To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

OP I do agree with you that some people get over bereavement quicker than others. I think I’m quite thick skinned about it. I’ve lost all my grandparents, a parent and two step parents and in each case I grieved a short while then moved on. I’m sad sometimes when I think of them and miss them, but then it passes and I get on with my life. The way I see it the older generation must die before we do and it’s sad, but it’s the way of things. I don’t really understand when people sink into a depression that last years when a parent dies, unless they were taken young maybe. However if something happened to my children I know I would never have another happy day in my life ever and the grief would be excruciating and everlasting.

What you describe with regard to looking over photos is not uncommon at all. Some people do that; others don't.

You lost me at ‘I’m an empath’ 🤦‍♀️

My late husband left his ex because of her infidelity. She's currently with her 4th partner.

I was asked if she could attend the funeral. I readily agreed. However, it took me everything that I had to bite my tongue when DHs DIL phoned me and told me that the ex was "devastated...as we all knew that she would be".

I got a phone call from the ex, telling me that she'd received a card which had "comforted" her, and perhaps it would comfort me. I expected a poem or the like.

It was a sympathy card, sent to her by a family friend, telling of happy memories of when the ex and my husband were still man and wife. The best gloss that I can place on it is that it was intended for the kids. I'm still trying to figure how it was supposed to comfort me.

I then found myself in the bizarre situation of being phoned by someone I didn't know - the ex's SIL. She was kind enough to express her condolences, but I didn't even know the woman. The ex had given her my phone number.

The ex's latest partner dropped her off at the funeral and then collected her.

DH and I were married for nearly 27 years. 3 days after the funeral, I was woken from a zoplicone induced sleep by loud knocking on my front door.

The ex. There to persuade me to place my husband's ashes in a place of her choosing.

I've just noticed the OP's latest post. I too have a diagnosis of OCD and depression. However, there's no option but to push on.

Maybe I should have told everyone that I was "devastated", but I rather assumed that there was no need to state that.

Op I totally relate to you and your post could have been written by me.

You're not alone. I really hope you read this.
I lost my bff of 25 yrs well I was ghosted 9 years ago.
My mum died in 2023 and it was absolutely awful to witness her decline.
I save worms that have found themselves on the patio.

Have a bloody big hug from me and be at peace with your big heart.

I know it's hard tho, to feel 'alot'

Thankfully I took have a good sense of humour.

X

I've been to my dad's grave twice in the six years since he died. To me, he's not there.

But he's still the first thing I think about most mornings and the last thing I think about most nights. I miss him all the time.

Just because I'm not sobbing at his grave all day doesn't mean I'm emotionless.

Without being outing, throughout my life I have been surrounded by people working through their grief. Some outwardly show it; others (from the outside) look like they're coping well. The fact it, people handle grief very differently and there is no 'right way'. I feel things deeply, but to outsiders I'll look like I'm fine and carry on as normal. That does not mean my grief is any less than those who fall apart. And both are absolutely fine and normal.

Kindly, you have no idea how people cope behind closed doors. I might have a quiet cry in a bathroom, but emerge looking like I'm having a great day. I find the example you've given of your DH a bit sad - you feel like he should be making the effort more. What if he simply finds it difficult? You've no idea what's going on in his head, married or not. My husband lost his lovely mum several years ago. His predominant feeling was anger at her being taken too soon, rather than all consuming grief. He and his siblings have all handled her loss v differently, but they all care equally the same.

I'd suggest simply focusing on yourself, rather than comparing yourself to others - particularly when that comparison appears to imply you feel more than they do. I'm very sorry for your losses.

Grief is such a difficult journey for everyone. I think some PP have made a good point that a lot of the time people are just getting on with it or hiding things. It doesn’t mean they have brushed it off but you’d be amazed at how normal people can act while dealing with horrible, horrible trauma.
I also think you’ve hit a nerve with a few people but don’t take it to heart. One characteristic of grief is that it is extremely self centered and selfish and it’s a different journey for everyone but in my experience (and many others) it’s strange how it really does feel like it’s your grief, never to be comprehended by others, even if it’s shared loss, no one could possibly understand the depth of our grief….but actually they can.
And most people do live with grief in some way so maybe some therapy will help or maybe a good chat with someone close who can share their story of grief as you share yours to see how it is actually a shared and also unique experience.

My mum died on her own in hospital because, even though she had been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and in hospital for a couple of weeks, she was due to come home with oxygen the next day so none of us were with her (having visited in the daytime). If I focus on that and succumb to it I will be sucked into a hole and never come out so I straddle guilt and grief. Then I had a daughter, she’ll never meet my mum. Every day is filled with absolute joy and sadness, sometimes even panicked desperation (as grief can feel like). Surely no one has ever felt the depths of that kind of grief?! And then you realise so many people have. Probably everyone who has replied to this post, but they have no choice but to give into it or live their life.

