To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

@Andoutcomethewolves well that's very strange behaviour from your former housemate. I don't know anyone like that, or would ever act like that myself. I suppose I can see why you'd raise an eyebrow at someone calling themselves an "empath" after that. Hopefully that's not the sort of thing OP means. It's hard to know without her coming back to elaborate more.

Being dramatic and wailing loudly even though there are people much closer to the person than them is definitely a weird thing to do.

Of course people can talk about their grief. The difference is making everything about them. My (self described as an empath) former housemate who wept on the floor when my dad was diagnosed with cancer also made a massive scene at a mutual friend's funeral - he was only 30 and died by suicide leaving his fiancée and obviously family behind (fiancée is also a mutual friend). It was definitely performative.

Another person I know who describes themselves regularly as an empath was SO dramatic at my BIL's funeral. Ignoring my pregnant, bereaved sister while she (the 'empath') sobbed loudly. To me that's the opposite of empathy.

I honestly have never come across an 'empath' who isn't actually just narcissistic and attention seeking.

Pretty much everyone has empathy. It just doesn't need to be shown in exactly the same way for it to count!

So sorry, OP. 3 years is still early days. My mum and dad both died in their early 60’s, 2 years apart. Also lost my closest friend at 50 a few years ago. It took me over a decade to feel true happiness again after my parents died. 💐

But she also mentions others not understanding her grief so maybe it's more about that? Although I doubt she'll be back to clarify after the massive pile on because she dared to call herself an "empath"-another word MNers find offensive, to add to a very long list! Who knew?

I think she means she's turned to unhealthy coping methods and she sees others are coping in a more healthy way? I think that's what she means rather than trying to dismiss others' grief. No wonder no one knows what anyone else is feeling if we're not supposed to ever talk about it.

I lost ds 25 to suicide 8 months ago. You'd never think to look at me. But every day I have a " moment" ...it could be an inability to breathe, tears at 3 am , a feeling of anger...but you'd never know.
I'm positive, cheery at work, I go out and socialise, I plan holidays and trips. But my grief will never go away...but don't want to be known as the mother with the dead son.

Sorry for your losses, OP.

YABU to assume that others get over it more easily than you do.

This.

i have never been to visit where my mum and dads ashes were scattered because that’s not where they are, the concept of gathering at a graveside on a specific day is meaningless to me. I think about them both often, I will be doing something innocuous and a memory will suddenly hit, I don’t feel the need to share that with anyone, it’s mine and sometimes I’ll have the time and opportunity to sit with those memories and enjoy remembering the good times we had, more often I will be doing something else and I’ll have to move on from it and continue with living my life.

You talk about medication for your OCD and Depression OP but what therapy are you having? You need to find strategies that allow you to understand that living in your grief prevents you from appreciating and enjoying the life you are actually living and that provide you mechanisms to recognise it but not get lost in it.

I've never lost to anyone todate, but I think about it a lot, because my mum is elderly, and I adore her, and I've seen how badly it affected by Dh and my best friend. I know I'll take it very badly.

I have learned to live with my DD dying and have had a couple of friends die very young in their early fifties. One of DH friends died when they were both just 38.

If people are older they have had their innings and though it’s sad it is the natural order of things. I adored my Dad but he made 84, it’s enough years.

My SIL made her Fathers death all about her, nobody else was as upset as her because they didn’t show it like her. I stopped telling people I had a child die because of their totally over the top reactions. Fortunately I have met people who will just say I’m sorry that must be so difficult instead of performative bewailing.

@GreyCarpet thats would be my SiL who I would describe if pressed as emotionally and socially immature.

Also some people do get over it quicker. I feel like i’m far more resilient than my mother for example. I can cope with a lot more and still carry on. My close friend has struggled massively with the loss of her mother, but I think as she was so close to her.

I lost a close friend 3 months ago and it’s been so tough. We spent a lot of time together and every Sunday I cry when driving to the dog field we both went to every week. Driving past her house is so tough, and help clear her flat has been incredibly painful (and cathartic at times). I’ve struggled more than when I lost my dad and I feel awful saying that, but was someone I spent a lot of time with (my dad was 250 miles away so not involved in my daily life).

My best friend's ex-mother in law sobbed performatively at my friend's dad's funeral declaring loudly 'that could have been me' 🙄She made the whole thing about her so in my opinion empaths and their deep feelings can FATWO.

Yes. I have a couple of friends who I would genuinely describe as empaths but ya know... Being actually empathetic... They either comforted the person going through the trauma/upset or they made themselves scarce to have a wee cry in the bathroom or something.

Not rolling about on the the floor crying because MY dad had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and claiming it's because she's so empathic and just 'feels my pain so hard'. Where's the empathy for me for fucksake. She was sobbing on me all night.

I evicted this lodger/former friend very shortly after she did this - it had been four years of massive drama and this just crossed the line! For a self declared empath she had zero self awareness or social skills, everything was about her 😬

Absolutely this.

