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Do I make an effort for Father's day if it is never reciprocated?

57 replies

strawberrywhining · 10/06/2025 19:49

My husband has never really made an effort on behalf of our two young children for Mother's day. On MD this year, I thought he had forgotten entirely until he asked me mid afternoon when I wanted my card. Previously I've had flowers bought from Tesco on the morning once it became clear he'd forgotten. He has similarly made little effort for my birthdays - this year he bought a card, flowers and chocolates from the supermarket on the way home from work on the evening of my birthday.

Each year I've gotten him thoughtful things from the kids - one year they painted coasters for him at a ceramics cafe, another time I got him a selection of cheeses I thought he might like, I have them make him a hand made card etc.

This year I'm wondering if I should just do a card presented to him mid-afternoon with no fanfare, the same as for Mother's day. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it, it feels mean and petty. But this years Mother's day was a new low in that I spent most of the day sad, thinking he had forgotten and my DC didn't even know it was Mother's day.

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 10/06/2025 23:25

EggnogNoggin · 10/06/2025 20:48

How is yours not?!?

Yes, a card, a few prezzies and a Sunday lunch.

My 12 year old will struggle to contain his glee 😂

Everydayimhuffling · 10/06/2025 23:20

Telling him afterwards isn't helpful to either of you. Tell him a week or two before what you expect for mother's day or your birthday.

Agrumpyknitter · 10/06/2025 23:19

Reading your update where you have previously expressed your thoughts to your DH, I would just match his energy and get the kids to make him a card.

Your DH doesn’t care enough about the card/present/ special day and has no motivation to change and so won’t bother.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 10/06/2025 23:12

strawberrywhining · 10/06/2025 22:45

I have, after my birthday and mother's day this year. He thought he had done a good job regarding my birthday.

So, as you’ve previously spoken to him and nothing has changed, why do you think you’ll get a different result this time?

You’ll be ‘explaining’ (it’s not a complex concept, it doesn’t need explaining) again, while presenting him with a gift. His actions will continue to have exactly no repercussions for him and he will continue to disregard you.

You need to get cross. He’s being unkind and disrespectful. He’s also modelling poor behaviour for your kids and showing them that you don’t really matter. Do not be afraid to tell him this. There are too many of these posts where women martyr themselves and are apparently terrified of asking too much. Don’t be one of those women. That sort of martyrdom benefits nobody, apart from the lazy husband.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 10/06/2025 22:49

No

strawberrywhining · 10/06/2025 22:45

ForZanyAquaViewer · 10/06/2025 21:29

Have you not previously spoken to him about all this?

I have, after my birthday and mother's day this year. He thought he had done a good job regarding my birthday.

OP posts:
Bleachedlevis · 10/06/2025 21:45

JustSawJohnny · 10/06/2025 20:37

How is Father's Day a special day for the kids?

How can you not know this??

ForZanyAquaViewer · 10/06/2025 21:29

strawberrywhining · 10/06/2025 21:18

Thank you everyone, that's given me a lot to think about. I do take the points about not weaponizing the day when it's meant to be about the kids, and I also don't want to perpetuate the cycle of the kids then thinking this is how we treat people. That said, I like to think I'm pretty thoughtful when it comes to gift giving with all members of family so I would hope that that wouldn't be the case.

I like the points about it matching his energy in terms of effort. He may well not even notice, if that's all he's expecting that we do for Mother's day/Father's day then fine.

I'm torn, having read the replies I wonder if should sort something out as I normally do and when I present it to him, I explain that I'd considered matching his efforts but wanted to lead by example for the kids and that I expect that next year he puts some effort in. I'm not after anything expensive, just a card made by my kids, perhaps a token pot plant or something and for him to tell them it's mothers day in the first place. It doesn't help that my birthday falls close to Mother's day and his to Father's day so I've got both days to sort out.

Thank you all for the replies x

Have you not previously spoken to him about all this?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/06/2025 21:23

I should hope that you would only have to give him ONE shit Fathers Day for the message to be received and understood

strawberrywhining · 10/06/2025 21:18

Thank you everyone, that's given me a lot to think about. I do take the points about not weaponizing the day when it's meant to be about the kids, and I also don't want to perpetuate the cycle of the kids then thinking this is how we treat people. That said, I like to think I'm pretty thoughtful when it comes to gift giving with all members of family so I would hope that that wouldn't be the case.

