I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

OP, it is much better for him and for you all if he is supported to become independent.

It may be tempting to give in 'until he gets on his feet' but what if that doesn't happen? If he doesn't ever earn enough to move out, and doesn't ever learn to get on with the people he lives with?

I have family members who moved back - who sound similar - and in each case it's been a slow-burning disaster.

He's a young person in his 20s. He doesn't just want to live at home deferring to his parents; he wants to be the top dog. The fact that he has ASD doesn't mean he isn't enormously entitled.

It also sounds as if he is higher needs than you realise, or are admitting to yourself. Do look into supported housing. If he can't really manage on his own, then that is what that sector is for. There are some great schemes.

Imagine him living with you and being very demanding, messy and angry when you are in your 80s. Think of what is best for him, and best for you all, rather than taking the path of least resistance.

Op, has he had any support with social skills? Sounds like that would help address the root of the problem for future living situations. maybe he could work on knowing the needs of others and their likely responses to what he no doubt sees as normal or ok actions on his part?

You can't put the needs of an adult child who has the ability to live away from home over and above the needs of younger children eho will be negatively affected and who don't have a choice. But I think you know this.

Have you tried claiming universal credit? If he's on a low income and has a disability, he could be eligible for that.

Offer him support in finding longer term support, benefits, a room in a shared house - yes, absolutely.

However he is an adult and if he does not want that support, there really isn't a way you can force him to accept it.

He clearly can achieve things if he wants - job - able to drive - has a car - so he is absolutely capable of accessing the help that is available.

I strongly suspect he is, as many young adults are, finding life hard and would like to return to the safety of Mum and Dads house... if you asked a lot of much older adults if they'd like to return to a point in their youth where someone else had all the responsibility and made all the decisions they'd also want to be able to do that, at least some of the time (anyone want to be my Mum 4 days a week please?!). Life, adult life, is fucking hard at times!

I don't think you'll realy be doing him OR anyone else in the family, any favours by having him back under your roof. If he won't accept support and help now, why would he when living with you?

Well once she’s gone they will be living independently.

I have no advice, other than to say that if you had one daughter, then their wants and needs are probably worth more than your sons (he is older) let alone that you have two and you have yourself / hubby to think about.

So so hard though.

Also I say all this with two ND adult children. My ds was a milder version of your ds. He struggled to live with other people at first and just manage all the things.
But he's learnt tolerance, adjusted his expectations, has gratitude for how good it was at home but matured enough to realise you can't go back to your childhood.
He's also more skilled in time management, budgeting etc

I don't agree that you appear to favour your dds, if anything you've favoured your ds by invalidating your dds and minimising the harm your son has on them.

Whilst he thinks the option to come back home is on the table of course he isn't going to engage with looking for a other room.

Apart from his behaviour, he's an adult who's moved out, and you have repurposed his room (rightly so).
Where does he think he will sleep?

You need to draw a line under the idea of him coming back. Tell him it's not an option but you'll help him find a room. Yes it's stressful but as an adult there no other option but to deal with it all.

Let him sleep in his car if he won't try anything else, but you need to allow him to feel the consequences of his behaviour towards other people. He won't change if he's allowed back home to behave just however he wants.

DS aside, I don’t think your daughter should be described as ‘sensitive’ because she doesn’t like being around someone who bullies and intimidates her and breaks things.

Axel Rudakabana was /is disabled. I don't need to read any more online or any further reports to see that he was incredibly vulnerable at a point in time, that he is also ND, that he needed support.

But he also had something else going on and because of that he murdered young girls.

I am not saying this to tarnish a group of people or to say anything like this is happening with OPs situation.

This reference is to highlight the very reality that we often have a co existing situation which involves vulnerability, disability and need for support - alongside risk, no accountability, negative detrimental impact on others. We can have a multitude of ' conditions ' co existing and the risk is too great, despite vulnerability and disability.