The only people I've met who have described themselves as empaths have been insufferable people, completely lacking in empathy and resilience who considered themselves to be more sensitive and understanding and, therefore, 'better' than others.

A bit like people who proudly identify themselves as 'people pleasers' and then get upset that others have boundaries and wouldn't do the same for them.

Your way of grieving is different, some might even say performative

Your DH probably grieves for his Mum every day, just more privately

I know she's not personally attacking me! It was more of a general comment, but probably phrased badly. I just don't like people (not just me!) being viewed as not grieving purely because they do it in private.

She may not have said anything directly to her family but it's clear how she feels from her posts. And literally the thread title.

I will never get over BIL's death, or some other friends. BIL was my bestie for years before he met my sister (and continued to be for the decade they were together before he died). But to go on about it is IMO self absorbed. And to think that just because you talk about it more you're grieving more is dismissive of other people's grief.

@Andoutcomethewolves it's not like she's personally attacking you...I didn't cry at my dad's funeral, haven't been to his grave in years, won't be doing anything for father's day, don't talk about it to my mum on the anniversary yet I know I was deeply affected by his death for years. I'm not the least bit offended by anything OP has said. And it's not like she's told her family they're not grieving enough or something!

I totally relate about being stuck in the past though and unable to move on.

I see nothing that suggests she feels more than others.

I've cried innumerable times over the friends I've lost. It was the ten year anniversary of three friends' plus BIL death in the same week very recently and I could barely function. I just don't do it performatively.

I really resent being told I don't have deep emotions just because I don't display them in public.

@BMW6 I mean you basically proved her point by saying she's perhaps "wallowing in grief"-which you obviously see as unusual. So maybe she is feeling things more than most? Why do people take such offence to this?

Some people rather enjoy wallowing in grief.
Perhaps you're one of them.

But you piss people off when you claim to Feel more than others, that you're SUCH an empathic person. AKA a "Grief Thief" 🙄

You have absolutely no idea about others grieving. You have nothing to compare your feelings with - only people's outward behaviour which signifies NOTHING.

If you really are sympathetic to others feelings then try keeping your trap shut about how very "empathic" you are - it's really annoying.

(sorry OP for the derail)

@Boreded I don't know whether to be angry or amused at your posts 🤣 I've spent my entire adult life getting fucked off at people claiming to be OCD when they clearly aren't and here you are, accusing me of doing the same thing. My husband has the same issue with anxiety. People saying they 'have anxiety' when they actually are just a bit naturally anxious about doing a presentation or something. Not hyperventilating and pouring sweat like my H when he has a panic attack.

Don't think you can teach me about any of the mental health issues I've mentioned mate because I've lived them.

I hope you're coping with yours well.

I don't know why you're continuing to argue this? I was diagnosed by a panel of psychiatrists after being sectioned but they then referred me to my GP for medication and follow up care. Ok? I've had OCD for decades and it's seriously affected my life, especially as a teenager - I'm not one of those people who claims to be 'a little bit OCD' because they like things to be clean.

But tbh right now my CPTSD, depression and BPD (yes, also formally diagnosed) are more of an issue.

GPs don’t diagnose OCD 👌

Sorry for your loss OP.
I agree with others that empathy isn’t a gift but more an awareness of what people are feeling. It’s not feeling their pain but knowing that they are likely to be in pain.
My DS is very good at reading people and his reactions are instinctive. But he has learnt that behaviour. Both DH and I have experienced a number of losses through his lifetime and we react accordingly, DH is not frightened of shedding a few tears at a sad film and has openly sobbed with DS when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. They didn’t do it in front of me because they wanted support me positively but admitted that they broke down together in private.
These life experiences have equipped us with the ability to cope. Loosing my parents when I was in my 30s, DH lost his DF when he was 3, means I’ve had to deal with grief while continuing with real life. In fact being busy with work, children etc is a great distraction. I would cry on my way home, listening to sad music, sort of resetting my emotions before going into mum & wife mode.

Most people learn to compartmentalise bereavement. Unpacking it when you have the time and privacy to “let it all out”.
I think the so called empaths are actually more performance based personalities who seek attention and acknowledgment of their grief. The rest of us are just moving on towards rejoining the world again. Maybe empaths struggle with guilt too, it is actually fine to enjoy life after a loss. I certainly don’t want my family moping around after I’ve gone I want them to remember me with laughter and fun and celebrate my life.

We recently lost my DSis, it was all very quick and so sad while it was happening and we did lots of hugging and sobbing both with her and away from her. When my other DSis and I arrived at the funeral we properly broke down and wailed together. It was like a final rush of deep emotion. Then it was sort of over, like the black cloud lifted.

However, I think losing a child would be very different. I had a number of miscarriages before DS came along, not in the same league as the loss of a child but it leaves you with a ghost of what might have been.
But like all losses life goes on and in time you can learn to live without that person. And you can be happy again. Hang on to the happiness not the sadness.