I like the points about it matching his energy in terms of effort. He may well not even notice, if that's all he's expecting that we do for Mother's day/Father's day then fine.

I'm torn, having read the replies I wonder if should sort something out as I normally do and when I present it to him, I explain that I'd considered matching his efforts but wanted to lead by example for the kids and that I expect that next year he puts some effort in. I'm not after anything expensive, just a card made by my kids, perhaps a token pot plant or something and for him to tell them it's mothers day in the first place. It doesn't help that my birthday falls close to Mother's day and his to Father's day so I've got both days to sort out.

Thank you all for the replies x

OP posts:
doneandone · 10/06/2025 21:09

Definitely match his energy, see how that goes down. If he isn't happy with it then you can explain that that's how you feel when he doesn't make an effort.

Seamoss · 10/06/2025 20:58

How old are your kids? Old enough to hold a pen and use scissors and glue? Go back to brass tacks and give them paper, pens, and what ever craft supplies you have in and tell them to make a card and a gift for their dad.

It probably won't be pretty, but it's a thing they did. Father's day and mother's day shouldn't be about what your partner gets you. It should be about what the kids do for the parent. You're not responsible for the xard and gift. They are

I think it's pretty rubbish to not provide them the opportunity to do something for father's day because you're modeling poor gift giving behaviour and an absence of responsibility for them sorting gifts out for loved ones - basically repeating your DHs pattern of behaviour into the next generation

EggnogNoggin · 10/06/2025 20:48

JustSawJohnny · 10/06/2025 20:37

How is Father's Day a special day for the kids?

How is yours not?!?

tinyspiny · 10/06/2025 20:46

That is exactly what you should do , nothing petty about it you are simply putting in the same amount of effort as he does

DappledThings · 10/06/2025 20:42

It isn't being mean. It probably just doesn't mean much to him and he won't even notice. I don't expect anything other than the cards DC make at school and don't do anything for Father's Day other than be there when they get presented too.

Neither day was ever a big deal when I was growing up so it not being a big deal now wouldn't come across to me as petty in the least.

JustSawJohnny · 10/06/2025 20:37

EggnogNoggin · 10/06/2025 20:16

No you shouldn't lower yourself because it's shit for your kids.

Split with him or accept it. Don't weaponise special days for your kids.

Edited

How is Father's Day a special day for the kids?

JustSawJohnny · 10/06/2025 20:36

It's not mean or petty - it's warranted.

It might do him good to see how it feels to be unappreciated.

He'd be getting a shit card and a small box of Maltesers, if I were feeling generous. Same for his birthday.

If he wants better he knows what to do.

Pineapplewaves · 10/06/2025 20:28

Give him the same as he gave you. My DP knows that this is exactly what I would do. He knows full well that if all he got me on Mother’s Day was a card that’s all he’d be getting on Sunday!

Bigfatsunandclouds · 10/06/2025 20:21

My ex doesn't bother usually or makes minimum effort but I always ensure my children buy/make him something as I want them to find joy in giving as well as receiving. I would love to be as petty as he is but I just can't do it.

EggnogNoggin · 10/06/2025 20:16

No you shouldn't lower yourself because it's shit for your kids.

Split with him or accept it. Don't weaponise special days for your kids.

Screamingabdabz · 10/06/2025 20:15

I think you don’t lower yourself to his level. I think you expect more on Mother’s Day and your birthday. He sounds like a shit husband.

Mightyhike · 10/06/2025 20:11

YANBU at all. It's not being petty if you're not doing it to "get back" at him. It's more of a "oh OK, this is how we celebrate those days" kind of thing.

nomas · 10/06/2025 20:09

Absolutely YANBU.

He is never going to have an epiphany and see how much you do for him.

Stop making the effort.

Gall10 · 10/06/2025 20:07

All these ‘days’ are nothing more than sheer commercialism…though I am rather partial to a cake on my birthday!

Allswellthatendswelll · 10/06/2025 20:05

DH didn't bother much for me for mothers day so I am not going to bother for him much. However it's not our love language so not particularly upset! All our money is shared and he'd much rather have the 30 quid it would cost to get our DCs handprints at a pottery cafe and I'd much rather buy myself flowers when I feel like it.

If you do want more then you need to ask/ insist that you get more. Don't play games as he probably won't get the hint.