Your aunt could very well be totally dominated in her own home,cowering internally over every interaction with those dependants. And no one would see it, would believe her or give a shit in public services at least.

It's not right in this situation that he's there.

My teen son says he isn't ND. I pulled the diagnosis report out. 3 professionals.

Still everyone else is wrong. It's very heartbreaking and also a moment where you think what can I really do here? What's the right thing? Can I save him really?

Sometimes one person is more of a target for difficult behaviour than another. Your son will adapt behaviour at work to a huge extent. He's possibly a better version of himself in front of you too.

The daughter you call sensitive. I disagree. I'll suggest she's reacting very rightly to something she doesn't like. It's very likely she experiences the worst aspects of him. Please don't undermine this.
I lived with an abusive brother, protected by my nuts mother who still enables today. Very very dangerous.

I don't believe your son can come back under these circumstances. There's more going on than you're acknowledging in terms of his intimidating impact and lack of accountability.

And no I don't mean sexual abuse whoever made that stretch based on this thread. Not ok.

I think you and your DS need to tolerate some short-to-medium-term discomfort for your DDs' sake, but also his, yours and your DHs. In the long run, facing this now will help him build independence. If you don’t, your mental health, your husband’s, and your daughters’ will deteriorate, and he still won’t be any further forward.

I'm generalising alot.

I have no experience at all with girls, especially ND girls but I understand and see a pattern when it comes to mum's and their ND sons.

I don't feel that ND people need mollycoddling. It's a natural human response for many mum's to overcompensate in response to the vulnerability of their ND kids who will ha struggled.

A point hopefully comes where you realise you aren't helping anyone in doing so.

I'm aware that often those less affected, are better helped, than others with a more severe condition. That's sometimes due to professionals who know the system of applying for it.

However one of your sons was cared for in the hospital system, paid for by the state.
The other presumably lived in the general community, so received benefits.

To an outsider, that seems a fair system, though I'm sure you've had many a battle with that system over the years.
I understand as well as I can, must have been very hard. "Walk a mile in my shoes".

If one of your daughters was in a relationship with someone who was aggressive enough to put a hole in the wall then they broke up would you be happy that he moved back in?

Punching holes in the walls and ruining carpets is not ‘damaging small things, and nor is it acceptable behavior from a teenager.

Presumably he was living there because he was a child OP was responsible for, which is not the case now.

If I cannot add to the discussion I say nothing, until I see unhelpful comments when op is going through enough difficulties

I think you're right not to let him back. It's too detrimental to your daughters, and he needs to learn to be an adult. I'd offer support in finding a new place to live, and help out financially with the cost of the move if that was affordable, but if he won't take the support then it's his own choice to face the consequences.

I think that you have to take him home, if supportive living isn't available for him.
Many disabled children never become independent.
I think it is something that you have to expect while they're young.
My Aunt in her 70's has 2 children in their 50's that will never live independently.
Set down ground rules for everyone in the home.
It's very sad when this happens.

If he is that violent, why was he ever living there? Lots of teenagers damage small things like that.

Ffs let's pile onto the lad with autism and suggest he is some sort of pervert - seriously?

I would actually be really pushing for him to try to get council accommodation. I think you should let him go through the process of being evicted and trying to get him a council flat. With his Autism he should qualify as a vulnerable person. Yes it will be tough for all of you but at least he would end up with a secure tenancy and not be in this position again.

OP I think you have done a marvellous job in raising your son. He has diagnosed difficulties yet he has independent accommodation, has a job, drives a car, and presumably pays bills and feeds himself.

To take him back would negate all that hard work on both sides and back to being a minor child again. Please consider the investment you have both put in and think of the resulting dependence again if he moves back in. That's what I'm thinking anyway.

If I were you I would do everything I could to get him another room/studio whatever. If he refuses, refer to adult services and see what happens, but I would not regress matters for all your sakes.

She did say "We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls...", @PrettyPuss - which does lead me to think that he caused the damage in his room.