I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

He's not a 'poor lad'. He's a grown man with a job, and a car and has been living independently

Hes a young adult with a disability who needs a lot of support. Not quite the same thing. Hes managing a job and a car but this is reducing function in other areas. This is common with ASD. They can’t do everything.

Ideally if you had a massive house with plenty of space or an annexe he could live in that would be perfect. But you don't, don't let him move back in OP

Would a garden room be an option like an office space but used as a bedroom. I think he may benefit from a support worker etc who can help him manage his feelings and behaviours. I applied for dla twice as it was rejected the first time. I would be wary of him being lonely living alone as the only place he goes is work. It would be hard for you all having him back but with the right support it may improve. I don’t think anyone here can tell you what to do as only you know the situation.

Sounds like a difficult situation for all involved.

Can he reapply for PIP? Lots of claims get rejected the first time around.

How old are the girls? And do they understand fully about his autism and how it affects his behaviour?

What type of comments does he make towards them to upset them?

Have you spoken to Citizen’s Advice or Shelter re: him at risk of becoming homeless?

Could you contact your area’s mental health Trust and ask for support via the community autism services? You could take him to the GP and ask for a referral.

He's not a 'poor lad'. He's a grown man with a job, and a car and has been living independently.

I wouldn't allow him home because he will destroy your home and your daughters' peace and safety in their own home. It is not favouring your daughters to make this decision; it is recognising that you have a duty to them as minors that you no longer have to him.

There’s so many areas he could pick up Pip.

Leavinh the home ( he only goes to work)
Socialisingwith others ( he only goes to work)
Preparing meals? Does he eat, wash dishes?
Medications ( l bet he won’t visit a doctor without you pushing him)
If he hoards and doesn’t clean what’s his personal hygiene like?
Following a journey- he only goes to work.

there are 4 other people to think about not just one person.

Help him find somewhere suitable to live and get him on the council bidding list for a property as he is going to be homeless

I think what needs to be remembered here is that is ASD is both a spectrum and can fluctuate.

If he doesn’t clean and is prone to hoarding his ability to cope with his environment and keep it healthy is very low. This requires a social services assessment. It sounds like he is just holding on. I’m not sure the argument that he can drive and work holds up. He is managing this to the detriment of everything else. And this will get worse. This is why it fluctuates. He is obviously struggling without home support. There are so many areas where you can ask for support that you have t mentioned. Like this.

You talk about overwhelm. This can lead to burnout and then he will be in a pickle.

He needs supported accommodation. His needs have worsened since he lived at home and he is clearly struggling. This is your argument for sheltered accommodation.

He also needs to visit a doctor for antidepressants.

With a social services assessment he might be able to claim pip. Does he cook? What does ge eat? Is it hygenically prepared.

There seems to be a lot of areas where he is struggling that haven’t been discussed.

All ASD people under the last autism strategy should have a named key worker. Does he have one?

I’ve had to fight like a demon for every single thing for my ASD Dd. But eventually you get somewhere. Don’t give up or back off. The squeakiest wheel and all that…

Dont let adult social services wriggle out, You have to nail them down and keep going.

l understand you want him home but it’s not fair on your dd. Turn this into fighting tooth and nail.

OP, be careful calling your daughter "sensitive" it is the language abusers use to dismiss the boundaries and distress of their victims.

You describe your son as aggressive and intimidating, why wouldn't your daughters find that absolutely oppressive in their home?

If I was told this from my daughters friends I would advise them to tell a teacher, go to a police statiom, ring SS and report how the feel in their home.

It is very sad but you will lose your daughters if you allow bullying in the home to resume with his return. He will not move out any time soon if he returns and your daughters could ultimately be driven from their home.

They are entitled to a safe environment.
I do appreciate that it is very very hard to navigate though.

@FairKoala I think your perspective is really important. I agree that he doesn't think his aggression and all other issues are a problem. Instead he thinks it's everyone else.

OP has talked to him but he refuses to acknowledge he's ND at all. With this mindset, there's no hope OP can do anything there.

I regularly talk to my own ND teen about how to help things but the insistence that they aren't ND, there's no problem with behaviour etc is there too. You learn you can't argue with this.

I'll add in the complexity associated with being male here. I believe it makes for a much different mix of problems than women. ND women learn to just shut up and mask and conform. The problem with him is compounded because he's a male. ( I'm trying not to be sexist about this).

How would he feel about a van conversion to live in and a subscription to a gym for showers?

From what you've said OP, your son's behaviour is always going to make it difficult for him to get decent accommodation, or a job that pays enough for him to afford better.

It's not just housing. His inability to manage money will mean his credit history will be shot. And if he reacts so badly to other people, sooner or later he'll find himself caught up in the justice system. All things that will only make his life harder as he gets older.

So it's up to him. Either he accepts that he needs help - help that you can't give him, OP - or he doesn't, and continues on this downward spiral.

He is not incapable of looking after himself. So to answer the question in your post OP - no, I would not sacrifice the rest of the family on the altar of his overbearing personality. I know what this can be like to live with.

If he is prepared to accept that he needs help, I think@Pleaseshutthefuckup has some very down-to-earth advice about getting PIP, which would be a good place to start. As Google says: "PIP is considered a 'gateway benefit' in that it can open the door to other benefits and services. Specifically, receiving PIP can mean you're automatically eligible for certain other benefits, such as Carer's Allowance.."
.

