his wife) but to also engage in lustful, no-strings-attached sex with a perfect stranger. After a couple of drinks, this scenario becomes very possible, and a regular thing. If you value your marriage dort this out now.

Are you feeling quite alright dear?

Reported.

They stayed with us for years, so it clearly worked for them. Even years later we are still in touch by email and social media and I consider them my friends. What works for some is not a fit for everyone, and that’s ok 😊

Agree - ridiculous answer. What if you’ve also got a job you like? Kids at schools? A community you are happy in?

One thing - he told you about it. But it's like he has a work-wife, only this is a lodging-wife.

He is yours, you are his. He should be with you or alone. The odd dinner etc with a friend omg of course ok.
God, how depressing. With your DO or alone? Allowed just the odd dinner with a friend?
This sounds nothing like my and my DP’s relationship, which somehow still managing to be 26 years long and counting.

Please don't apologise for anything.

Your feelings are honest and sensible.
You've shared them and your husband agrees and had been feeling like it was a bit weird.
A marriage isn't just sex, it's companionship. At the very least, she may have loved having him there. But this isn't appropriate.

We have to be careful what we allow our tendrils to curl around each day.

He is yours, you are his. He should be with you or alone. The odd dinner etc with a friend omg of course ok. But not daily domestic connection.

You were right.
He knows it and was fully in agreement.

I think it sounds like you have a lovely marriage, ideal. Enjoy it : )

That sounds like a miserable living situation to me.

Are you sure she is just a random lady and this has not been set up to look like that?

All lodgers are strange before they move in aren’t they? I don’t think the OP is being unreadable to be uncomfortable with this but to make out like there’s something wrong with this woman who is minding her own business and renting out her room is ridiculous. This woman can rent her room out to whoever she likes, nothing fishy about it in the slightest (unless all female live-in landlords are fishy if they accept male lodgers)

I mean, it is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to share a living space and not shag each other... living abroad, I shared a flat with a female colleague for 2 years, and we just shared a living space, that's it, occasionally eating together. She had a boyfriend in another town (some distance away) who would occasionally visit, he and I got on famously, and we'd all go out to eat together, go clubbing etc 😀

Why would he be staying there in the first place if it’s close enough for a surprise visit?

Why not pay a "surprise" visit one evening and see what the craic is?
You never know, all might be above board and you can see for yourself what the set up is.
Don't leave it to chance or be too naive.

I used to have lodgers for years - PhD students and people working away from home. I don’t recall ever sitting down to eat together outside of special occasions - think if they were stranded with us over Christmas scenario - and they didn’t join the family watching tv, they had their own. I can understand him wanting a more settled base when he’s away but this set up sounds a bit odd tbh. I’d ask him to find a room elsewhere with more people or a regular Airbnb - hosts would be delighted!

Summary: yes hubby was totally out of line. Great you talked to him OP and glad you're both on the same page.
And a high five for rejecting assertions that by voicing your concerns that you are somehow controlling your other half. What a joke. But hey, no one better dare tell me who I can live with even though I'm married, far to single minded for that.
Oops probably gone to far... hurray for doormats!

I like my own space and enjoy the fact that my DP and I get a few nights a week to ourselves. But I also like having dinner and a chat with our lodger sometimes during the week. Things aren’t completely black-and-white like you seem to be painting them.

Our lodger only stays a few nights a week as well. One of my friends was appalled to hear what we’re charging him and thought we should charge him full rent, on the basis that, even if he’s not in the room for a few nights, we can’t use it for anything else. But the market just doesn’t work like that these days; the deal is that if you want a room for a few nights you pay for a few nights. If as a homeowner you want the money from a full-time lodger, you take on a full-time lodger.

This is a bit unhinged.

Omg I bet he likes it there 😂

I think the humans are social creatures quote is an over used trope. Eight billion people on the planet , we are not the same. Also what about taking cultures into consideration?

I am half Greek Cypriot and half English. The differences between Anglo Saxon culture and Greek Mediterranean culture is vast. I am much closer to the Greek side of my family. The relationship between my cousins and myself are akin to Anglo Saxon bother and sister.

I’ve been to Latin American and the Mediterranean country’s and they are pretty similar

I live alone and work alone, ie with the public, but no colleagues ( taxi driver) I’m happy meeting passengers for a while and never seeing them again, not all of them want to talk, fine by me.

I’m happier on my own.most of my socialising is done on the phone, I can regularly talk to some of my friends for four or five hours on the phone, the other night I spoke to my friend for seven hours, he lives alone as well. I don’t need a physical presence and I really don’t need anyone around me to tag along on my journey.

I made sure that I never had to rely on anything for anything in my life, and yes I do have trust issues, my hobbies are solo pursuits gardening, fishing, photography I don’t do group stuff

I solo rode a motorcycle sixty thousand miles through Europe, I rode through the arctic circle then inti Russia. I did a lot of wild camping in the woods, by glaciers on the North Cape under the stars. I was very happy indeed, but being on a motorcycle one always attracts attention from other bikers or ex bikers

There are plenty of men and women who feel lonely in marriages and relationships, loneliness is a condition on the mind not your surroundings. If you feel lonely and enter a room full of people you will still feel lonely, it’s wretched feeling which I had once after my divorce was over.

in my opinion if a person can’t sit in a room on their own, and feel the need to drink or get high, have a affairs or seek out company because they absolutely must have it, they are needy and weak.

You can’t live with someone if haven’t learned to live alone with yourself first, because that person then becomes a crutch

Some of us are foot soldiers and some of us are snipers I guess ?

Oh wow, absolutely no. I knew the trust issue would be thrown in here from some posters but that’s BS. Even when the relationship is 100% plutonic, if you’re spending more time alone with the person than anyone else, they’re in effect your significant other. That’s not a good marriage, nothing to do with trust. I swear a lot of people use the trust argument to convince themselves a poor situation is ok. I’d rather be poor and live with my wife, she feels the same. Most affairs aren’t premeditated, and most happen simply because of opportunity, nothing wrong with trying to avoid obvious temptation and that has nothing to do with a lack of trust.

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement.

Glad you got it sorted. It's the proximity that builds bonds. I know of someone who ended up having an affair with her married Monday to Friday lodger (eventually marrying and then divorcing).