Do I make an effort for Father's day if it is never reciprocated?

I think sometimes and to some degree when there's imbalance in the gift giving efforts it can be about a mismatch in creative talents. It is a talent and a skill (often self undervalued) to be able to match person and gift well, some people are naturally good at it. And some people are shit, very little creativity and imagination, and are often aware of that, and can just get overwhelmed. Or alternatively can try and be creative and just get really crap expensive unsuitable things. (Yes, there can definitely be an element of lack of effort as well!)
If you think there's some degree of him genuinely wanting to show appreciation on Mother's Day, suggest something that matches effort for effort, but skips the creativity. Ask if he is willing to make an effort if he has a formula, and that you think its important for him to be leading the kids in showing appreciation (as you will for father's day). Be prescriptive. eg Every mothers day, 1/ I want you to take the kids to the florist and they can select some flowers with x minimum spend. 2/ I'd like you to get the kids to make a nice card or mothers day craft (look online), they can prepare a week or two before. 3/ I'd like either breakfast in bed, or you can make a cake with the kids for afternoon tea or you can book somewhere for a nice meal out. If he agrees, suggest he set alarms then and there to prepare in good time. For father's day, you can go with a similar formula (that may have more creative flair). If he is unwilling or incapable of doing 1/2/3, then take father's day to the basic level that you feel ok with.
I know it's simplifying things, doing the work for him etc etc . It's in no way ideal. But ultimately you don't want Mother's Day to be an annual day of feeling sad and disappointed, so maybe its better to just be pragmatic about it.

Totally agree with this.

My DH doesn't give two fucks about Mother's Day (unless I tell him he has to) or about Father's Day. But he shows his appreciation (and prompts the DC to) all year round so it's not a hill I'm going to die on.

We tell each other things we want for birthdays/christmas then usually get a couple surprises too. But we have a spend agreement and a plan. Mother day/Father’s Day is similar but less spent . Agreement is 2/3 gifts totalling around £30 plus card. Usually alcohol/flowers/sentimental.

id talk now and just say you both have different ideas about what gift giving looks like and you would like to discuss a budget/plan for going forward. So if gifts wrapped and presented in the morning is a deal breaker for you say it. If he wants a few ideas for your birthday agree to it. Compromise and meet in the middle.

I'd do just the card. I'd also arrange to take your kids for a Father's Day brunch with your DF (presuming he's around) and tell DH he can tag along if he wants. Or go drop a slightly bigger than usual Father's Day present to your DF.

Can I ask why you think kids will repeat the cycle if both parents do nothing, but won't repeat the cycle if just dad does nothing and mum still makes a fuss?

I think this is where we disagree about the longer term messaging the kids receive.

my view is that as they grow up they will see mum making the effort and dad doing bugger all, much like how deadbeat dads let down their kids and kids come to see it with their own eyes as they grow up and treat him accordingly.

If they see mum setting the bar of what a good parent does and how they would like to be treated then it does more to highlight dads failings. If both do very little for mothers/fathers day then it teaches kids that its the norm not to expect much as adults, and sons especially will repeat the cycle woth their own families as adults (as you've heard from OP, mum's are more likely to step up).

Kids enjoy shopping for a card and making a gift and doing something nice on the day. I wouldn't get in the way of that just because their dad is willing to let them down, I wouldn't.

Was just about to post this exact point.

OP, you’ve explained to him how it makes you feel so why would you keep making the effort for someone who doesn’t make the effort back? You won’t be teaching your children anything other than their father is more important than their mother. That men are more important than women.

He's shown you that these days don't matter to him. Match that energy for Father's Day.

Maybe you could approach Mothers Day differently. Arrange one of those ceramic painting days for you and the kids, have a lovely day. Make it more about a special time together rather than let him make every year miserable.

Focus on the kids here - if they enjoy making a card or making him toast in bed, great - it’s teaching THEM how to be lovely people.

id then mention it after and say that’s why you’re doing it?

Massively disagree with this. If you carry on making a fuss of fathers day, whilst he does nothing for mothers day, you are sending the kids the message that women /mum doesn't matter, but men/dad does. It's not 'weaponising' anything.

The real question is - does he make an effort and make you feel cherished on the other 363 days per year that aren't your birthday or Mother's Day?

If he does then it's probably good to take a step back from the pressure of conforming to a commercialised holiday just because Hallmark says you have to do it.