I agree entirely. All of us have something we could probably do to help ourselves do better.

The guy is refusing to acknowledge how big an issue his out bursts are. And other more covert behaviour. That is entirely on him.

As someone who is ND and awaiting an autism assessment, I don’t believe he is being manipulative to come home.

I think he is overwhelmed by everything happening. He can’t see a way through. He doesn’t see he is aggressive or messy or anything he is as those are just him.
Its the world that is wrong and not him.

I doubt it has crossed his mind to come home. He just sees that he can’t get another flat so the alternative is homelessness and sleeping in his car. Coming home hasn’t crossed his mind.

I think a talk with him about his autism and how it affects him and the feelings of being overwhelmed and the anxiety that comes with that and the anger issues that are the result is in order. And that he needs to for his own benefit, to go back to his GP to get help/medication to help with his anxiety and anger issues

These issues are affecting not just him but everyone who comes into contact with him and maybe how it affects his colleagues at work.

Also has he been assessed for ADHD as well because the 2 can go hand in hand and maybe the autism is masking the ADHD symptoms which can be medicated.
Maybe his messiness and other things are because he has ADHD as well as autism

He needs to accept your help to find him a new place to live to solve his immediate issues.

Also some sort of therapy/coaching to understand and help with his autism and decision making when it comes to how his words affect others.
Maybe help with how to eat cheaply and clean and tidy. Cooking and cleaning tips on TikTok or You tube etc

Plus help with finances (I.e. how to manage his money) might be worthwhile. Maybe each month go through with him that when he gets his pay that he needs to pay his rent and monthly bills and needs to save for those yearly bills.

Then after accounting for everything else eg car, petrol, food etc what he has left if any can be split into savings (for emergencies) and an amount he can spend over the next month.

Coming home will not be the best thing for anyone including him

I am sure this is easier said than done @nomorecheesyjokes but it is said that people need to properly fall before they start to improve. I think if he moves back in he will never move out.
i also think it’s ok to say to him that, even though you all love him, you can’t live with aggression and intimidation and that level of disrespect to your property. Outline your rules and how you’re living now and say this is why he can’t come back. Maybe this will make him think and improve. It may also be the best thing for him as it will help him be a better partner to someone in the future too.

What is your solution then as this comment is pointless.

My brother is still in his teenage bedroom gaming his life away. He’s 46. My Dad is 80. You need to think about the long term consequences of having him back as well as the short term dysfunction in the family.

I think the PIP application is a great idea. OP, I'd do that with him and write the answers together, reference yourself as the support applicant.

It is very frustrating in its design as it will ask questions about things like needing toilet assistance or needing adaptations to cutlery. This benefit therefore fails immensely to take account of the real needs of vulnerable ND people who are more ' functional '. But it feels like the best option to enable independence. He'd also be entitled to housing benefit potentially I think if income is too low.

There's an excellent support group on FB ' benefits help ' search will bring up the options.

In completing PIP. Where it asks you things like adaptation to cutlery, because you have points awarded to every answer, it's important you make that answer relative and don't just ignore it and say no.

For example, ' because of being Autistic and ADHD, son needs support with managing and organising time alongside working. With significant executive functioning challenges attributable to ADHD, son will struggle to coordinate eating needs alongside work and daily independent living requirements.'

And you then spell out how this might somehow link to adaptations such as ' has to microwave food as struggles to prepare independently'. ' has to buy ready meals or pre prepared food which are more costly' on light of above needs and disabilities.

I know the above will be true here and not even made up.

Hope this helps because it feels like it would be helpful for him to be independent if he could access PIP.

Who do you want living with you, your adult son or your minor daughters?

You bring your son back home to enable him and your daughters will likely move out to a relative's place or in with a BF very early to get away from an abusive home environment.

This is absurd. OP is not favouring sisters. He is an adult they are children. He has anger management problems. He needs to deal with them out with the family home.

Friend taught in a special needs school 3 to 18 years of age. She would say no he can't come home. By all means help him outside the home, but in the long term you will age have health issues maybe which he won't be able to cope with if he isn't an independent person.

She retired early at 60 because she had been attacked too many times by adolescent males who were just too strong and fast to dodge any longer.

OP he either needs the support of care services or he doesn’t.

Can you look at LPOA and advocate for him and apply for PIP and obviously oversee the application or just send it yourself?

Quite the opposite actually, if Op lets him home and be abusive to his sisters and disturb the family's peace while they are minors, still in education and haven't got the freedom to leave their home to get away from their unpleasant brother, OP risks her relationship with her daughter who may refuse to support her in old age as she didn't support them when they were vulnerable.

The young man is not a likely candidate for caring for his parents and supporting them. He needs help and support himself.

You said he was the only person living in his house now OP. Did the others leave because of him ?
What about a motorhome OP? There are a lot of young ppl living in Motorhomes and wild parking on You Tube .

I think the idea of him living in his car is a good one. Perhaps you could let him use the shower etc by an arrangement that suits you. Its summer now and he could save quite a bit before it gets too cold. Has he gone to the council / housing associations? apply for UB again the rent/ income ratio is unsustainable. Next door to me they have turned an ordinary house into a HMO with 5 ensuite bedsits with mini kitchens for single people does your council do anything like that.