This, it's like the poster recently who described herself as 'a HIghly Sensitive Person' which like those who describe themselves as an empath, seems to mean
"I am totally me-centric and self obsessed. I will behave awfully and be rude, but no one can say anything because am so Highly Sensitive'....😭😭

Not crying and being visibly upset isn’t necessarily a sign someone isn’t dealing with emotional turmoil inside.

I have a dear friend who cried at the drop
of hat - her own words, yet I seldom cry. To look at us you’d think I must be tough as old boots, but inside my heart is breaking everyday worrying about what will happen to my disabled child when I die. I have trauma that I didn’t know about at the time, mums died when I was barely an adult and was an alcoholic and always drunk form when I can remember and my dad was abusive. Had to get in with life as there was no one there to pick me up.

Lack of tears can often be a sign of people who have endured trauma and have had to deal with a lot of shit and that coping face is all they’ve known. It certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t sad/broken inside.

I have found in the past, those who tend to cry the most are the ones who have had an easier ride in life and these new emotions come out as tears but the old warriors have been there and done that and it doesn’t make the pain better.

I remember a family member wailing and crying when we revealed a plaque of my mams death and put her ashes with a family member (but it was about 12 years later) and I just stood in silence. Her life want impacted by the loss of my mam but to onlookers you’d think it was her mam. Then off she trotted to her nice life and that was the end of the tears.

Not always as black and white…:

I think you just don’t know or see how it impacts other people. My granny died at 92. It was a peaceful end. You couldn’t ask for better. But it floored me. I found waves of grief would suddenly crash over me when I least expected it. I forgot to fill up with fuel and didn’t notice the red light, so my car ground to a halt in the middle of nowhere. I know when either if my parents go it will be much worse. My Dad has been so ill for so long that you’d think I’d be inured to it, but I’m not. Every new emergency hospital admission sets me off. I was always a Daddy’s girl. It’s going to be gut wrenching. I don’t think I’m more sensitive than others. Grief is just like that. It is the price of live.

I don't think it's about getting over them.

I'm about as stoic as it gets, DP has seen me cry once in 20 years, and it wasn't after my Mum died.

That doesn't mean that I've "gotten over" my Mums death, even 6 years later. There's still a hole in my life that can't be filled, I still miss her deeply. I'm just not the kind of person who shows my feeling outwardly. That doesn't mean I feel them any less.

To be honest @Beautifulweeds , I find your post a little heartless.

I definitely think some people are able to compartmentalise more and move on quicker. Having lost a very close family member recently, suddenly out of the blue, I am struggling to imagine ever feeling happy ever again, ever not reeling when I realise that this hugely accomplished woman I knew isn’t there for a chat / to go for a coffee / to share whatever’s on my mind with / to play with her grandchildren. She got so much joy out of every aspect of life; she’d be devastated to know what she’s missing, especially her grandchildren.

I’m shocked by how quickly some others around her are seemingly moving on. It’s not right. It’s like they don’t understand the magnitude of the loss, how devastated she would have been to know what she was missing and how pointless everything is now that she can’t be part of it any more.

At least, that is how I feel. I appreciate others feel differently. But I think there is an element of lack of depth of feeling on the part of some others in my particular scenario.

This.

Right?

Whenever these special "empaths" turn up on MN, what they describe sounds more like "emotional vampire".

Revelling in the other person's sadness so they can feel special.

I think that you’re way off base here. People are suffering. You don’t own grief, and to presume that you feel it more than others is downright rude. I am sorry for your losses, and everybody’s.

You have no idea how or what people are feeling.

I only cry when I am angry.

When I am sad, I tend to go into "coping" mode and shut down everything trying to find something to organise/figure out.

Most people are devastated by the loss of people they love. Most people put on a brave face.

There is not right way to grieve.

I can never get my head around the paradox that “empaths” believe that they fully sense & feel what other people are feeling and their conclusion from this always seems to be that they (the “empath”) feel more deeply than said others. It’s almost like they can’t actually sense/feel what others are feeling.

People show grief differently but it’s awful for everyone. The heart physically hurting - that’s why people say they’re “heartbroken”. I’m a crier and my emotions spill over. I have zero “stiff upper lip”. I once had to tell my manager my relative had died and I needed to go home but had some bits to hand over. He was lovely but I just had to say I’ll be crying while we do this as I have no control over my tears right now so just ignore that and listen to my hand over. He was very kind and didn’t draw attention but he looked slightly bewildered. He did offer me a hug but I declined at that would have led to ugly crying and he was getting off lightly at that point.

I lost my mother 30 years ago.. she was only 62.. younger than l am now and l still cry for her.
I lost my sister last year .. l still cry for her.
I lost my partner 20 years ago.. l still cry for him.