But I suspect he doesn't, which is why these days take on outsize importance... but the problem isn't actually his lack of effort on Mother's Day but his lack of effort all year round. That's what you should be thinking about.

I would do pretty much what you suggest. I would make an effort this year and then I would do two things. First of all, a few days after Father's Day, I would have a conversation about birthdays and Mother's Day and agree on some expectations.

This isn't just about him showing consideration, it's also about him teaching the children to show consideration in whatever way suits their ages. He models consideration for you by buying cards and presents for you, and arranging an outing or party or whatever, and he helps the children to show consideration for you by reminding them and helping them buy your cards and presents and making your breakfast or whatever.

After that conversation I would notice what he does for my birthday and mother's day and from then on do roughly the same effort for his birthday and father's day. Because the one thing you are not going to teach the children is that family makes a big effort for fathers and minimal effort for mothers.

Shockingly, I had the reverse - we were together 30 years, 3 kids, she never made any effort for father's day, and actively argued that it shouldn't be a thing (just commercial) whereas mother's day had a precedent, coming originally from the church (neither of us were religious). I always made a huge effort for mothers day, and enjoyed getting the kids to prepare a nice surprise, make breakfast, etc.
We split for other reasons, but that was always an issue for me. It felt callous. It even upsets me writing this down, all these years later 🙄

How old are the dc?

I would get a card from a supermarket and a box of chocolates. I would give him the card in the morning just because I think it’s better in the morning. I know he didn’t but it is no more effort for you to give it in the morning and it will stress you out more waiting until the afternoon.
Then I would proceed to eat half the chocolates when you are next sat down together in the evening.

From now on on your birthday/ mother’s day start your own traditions with the kids that are age appropriate. I’m not a baking person but if you are make a cake with them every year. Or just make cornflake cakes or something simple.
Is there a nice nature reserve or family walk near you? Go out for a nice walk with the kids.
My mum used to take us all strawberry picking on her birthday sometimes as she loved strawberries.
A wildlife place if you/ the kids like animals?

So I think if you are doing it by yourself and it’s meant to be from the kids I think easy/ non stress/ not expensive if you are paying for it yourself.

So you will have nice memories with the kids and ensure you have a nice day for each event without him. I do think that you shouldn’t be going over and above for him. Bare minimum as that’s all he does for you.
Make his presence irrelevant so he can’t spoil it. “Me and the kids are going to walk around the (whatever pretty place near you) for my birthday. Are you coming?” Him -yes/no. You then go with or without him.

Just one thing though. Does he hate things that he may consider tat. I know I hate being given unnecessary items as I hate clutter. I would prefer a cup of tea for Mother’s Day than a “I love mum” mug or something else that I would have to find a home for in my always full up house. So it is possible he would prefer you didn’t get him the thoughtful presents. If so then stop. Small gift such as chocolates but nothing else. Then use any money saved towards yourself.

Please do nothing.

For this one year step back. Match his energy. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If he's not bothered then it shows that these things really aren't important to him and if they are for you you'll need a discussion with him, not about why he doesn't do anything but why it's important to you.

If he throws a strop then he's a hypocrite and that's a whole different ball game and a different discussion.

Does he do anything for his mother?

I would get the kids to either make a card or get one and they sign it, and they give it to him in the morning

and that’s it, no present etc

THIS. Match his energy is the way. All the stuff about 'being petty' and not 'lowering to his level' is guilt trip stuff aimed at women. Instead, think of it as speaking his language, and actions speak louder than words.

I had a couple of years with my DP not marking Mother's day - but I'd getting DD to make a card, choose a small present for Father's day. Then one year I thought Fuck it and I did nothing - no card, no gift and school hadn't done anything either. He's not big on birthdays or Christmas so I thought he wouldn't even notice or be bothered. But oh boy was he bothered - I just said - well you did nothing for last 2 Mother's days so didn't think we were marking it. Following year and there on- card and flowers.

Match his energy - unless the kids ask about it. If they do, they can make a card.

My ex used to do the same. I think it was to punish me, for being me. Thank goodness we’re not together anymore, though I do have to see him due to us having 2 DC.

He is not going to bother to remember this next year on Mother’s Day.

So you’ll get a cycle of him making no effort, you making effort, him making no effort, you making effort - every year.

Time to stop all effort on birthdays too.

Why is it ok for him to make no effort for Mother’s Day but if OP doesn’t make effort for Father’s day, she’s weaponising a special day?

Why is Father’s Day special but Mother’s Day isn’t?