to not believe in unconditional love

YANBU.
If anyone I loved ever did something absolutely despicable, like raping a child, they would be dead to me.

It’s a very narrow minded view to think that you don’t hurt the people you love. Like your example, if your child hit you that does that mean they don’t love you?

I dont believe in love soul mates unconditional love and romantic stuff or being sentimental or being attached etc.

To me its like religion you either believe in it or not.

So, as unlikely as it might be, if your husband cheats on you over and over again, and steals your life savings to fund his gambling habit, which costs you your home, you will continue to love him? This is what unconditional love means to me (which is why I don't believe in it, apart from between parents and young children).

How old are your children?
I have a 28 and a 16 year old. One has destroyed me physically - broken bones.
The other is living at her Dad's for now and whilst they don't mean to, it has destroyed me mentally.

Do I love them?
With all my heart! I take some responsibility and I'm not afraid any more to tell them (well, especially the eldest) and I'm always here for them. I'll always love them. It is completely unconditional.

Other family on the other hand can fuck off 😂

I cannot relate to this, no. My mother once said something very wise to me. I asked her if she would still love me if I murdered someone and was sent to prison. She said that if this ever happened and because she knows me, she would know that I had lost my sanity and therefore would still love me. I liked that.

And equally, perhaps those saying that their moral standards would supersede their love are being ‘performative’. Or perhaps we just have different views and belittling people who disagree with you is petty.

I suspect that none of us can know what may or may not break the love we have for our children. I would say that the thing about the love we have for our children is that it is irrational and cannot be controlled, for all that we may try. As others have pointed out here there are many examples of parents who continue to love their children after they have committed horrendous crimes. That doesn’t mean that they like them anymore, and it certainly doesn’t mean that they are not repulsed by what they have done, but still there is a residual love that holds. Indeed, I suspect that they find that love incredibly hard to understand and feel enormous guilt that they can’t just throw it off. Really, perhaps, that is the definition of unconditional love.

I don't know.

I think loving my children is a part of who I am, it doesn't go up or down in terms of their behaviour. It's fundamental to my consciousness.

I think love and warmth are very different things though, for me love can be purring along in the background even when I'm angry or upset with people. In fact the upset and anger is often because I love the person responsible. I can't imagine not loving my family.

My Nana often said she was surprised that she still loved her son (my father). She despised the abusive, vile person that he had become and had nothing to do with him after taking us from him (at significant risk to her and my grandad, both from his violence and legal repercussions). But she still loved the person that had been her son.

She felt it was similar to loving someone who had died. You still love them, they just don't exist in person anymore.

I disagree, parents that love their children do not abuse them and vice versa. You do not hurt someone you love.

There is potential for abuse in any relationship, but my point with romantic love is that it shouldn’t be unconditional because to make it unconditional or believe it should be would make it difficult for anyone to leave abusive partners. And it’s a different situation to child to parent. I would still love my child if they hit me, I wouldn’t necessarily like them but I would still love them, whereas if my husband hit me it would be over.

That may be how you feel.

I am certain that I will love my ds no matter what he does. That doesn't mean I will necessarily approve of everything he does or support him in it. I may even not like him much but I cannot imagine a circumstance in which I would not try to get him whatever help he needed.

I wouldn't know how to not love our DDs? The bond is primeval and beyond my control. If DH had an affair/behaved dreadfully then I would leave him, but I would still spend the rest of my life loving him.

Romantic love isn’t the only love that contains real abuse. Plenty of parents love their children and abuse them, and some kids abuse their parents.

I think I have unconditional love for my DC, she pisses me off pretty regularly already tbh, I would still panic if anything happened to her. I can imagine feeling ashamed of something she’s done etc but I would most likely still love her more than anyone else in the world. She’s probably the only person I don’t have the capacity to stop loving.

The love for my children is unconditional, they could do anything, I’d still love them though I may not like them.

My love for my husband is conditional, all romantic love should be conditional to an extent because otherwise you’re into real abuse danger territory. Love does not override that.

I didn’t see your first comment about your child so it wasn’t a personal insult to you. What was the crime? That may help understanding walking in your shoes.

My love you my child is unconditional. Friends, partner, other family, not so much. My love for them is dependent upon their actions. My love for my children is not.

Parents possibly too might be somewhere close to unconditional - that’s a messy and complex though. My mother, for instance, treated me appallingly at times, her fury at my father leaving her channeled at me. Absolute rage. She said and did some awful things. And she was volatile so you were never safe in the moment as she might switch. I have said to others when talking about her that I don’t think I love my mother. That she broke that in me. However, she is now bed bound and with dementia, and recently took a turn for the worse and we were told she might have days left (months later she’s still hanging on!). At that point I started mourning something. Because for all the hard and bloody awful times, as with everything, there were good times too. Dancing on her feet while she sung to me; snuggling up on the sofa as a child. Perhaps there is residual love there, a thread that could never quite snap for all she did, because she was my mother. Or perhaps I was merely mourning what might have been, the potential that was there in our relationship and was never fully realised. Mourning the mother I nearly had.

But I do think (most of us) love our children unconditionally. I remember being struck with a thought recently, while watching Adolescence: while both scenarios are utterly awful - the absolute nightmare for a parent- would it be perhaps better to have a child killed than a child be a killer? At least when a child dies you are left with their memory unaffected by their future actions. Your ‘perfect’ and precious child frozen in time (my father, for instance lost his brother young. My grandparents idolised the dead child and vilified my father for daring to carry on and becoming a difficult teenager). If your child kills another child you then have to try and process that this person, who is the most wonderful and precious thing to you, has done something completely abhorrent. I still think that the love remains, only it is tainted by everything they have done. They break everything you ever thought you held sacred and certain.

I believe in unconditional love because thats how i love. I may dislike traits or behaviours but it doesnt change my love.

I am not a feeble idiot thanks very much poster a bit up thread..
Quite angry at that accusation..
Walk in my shoes then decide that. Ignorant insults are disgusting..

My love for my children is absolutely unconditional.

100% unconditional

I was taught, years ago, that unconditional love only applies to family. Partners will always be conditional, ie people stop loving partners for all sorts of reasons; affairs, DV, changing, weight gain, getting the ick, losing their job etc etc.

With my kids, parents and brothers I just love them and can’t see a time when I wouldn’t.

I agree. I think anyone who continues to love their child unconditionally after a horrific crime is a feeble idiot.

This.